Life on masquerade.

Drama Whores.

2010-01-28T00:57:00.002+08:00

Oh no, no.

The truth is not one-sided, neither is it split sided. There is one truth that I know and it is the same truth he knows. None of you do. Blah, blah, blah. Don't be a bitch. Bullshit. That is exactly what you are, and it's about time you just fucking embrace it or just come off as a hypocrite.

And I'm sorry, I was only a bitch to HER. Not anyone else. Did I hate on you? I don't recall. Did I diss you? I don't recall. And since my last post on January the 6th, 20 days later, you STILL talk about it? Did you not in that time span go and GET A LIFE instead? Is KK really THAT boring? Seriously. Why the hell do you still come here? You judge me for having drama, but you love stirring up more.

You and all that crap?
So 2009.
Get with the times and move the fuck on.

Speaking of moving, tumblr, here I come.

Nobody gives a fuck about them anymore.
EVERYONE has got better things to do.
But apparently not you.

Never Knew I Needed.

2010-01-06T06:18:00.000+08:00

I think I've found him, but I couldn't be sure. It's only the first day, but I already feel so much. I don't think I've ever wanted to be with someone this much, or have known that someone was this right for me. I don't know how I'm going to take it when he's gone, but I can't bear the thought of it. I want to be selfish and have him with me, to fend off not just the creeps but the evil bitches who hurt me. I seriously never knew I'd need you, until you came home again.

On a funnier note, hearing that people who used to be close to you think you're a dick-chasing, friend abandoning slut, seriously made my night. I didn't even have to come to that conclusion, they just did. You are though, you really are. When you're all alone after losing all your friends from being a mondo loser, and when your stupidity finally falls apart, I'm going to laugh the loudest. I don't give a fuck if I'm a bitch about it. You deserve everything that's coming to you.

What Do You Want From Me?

2010-01-01T05:21:00.000+08:00

It's funny how I'm here in your arms when you were the one who caused me to cry at this exact time last year. I want to leave 2009 in the past. I want to forget that the majority of it even happened. To be completely honest, 2009 sucked balls. It really, really did. It took my heart and stomped on it and I took such a massive beating emotionally. I'm glad to say that I actually learned from it this time. It changed me as a person, and I am thankful for it.

In the coming year, I am going to be more careful about who I give my heart to. I guess this time it was the wrong choice. I'm just glad that after all the shit tonight, someone's here to make sure everything is okay. You're reading over my shoulder, but I want to say it anyway. I'm so thankful I have you. I'm thankful that tonight it's you and me. I caved, I cried. He did it again, but once you found me, it was all better again.

Here's to love in 2010.
It's our year now and here's to us who are deserving.
Fuck the cheaters and the bitches.
We are worth more than that.

There's nothing like starting the new year waking up in the arms of someone who loves you, so goodnight world. I hope you're lucky enough to enjoy the same luxury.

:)

Cave In.

2009-12-31T19:24:00.000+08:00

I am determined not to usher in the new year in tears. I will not let you make me feel bad for going too be with someone who wants me. I will not cave and let myself shrug off all my plans just to go be with you. I will not cave and give a shit that I am leaving you on Sunday. I will spend my time with people who actually care about me. I will spend my time with people who love me. I will be surrounded by people who can promise me a good year ahead.

In this year, I let you walk all over me. I let you hurt me and I sucked it up and picked up the pieces of what you broke. I let you compromise everything just so you could be with a girl that you don't even have the balls to tell about me and my place in your life, because you know that would fuck things up. I did not go through the trouble of fixing all that's broken, just so you can break me again. Because of your call, last night I cried alone outside a club, it was the lowest that I've ever gone to. I did not go through all this trouble again just to have what we are now, what we worked so hard for again, be turned into another dirty secret. Dirty secrets are always kept to be later destroyed, I will not let you ruin my year again. I will not bank on hope that you will actually tell her everything that you said you would. Frankly, I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm so tired of it all.

I am going to be with the man I want to be with. I am going to go be with the man who made his mind up about me, even if it's only for tonight. That is more than you've ever done for me. I am not compromising him like you did me, so no. I am not going to sit outside your church or in a random coffee shop on new year's eve with you. Like I said, I want to spend tonight with you, but I deserve far better than that, and if you meant it when you said you cared about me, and you meant it when you told me that I am important to you, then it's about freaking time you grow some balls and act on it. You don't have to do any walking on your busted up leg to do so. Use your friggin' phone. Oh wait, you can't. Why? You got it barred. AGAIN. So now what, hey?

This time, I'm going to be selfish about it because this is something I need to do for me.

You, my dear, are so 2009.

I'll Meet You There.

2009-12-30T05:54:00.000+08:00

Finally got my Blackberry today! J was supposed to get his as well, but they gave him a white one that he didn't want so he has to wait until tomorrow to get a black one. I on the other hand, actually quite liked the white one and wanted to trade, but apparently Celcom doesn't allow it. If only we could have, then we'd both be happy bunnies. Spent most of my day with him. We've been spending a lot more time together after our talk on Sunday. Once again, making the best of our time until Sunday. I feel the past few days has proven how close we've gotten again since working things out in Penang. There is much love, and that is apparent. Even to our circle of friends. I'm actually really glad about that.

Tonight was spent catching up with Dayze and Jason, it was all good despite an awkward as hell conversation in the car. Let's just deduce that Dayze is awful at cover-ups, kan? It was quite amusing. Tomorrow, or well, later today, we get our sayap and coconut at the beach! I'm looking forward to doing more catching up, and I'm glad Jason's home. I have not seen him in so long it's not even funny. We spent most of the night reminiscing but you know what? It's time to make new memories.

I'm too tired to be interesting now.
Goodnight!

Afterthought: It took every ounce of strength in me to say no to you. I didn't want to be that kind of girl, but I wanted it so bad. I really did. I wish we weren't in this situation, I really wish we weren't. I wish I took the chance. It was an offer I had to refuse, but I wish I went for it. I wish I kissed you. I really wish I did.

This Is The Future.

2009-12-25T04:18:00.000+08:00

Despite J being in the hospital, and the family being quite glum, this Christmas did not feel lonely at all. That's a definite first in a couple of years, and I'm really happy about that. I used to love Christmas, because it meant everyone coming home and that usually meant the cute boys would come back from overseas. When I left home, Christmases just started getting lonely, because coming home meant leaving again. No matter how much you loved being home, there was nothing to get attached to because you had to leave it behind. It was sad, because I'd always wanted to have someone special at this time of year.

Funnily enough, all my relationships come to an end before Christmas comes along. My first boyfriend and I broke up during Christmas too. It was a string of heartbreaks after then, and it always made me wonder if I'd ever find someone to share this holiday with. This year, as expected, it didn't last until Christmas, and I'm completely single again. But you know what? This time, it's okay.

I've never felt more loved.
By family, friends and the few special men in my life.
You guys know who you are.
;)

So Merry Christmas, my lovelies.
I hope you're all feeling the same joy.

Pon De Floor.

2009-12-22T02:10:00.000+08:00

Listening to Major Lazer seriously makes me miss Sam and Li. I can't believe I am actually waiting to go back to KL just so I can go to TAG with them. Good times, good times. There are the others that I miss there too, like the family and ESP. I'm glad Monica is back now though. However, I'm worried that I'm having too much fun back home and I might consider not going back there again. It always happens when I come back. I feel guilty for being away from home though, considering all that my family's going through at this point of time.

This is going to be a difficult Christmas for my mom, and as proven, some men just don't grow up. Not even in their 60's, or their 70's. They remain a pain all the way until then, when they're not supposed to be a pain anymore. Things were stagnant for awhile, the drama had died down, but now it seems that everything is building up again. With the family, with my real family. It's a bit too much to take in at one go, but I you know, somehow I feel that after what I went through with J, it's made me a stronger person to deal with this now. I thought about how I would've reacted or dealt with things had I not gone through those 7 months with him, and I knew that I'd be a lot more angry with everything if not for it all. I like that for once, I'm the strength my family can depend on. Lord knows I've been the one who's been their biggest concern all this while, always getting myself into trouble. Maybe I really am growing up.

I went to church for the first time in two years last Sunday. It was interesting being back, seeing all the people who were the reason I left. I thought about how things would've been had I stayed, and how far I could've gone in my ministry back then. It was fascinating to see how much I've changed over the years, yet things in church were still the same. It was comforting in a way to see that I hadn't missed much, but saddening at the same time because it felt like nothing has progressed since the day I left. Everything was at a standstill, like everything just replayed itself for the past two years up until now. I did enjoy seeing the friends I hadn't seen in awhile, and I'm looking forward to catching up with them.

Tonight was my second time out with Dayze and Chan. I must say that I enjoy hanging out with them and their really random friends who talk about.. trees and other strange things. It's the epitome of empty conversations, but I hadn't laughed like that in awhile. I think I needed it because I feel heaps better. Being alone or being stuck home made me quite irritable and I started to over-think some things that I really didn't have to think about. For a second, I thought I was still in love with someone I really had no feelings for anymore. Loneliness has a way of getting to your head and messing up your thoughts.

I'm a little disappointed that I haven't been able to talk much to J about stuff. Despite everything, we're still very close and we're still working on patching things up as best friends. I'm hoping things turn more Hugh Grant/Elizabeth Hurley, than slutty ex-wife/doting ex-husband. I'm obviously the ex-husband. I guess it takes time to figure things out. We've still got plenty of time.

So dear readers, or bitches who just read my blog so they can hate on the things I say, it's 2.09am and I feel like sleeping. I love you all, and have a great Christmas! Well, not you bitches because I know what the fuck you say and I only hope you get run over by pilak busses.

Ho, ho, ho.
Fuckers.

Hello, Seattle.

2009-12-17T20:24:00.000+08:00

I've been having a terrible day. Ugh. I've learnt how unreliable some people can be, and dishonest too. It's terrible, really quite terrible how fucking manipulative some people are. I'm too angry about it to even talk about it. This anger however, fuels fires for other dissatisfactions I've had lately.

The only vibe I get from you, is desperate. Of course my thoughts were confirmed after I saw your begs for fucks. You're such a classy lady, aren't you? It doesn't matter, all that you've wanted to do, I've done them already. So many times, that I've lost count. Oh and yes, the wares really aren't bad. You see, you couldn't just have left me alone could you? You just had to do something to piss me off again. Well, I've already something that will break your pathetic heart. I can't wait for you to find out.

You. Hmm, you.
I don't know whether I've missed you, but I sure as hell want to kiss you again. I always find you when I have such little time home. If I don't get to see you again, we'll always have our moments in the car. The thought of it makes me smile, and I know you're reading this and smiling too.

:)

..

TODAY STILL SUCKS.
SO GET YOUR ASS TO MY FRONT PORCH PLEASE.

Rainbow Veins.

2009-12-15T21:03:00.000+08:00

It's the bop of a head,
The bang of a bass,
The sound so electric,
That pumped in this place,
The push turned to shove,
And the bop turned to beat,
The sound of your sex,
Took over my feet.

I danced for hours to the sound of twilight,
But all I could think about was you.

"Your sex is on fire".

In that crowd of thump and lights,
I wished I was in your arms.

***

I'm back home, and it's amazing. I have the slightest inkling of not wanting to go back to KL, but this time I gotta finish what I started. The fear of going insane is getting to me, it's what the big city does to you. I need an anchor. I need someone to come home to. I need someone to make it all worth my while. Until then, I'll still have my "kids", my "husbands" and my nights at TAG.

My favourite kids, Li and Sam. <3

Minus my wife, Jon.

Doesn't matter,

He's a little slut anyway.

Haha.

Yes, I said wife.

Believe.

2009-12-10T05:00:00.001+08:00

The strangest thing about this trip was that I got what I thought I wanted, but realised it was just a way to get over it and look out for better things. This time, I'm not the one who has to deal with the consequences, but I got to reap the benefits. It feels sweet to finally be cut a fucking break. I think I've gone through enough. I think it was more than enough. Now all I need to really do is take it all in and enjoy every single moment.

If only you knew the things that would tear you apart. They would hurt you. It would serve you right. Sadly, I find no pleasure in wanting to destroy anything anymore. I got my closure. I got all I wanted out of it. I guess this means I'm done. Hmmm. From the looks of it, you have a rocky path ahead and I can't say I feel sorry for you.

Oh well.
A chapter closed, but I know my battle's won.
:)

What I Want.

2009-11-22T19:10:00.000+08:00

I was talking to my uncle about the last "relationship" I was in. What happened, how it unfolded and why. I felt such anger talking about it because of how unfair it felt being in my position, while he just went off with another girl. Given, I've been angry about this situation for awhile now, but it wasn't until then when I was telling this friend everything that I finally broke completely apart. I told him how I felt like I wasn't good enough, I told him how I felt helpless, I told him how I felt I did not deserve to be in this position and I did not deserve to feel this way, while he went on to all that undeserved happiness for all he's done and for all the lies he's told. I didn't care whose feelings I hurt at that moment, I didn't care to spare any names, I didn't care to hide anything. I just hated everything. I just let it all out. I was a mess.

"So let me get this straight. You stuck around with a guy who lied to you for months, and he ended up being a cheat and a sham. You were seriously surprised?"

I kept quiet for awhile. I told him that it wasn't that I was surprised, but that I had expected more from him. That I believed in him. That I always wanted to believe in the better, even though I knew that wasn't how it was going to play out. I've been told, and I do acknowledge, that I am a very perceptive person, but too often a time I choose to be blind to my perceptions and give the situation the benefit of a doubt.

"Your situation sucks, obviously, it's never right for any boy to treat a girl that way, but it's your fault for allowing it, or even wanting it to go on even though you knew what was going to happen. Don't say you didn't know, because I know you, and I am completely sure that you knew. What I don't understand is why you are capable of giving so many undeserved chances or even remotely believing any of it was your fault. You say he's stooping low for taking happiness he doesn't deserve, but who was the one who let him get used to it by giving him all sorts of things he never deserved in the first place?"

At this point, I wasn't quite sure what to say anymore. I think I rambled a bit about how he should have known better in the first place, or how he should have done better not to hurt me. I don't remember completely, but I do remember what came next.

"No boy of this calibre, would be noble enough to to be a martyr for your feelings. Did you seriously think he was going to sacrifice his own happiness, as undeserving as it is, for you? If he was that noble, none of this mess would have started in the first place. Even so, do you seriously want to be that stupid girl who's giving him another chance? Be thankful that you got out. Be happy she has the lesser man, and not you. Maybe they'll be happy, so what if they end up together? That just reflects on who they are as people. Don't forget, he lied to her too and she's the one who's going to go on with it anyway. Why do you want to be her?"

I was pretty much blank. I think I said something along the lines of.. he's actually a nice guy. He's really not that bad as a person. He made me happy, he made me laugh. I didn't have expectations shoved in my face when I was with him. My judgment wasn't that bad.

"Are you even going to start this with me? I don't give a fuck. All sorts of boys will come into your life who are passable for laughs and fucks, but do not even tell me you'd want to consider ending up with someone who is just that. No expectations? It's just your excuse for you to be lazy and not want to have or to be something more. That's how you land yourself in this kind of shit, by underachieving when you're a natural overachieving perfectionist. How is that even RIGHT? It's all self-sabotage so you get to be lazy and do less to make things work. Backfired, didn't it? Your aunt says what you're doing is dressing up a Coach to become a Gucci. It may look good at some angles, may even look close to a Gucci, but deep down.. what you want is a damned Gucci and we know there is no way in hell you'd be okay with Coach for the rest of your life. You wouldn't even be caught dead with Coach now! You're the only one stupid enough to buy into your own lies and think it's what you want. We all know your standards, and we are seriously sick of you dropping them for every guy you meet just because you're lonely. If you end up with some loser next time because you didn't listen to me and wake the hell up, I am not going to be here to listen to you whine anymore. Got it?"

.. Tough love FTMFW.

I'm still pretty blank.

I Used To Love You.

2009-11-16T05:31:00.000+08:00

I thought about it today. Whether or not I actually cared. The sad part is, I do. It bothers me so much. I know I have better things to do than to think of you and what used to be, but for some reason it comes back. It makes me sad thinking about you. Perhaps it's because it's so hard for me to accept that we failed. That we actually did try, and we failed. I'm not used to failing and it hit me so hard because I actually cared so much. It hurt me.

I'm not entirely sure if it still hurts me now, or if I just think it does.
I'm really not sure.

Lucky.

2009-11-14T18:37:00.001+08:00

In amidst of all this sadness, I've found the one thing that could very well pull me through. When I was a kid, I believed that I was going to write, act and sing. I believed that I was capable of it all if I was given the chance. After years of staying in the background and waiting to be discovered, I guess the dreams faded. I was afraid of rejection and having to know that I wasn't good. I put them aside and thought none of it. I went on with life with mediocre dreams and half-hearted ambition.

8 years later, in one of the lowest points of my life, I found that this dream has never died and slowly I'm beginning to see new opportunities open up to me. Finally, after years of just dreaming, I can actually do something about these passions. Still, I was afraid. I still refused and stayed in the background. I still told myself that I wasn't good enough. I guess it's true, perfectionism does mess you up a lot.

I want to sing again.

:)

Up and Gone.

2009-11-13T19:48:00.000+08:00

I learned from a very young age that people are selfish. They hurt you, they leave you, they disappoint you. Your best interest is never priority. They'll always be looking out for themselves first and you, only if it's convenient to them. They use you on their way to gain happiness that they thoroughly do not deserve and abandon you once they get what they want. I got so used to being disappointed, that I started to believe that it was forgivable what people did to you, that it was just part and parcel of letting people into your life. That people will always hurt you, people will always leave, and that it was no injustice because you're supposed to be strong enough to move past it. You listen to them when they tell you, "You're going to be okay", not realising that only people who don't worry about you say that and that the people who truly care actually say, "I want to help make things okay".

There comes a day where you realise, that you have never let go of any of these hurts. That you never dealt with any of it and chose to ignore it until it just stop hurting. The bitterness and resentment towards all these things keep multiplying because as luck has it, you keep meeting the worst people you could meet at that point in your life. While you keep giving these people second chances, and you exhaust your heart from all this giving, in the back of your mind you've grown to be angry about so many things. Somehow you find that you never should have had to carry all that weight on your shoulders, and in that instant, you just drop it all and feel that pressure that was pounding in your heart release. It's a new feeling, this freedom, when you've finally gotten out of being locked inside your own prison of hurt.

It's terrifying and exciting all at the same time.

The Artist.

2009-11-13T15:01:00.000+08:00

A few days of not having you as a part of my life did more change than I could have ever expected. I missed your company deeply, but I didn't long for you anymore. Ashamedly, I have to admit that watching you text without being sure if it was her or not bugged me a whole lot. It was a reminder that I'd lost you. Old, unresolved feelings came up and I just needed to get out of there. I couldn't stand it anymore. My thoughts were driving me mad and I just had to escape.

I smiled and went ahead with my plans, seemingly having a good time, but I kept thinking of how you would've been the only one who had known what I was thinking, and that I wasn't okay. You'd have been the only one to know, but you're not the one to make things better anymore. I told you things tonight about stuff that's been happening, about my problem, and I felt this pang in my chest because you were always the first to know, and you're not anymore. I still want to tell you, I still want to share my world with you.. but I just don't know how. I don't know how to coexist platonically now considering all that history between us. It just didn't feel right.

You have no idea how much I miss you,
But I think I'm finally fine on my own.
This is how it's gotta be for a while.

Better Next Time.

2009-11-09T18:24:00.001+08:00

It's hard to forget someone after you've been with them in that way. It was so difficult to take that first step and actually do it, and now that you know how this person works, you have to start all over again. It's that one big leap you have to take to want to know another person this way, and I'm so afraid to fall, so I cling on to the only thing I know. Right now, the only thing I know is you.

I want to take the first step, but I'm so afraid of not liking what I find.
Things will change, I know things will change.

Somewhere Out There.

2009-11-08T06:43:00.000+08:00

Even my stars know that I should be moving on. I'm thankful though, that even though astrology predicts some shitty days, the rest of the month will be better. A few more days of crying it out, and I think I'll be fine. I hate it most when the person who hurts you tells you that it'll all be okay. I wouldn't have to get any pep talks if you didn't hurt me in the first place, isn't it? Why do I have to be just okay, when I was happy, and the only thing that changed it.. was you?

Telling someone you've hurt that they'll be okay is kind of like punching someone in the face and telling them, "Hey, you're a strong person, you'll be fine". Seriously. What? That's probably the last thing they'd want to hear. Why not, "I'm really sorry, I want to make things better. I don't know how, but I want to try"? Because really, there's pretty few ways to make it up to a person if you've punched them in the face besides.. punching yourself back. I seriously would love it if the person who hurt me, hurt themselves back. Then again, no one is that noble. Ugh. It's early, I ramble.

I was talking to a friend today about the kind of guy I should be dating, or in his words, need to be dating, is someone that I've actually considered lately. While generally he isn't my type, a scary amount of people agree that I need someone like this guy.. or well, I should be with this guy. The more I picture it, the more I'm okay with it. Hmm. I guess we're just gonna have to see how it all plays out.

Young Folks.

2009-11-07T05:37:00.000+08:00

I had a beautiful time at TAG tonight, and it was a wonderful night full of vodka redbull, dancing and.. well, one little other thing. The combination of it all just took the thumping music to another level and my mind was absolutely free. I really ought to do this more often, I think it's definitely good for my soul because I've not felt this good in awhile.

While driving home, I read a tweet my friend posted.

"How do you move on? You move on when your heart understands there's no turning back."

It's not my heart that doesn't understand, it's my mind. I know myself, and my mind is far harder to appease than my heart. It's been proven that you can live without your brain, as long as your heart is beating. My heart can do the work for awhile, it's strong enough to take it all. Maybe for awhile I'll turn my mind off and just be ignorant. Perhaps I'll be happier that way, because too much thinking and knowing is a huge fucking pain in the ass.

Lost Then Found.

2009-11-05T05:40:00.001+08:00

The sound of a heart breaking isn’t poetic. It is hollow. It is tragic. It calls for rituals – the denial, the shock, the anger, the disappointment, culminating in hopelessness. Just like a shrinking white star slowly collapsing inwardly, with memory drawn from every breath a blow. It’s like death without the sleeping part.

***

At right about this moment, I'm having the worst mix of all these said rituals. I feel like the real me has died and I am just a walking shell of a person. I feel numb. All the pain that lead up to this very moment has taken a life of its' own. At this very moment, I've lost myself to it all.

In a world where sex is no longer a big thing to anyone, men seem to forget that leaving a woman after sharing that sort of intimacy with her is an awful thing to do, especially when they know that this intimacy meant something to them, and it wasn't just for the sake of just doing it. I feel like a fool for giving the best of myself to someone who changed his mind, and will not take the responsibility of fixing what's broken but instead, continues to let it just happen and break further. What's worse is knowing he's already open himself to this sort of intimacy with someone else. It's a thought that eats at you inside, made worse by the reality that this man.. is just like any other man that has taken you for granted.

What has our world come to?

These Small Hours.

2009-11-04T18:20:00.000+08:00

It's in the moments before you fall asleep, and when you wake up that are the hardest. It dawns that you no longer have someone's arms to fall asleep in or his warmth to wake up to. When it hits you that some other girl is going to fall asleep in those arms and wake up to that warmth that have been yours for the past half of the year, that is what completely breaks you apart. The thought of someone else sharing those private, intimate moments so soon after you that hurts you the most because you know your touch is no longer longed for no matter how wonderful those moments were.

When someone moves on to another person so quick, you feel your memory disrespected. You feel yourself forgotten. You feel like all you've done was never worth anything because it didn't even take them time to move on. They didn't even take time to think of you or remember you before going on to the next "right now". They're already so distracted by this shiny, new thing that they have that they won't even have time to stop and think about you. It makes you feel like your being with them meant nothing and it was just pointless.

There are most days that I feel this way, but all I am counting on is for things to get better. Today was one of the better days, where I didn't wake up feeling like I needed him. I saw him last night, and strangely I didn't feel that pull in my heart. I don't know whether it hurt me so much that I was numb or if I just really, really didn't feel that way anymore. I've been pushing all my feelings aside as a way to cope, but I know one day they could all come crashing out. It's never easy to forget about someone you've been so closely intimate with, and even harder to forgive them if they intend on being intimate with someone else so quickly after you. My feelings are awfully confused. I'm not sure if I'm sad, angry or just plain cold.

I'm really not very sure how I'm going to go about this, but I guess I'll figure it out.

Don't Speak.

2009-11-03T16:47:00.000+08:00

Every man I have ever loved has disappointed me. My father, my grandfather, my stepfather, and every boy I've ever dated up 'til this day. Girls, you think the church boys won't hurt you? They fuck you up the most. All I've ever dated were boys raised as Christians, and they turn out worse than the next. These are the men you expect to be the ones who are stable enough to look after you, because they'd know to do things right. But you know what? They fuck up too and it's worse because you don't expect it from them.

I'm beginning to lose faith in men. I don't know why I want to believe that it will get better for me when all the ones I've ever met have only hurt me. I don't want to give up on people, but I feel this time I've really got no choice. This was the last straw.

Fuck was I?

2009-11-01T16:43:00.002+08:00

I've got another confession to make,

I'm your fool.

Everyone's got their chains to break,

Holding you.

Were you born to resist or be abused?

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

Or are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head,

Without your noose.

You gave me something that I didn't have,

But had no use.

I was too weak to give in,

Too strong to lose.

My heart is under arrest again,

But I'll break loose.

My head is giving me life or death,

But I can't choose.

I swear I'll never give in,

I refuse.

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

It's real, the pain you feel,

You trust, you must confess.

Is someone getting the best

The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

It's real, the pain you feel.

The life, the love,

You'd die to heal.

The hope that starts,

The broken hearts,

You trust, you must confess.

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend,

I'm no fool.

I'm getting tired of starting again,

Somewhere new.

Were you born to resist, or be abused?

I swear I'll never give in, I refuse.

Is someone getting the best

The best, the best, the best of you?

***

You learn so much about yourself when it's reflected in another person's eyes. I never knew how much I've turned into this person. I guess I've changed too. I think I'll take this time to figure out who it is I really am, the person who first got here, or the person who I am now. I guess only time will tell. I only hope I have enough.

Playing God.

2009-11-01T04:34:00.001+08:00

A talk with a great friend brought me some new perspective to my situation. The heart wants what it wants. No matter what is said or what is done, the heart will come to its revelations only in its own time. There's no use forcing or fighting because you will never change it. That is why the heart is always stronger than the mind. The people who think with it are the hardest to sway. The heart is hurt easier than the mind, therefore you cannot argue with it. The heart thinks with no logic but with emotion. Speaking to a heart with rationale will never get you anywhere.

There's always factors that change things, but you cannot force them but just let them happen. Being the absolute control freak that I am, this idea scares the hell out of me and because I know I'm holding on by a thread, I pull more violently, even though it seems that I fail to see that a thin thread breaks easier, so I should stop pulling and leave it be.

Maybe I don't always have to do things my way. It's usually when I stop trying to do it my way that reality kicks in, and the things that I wanted to happen.. just happen. I'm just afraid that it will be too late. For someone like me, I know what too late means. This fear is not something that should keep me from living my life. I cannot keep doing this anymore. I need to let go and let whatever will happen.. just happen.

There will be bad days and there will be good days, but if this is a chance to gain back strength and independence, it'll be stupid not to go for it. Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. There will be days where I feel absolutely broken, but I will not let my feelings break me. It's time to rise above again.

Preparedness.

2009-10-31T05:31:00.000+08:00

You'll never know a good thing 'til it's gone.

A phrase so cliché that people don't even think twice when they hear it anymore. Wake up, people. Life IS cliché. We all know that it's true. I don't for a second believe that in this case it's any different. I believe there will be a day that you wake up feeling alone, and you will miss having me there. I believe there will be a day that you feel so uncared for that you will miss my abundant concern. I believe there will be a day that you feel so rejected that you will miss always having me to come to.

This is something I'm never going to stop believing. Well, if I'm wrong at least I will know instead of having had to wonder all this while. I hope this break does us more good than bad. Sometimes we need to experience the bad to remember how good we had it. So let's see if this is where your wake up call will come from.

Elmo Song.

2009-10-30T03:07:00.000+08:00

You say that everything will be okay, and that you don't feel that sense of dread.. but I do. It's not going to be okay. We're not going to be okay. This is going to tear us apart. This is going to be the breaking point. This is going to be the end of 'us'. I know it, and I feel it. This is not a situation where I worry about something and it turns out to be not as bad as I thought it'd be. It's going to be much, much worse. I've prepared myself for it.

Right now I'm the most vulnerable I've ever felt in my life. I haven't felt this sad in a long time. I didn't want to have to feel this now. Not again. Not so soon. I know you don't feel it, but I think this is what's going to kill us for sure.

You're the only one I want to sing the Elmo song with, and we'll never be able to do that together again.

Let's give this all we've got for the rest of today.
October 30th, watch out.

Ignorance.

2009-10-29T03:28:00.000+08:00

I keep asking myself if given the chance, would I want to do things right? I don't know, I really don't know. I'm happy with the way everything is now, but things will change. Things change tomorrow. After our last night together, everything is going to be different. I don't know if I like the thought of it. No, I don't like the thought of it at all.

There's no way to fight the inevitable. I have to just let this happen.
Maybe things will turn out for the best, even if it hurts just for a little while.

Kiss From A Rose.

2009-10-28T06:43:00.002+08:00

I'm freaking out.
I'm seriously losing it.
Two days is not enough.
I don't want it to be enough.
There's gotta be more than this.

I need you.
No matter how much anyone else tells me I don't.

This is truly a nightmare come true.

Without Love.

2009-10-28T01:50:00.000+08:00

After all the happy afternoons we've been having, I wonder how it's gonna be to finally live without being with each other. A part of me dreads it and is petrified, but another part of me is excited for what this will bring. I'm glad that slowly I'm finding myself again, and I'm more independent than before. I like knowing that I can live without you. But being able to live without you is different from wanting to. I don't really know if I want to leave you.

But if I do, I'm not gonna deny this.
I'll miss you like fuck.

Better Off.

2009-10-27T16:57:00.001+08:00

I wish you understood the damage you've done.

I wish you cared.

Don't Dream It's Over.

2009-10-27T05:13:00.002+08:00

I told myself that there will come a day that I will not need you anymore, what I fear most is that this day does not come in time and I'm left completely broken and abandoned. There is only so much I will be able to do to make everything better, and I'm afraid it will not be enough to get over you.

3.
Three more days are not enough, but they're all I have.

The dreams I've been having seem to be recurring. It's always the same, you always leave. If not because of someone else, but because you're just not there anymore. I looked it up to see if there was any meaning behind it, but it just means I'm afraid of you leaving and that when I dream you're already gone, my subconscious is preparing itself to be without you. I'm scared, so god damn scared. I don't think I can deal with this so soon but I have no choice. I need to get out of here. I need to run until the worst is over.

You say that you're not the one for me, but don't you think I know? Nothing will ever be good enough if all we look for is the one, because then every memory is dispensable. I don't want this to be dispensable. I don't want to be forced to forget this. I hate being forced to leave behind something like this, because it was different. I don't want to categorize you into being the same as every other guy I've had. I want a break from having to do all this again.

I'm not ready to find the one, but I believe that every person I encounter along the way will prepare me. Honestly, I don't think you're ready either, and I don't think that we're done yet. We still have so much more. Fighting the inevitable is a losing battle, so all I can do is wait and see if we're really ready to live without each other. If push comes to shove, I hope the fighter in me shows up and makes it all okay. I cannot afford to lose that part of me now.

The Clockwise Witness.

2009-10-26T03:55:00.000+08:00

And then there were four.

Funny how fast time passes by when you wish you had more time, but I guess that's just how things are. I wonder if by then I'll be ready to move on, I wonder by then if I'll be ready to be okay. A friend told me yesterday that being with someone, and loving someone, is more for ourselves, not for them. It's something we just need and want to do. We do it even though they don't deserve it, because.. we do. We are all entitled to feel that way. To feel like someone matters that much.

I hope in 4 days I realise that it's completely okay not to love, especially someone who in no way deserves it right now after all that's been done and all that he's going to do to make everything worse. Funny thing is, I already know yet I'm still not ready to move on. Why is it so terrifying? Why is it that I'm so convinced that this is what's been keeping me together this whole time and without it I'll fall apart? Why do I feel this overwhelming sense of dread? Is it because I stayed under the inclination of love. and deep down I don't want to believe that it fell apart?

I'm so terrible at failing, and it feels exactly that. Like I'm failing at a relationship. That's what it is. I've failed.

I just don't know how to live with it.

Digital Love.

2009-10-24T06:23:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder what the hell am I still doing stuck in this position. I wonder why I sabotage myself from having something that really makes me happy. I don't know if it's complacence and settling or the fear of not knowing if I'll ever find something better. Something tells me, it's got to be better than this right? It has got to get much better than this. Feelings like these are not made to be wasted on people who don't even appreciate them, who take them and use them to give to someone else. They say if you stop looking, something good will finally come along, but how the hell do you know if you're not even looking? Maybe I should start, so I can get over all this quick.

I have to end this masochistic bullshit. I have to stop being convinced that I actually like feeling like this. I have to remember that it's way better, and that I deserve more than just that. I deserve more than better, because in comparison to whatever this is, even those standards are way too low. Snap the hell out of it. Cut the damn cord, everyone's telling me to. Why can't I? Why am I so scared of hurting someone else and allow myself to be the one who bears the pain? I absolutely cannot take this unnecessary fall.

Let life and karma deal with the rest.
I've done enough already.

6 more, then I'll run free.

Welcome Home.

2009-10-23T05:47:00.000+08:00

Thought? Perhaps you want the bitching to stop, because you realise there's no point bitching about the truth but just remain oblivious about it for your own good. What you don't know won't hurt you? Hmm. Doesn't matter, none of this matters anymore but I just had to get it off my mind so I can actually sleep. Completely random.

ANYWAY.

I've been having the strangest dreams lately. First the dreams of him dating a Filipino girl named Carmelita, and her wanting to buy him a lucky cat, to him and Noel arguing because Noel spilled to me about her, to Ikram wanting to go to TAG. Last night, I actually dreamt that I was in the cinema watching '9' with Ariff, Khabil and Chan, whom I've never even met before, but after the awesome Coheed and Cambria song played, it was.. Disney's Princess and the Frog.. in 2D! Equally awesome, but incredibly random.

Cosmic Collision played tonight at Mardi Gras, and as usual.. he was a major rockstar. So very, very proud of him. I love the band name Cosmic Collision and how the origin of the band name relates to me. Very, very cool. Not as cool as Mardi Gras buy 1 free 1 on Thursdays, I swear. RM15 for TWO whiskey and cokes? So win I could die. I love whiskey almost as much as I love tequila shots. Mmm. So sad I can't drink anymore. Sigh.

Yeah, I don't really have much to say.
Good morning, world.
It's 5.46am.

Satisfaction.

2009-10-22T02:18:00.000+08:00

I don't care what happens after these 8 days anymore, because truth and karma will smack you in your unevenly powdered face soon enough. FYI, the skin on your face and neck don't match. Gross.

I will never ever let anyone diminish my importance ever again, and after these 8 days I am utterly and completely free. I honestly don't care that much anymore, but I'm just irritated that I might not get the last say, and that is kind of all that really matters.

After all, no drama queen leaves without a dramatic exit.

Absolutely.

2009-10-21T05:21:00.002+08:00

I'm starting to think that maybe time is not enough. While time dulls the pain of most things, it heals nothing. Patience may be a virtue, but resilience is divinity. Resilience is the strength to pick yourself up and go back to living, it is not waiting around for yourself to forget. Resilience is the will to keep on loving when the world crushes your heart into dust and saying, "It's okay, I'll still try put it back together". Resilience is telling yourself it's okay to move on.

A lot of the time we forget that we are meant for more than being just being wanted by someone else. We let ourselves get stepped on and broken, because we forget what we're truly worth. We forget because each time someone changes their mind, we allow their decision to bear weight on our worlds. Since when did we hand over the reigns to our lives? Since when did it be okay to let some other person who doesn't even know you as well as yourself, decide whether or not you deserve to be happy?

In these 9 days, I will hug, kiss and love. I will experience the things that I promised myself to the next time I fell for another guy. I will live and love like life has never hurt me, and it will be the best 9 days I can muster. When she finally comes and it all falls apart, I will not let myself fall apart with it. I will keep myself together because I am more than "better than this", I am fucking awesome, and nobody will ever take that away from me.

"Sometimes life will kick you around, but sooner or later you realise you're not just a survivor. You're a warrior, and you're stronger than anything life throws your way." - OTH

Daydreamer.

2009-10-19T17:53:00.000+08:00

The irony of Hallows eve,
The chosen for they to meet,
With cloaks of innocence and chivalry,
They disregard the lies beneath,
As poison finds way through their veins,
To interchange between met lips,
I hope this kiss is one of death,
So fate can soon eclipse,
What masqueraded as love so true,
With long-awaited reality,
That all was mere foolish hope,
Made beautiful with curiosity.

Desperate? I agree.
One can only dream to see the day where people aren't ridiculous anymore.

Use Somebody.

2009-10-16T03:12:00.000+08:00

My head and heart have been screaming one thing in unison lately. "HOME WRECKER!". That's all I will ever know you as. Someone who came along and tore everything apart, with utter recklessness and disregard for anyone but yourself. I will never blame him as much as I blame you, and I will never hate him as much as I hate you. All the plans we made that will go down the drain, all because of you. I have never hated anyone more than I hate you.

Today I dreamt that he died, and even after I woke up, this eerie feeling just trailed me all day. It seemed unreal to me to actually see his face and touch him, because my mind so believed that he was gone. Perhaps my subconscious is prepping me for the 31st, convincing me that he's already gone so I will be able to live without him. I tend to stare these days, because I just can't grasp the concept of everything. I can't believe this boy I thought I knew so well would have done something so unimaginable. Up until today, even though I've lived the reality of it, I still refuse to believe I was so wrong about someone. It's not so much what he's done, but how I never even saw it coming. I hate being wrong, especially being wrong about people because I am someone who trusts myself to be extremely discerning.

After everything, why do I still believe that you are better than this? Am I really a closet idealist, though I've stated how much I despise said utopians? This really cannot be. How is it that I let myself get to this place? I'm absolutely baffled.

Starstrukk.

2009-10-14T22:53:00.001+08:00

today i drove alone.

at a stop light,

i thought about you.

who you used to be and who you are now,

i thought about who i thought you were,

i thought about who you really are.

i thought about how i'd thought to myself,

"this is a boy i could never fight with"

and,

"this is a boy who won't hurt me for a change".

i thought about how wrong i was.

i thought about me.

who i used to be and who i am now,

i thought about why i never seemed to be good enough,

i thought about how i'm going to start all over again,

i thought about how i told myself,

"this time i'm going to make it work",

and,

"this time i'm not going to run away".

i thought about how i had failed.

in 15 seconds,

i had thought of the most painful 7 months i've ever been through.

7 months of hurt,

7 months of being tossed around,

7 months of breaking myself apart,

7 months of wasted love.

in the next 15 seconds,

i thought of the next 2 weeks,

and how it will finally be the end.

i'd always thought it'd be easier to let go,

of something that's caused me so much grief.

but in 7 months,

this life has become all i know,

and no matter how painful it is,

i've grown used to it,

and even change for the better,

it terrifies me to no end.

losing a routine is terrifying,

no matter how bad that routine was for you.

nobody likes having to figure things out all over again.

30 seconds passed,

and before the lights had even turned green,

i figured out all that i needed to,

and i realised what it was that i really had to do.

my head tells me to soldier up,

but my heart tells me to remain hopeful for the better.

it's impossible to function when seething with so much inner conflict.

after these 2 weeks,

maybe this silence is as good as it gets,

maybe this solitude is all i will have,

maybe i will go back to being alone,

but maybe.. just maybe.

it will all be enough,

and i'll finally find peace.

for now,

i'll just keep driving.

maybe finally, i'll end up somewhere.

just maybe.

***

Just something I put up on my notes on Facebook. Thought I'd post it here as well. My mind is probably going to go into overdrive for the next two weeks. It feels somewhat like there's just not enough time to figure things out, but this is all we have. I promised to live the next two weeks like she doesn't exist, but somehow it's getting a little difficult. I sometimes wish she'd acknowledge herself as a part in this so it gives me all a reason, but then again that's just wishful thinking.

It's all thought.

Everything's always just thought.

I've learned not to find reasons to justify love and hate.

Some feelings are unjustifiable.

Tik Tok.

2009-10-12T03:44:00.000+08:00

I am holding my breath and counting to infinity because I am so upset right now it makes practically zero sense that I haven't exploded. However, I am one to keep my promises, so I will bite my tongue and just merely.. express my dissatisfaction very, very mildly.

.. But then again, I promised not to blog about us. I think, however, this is an exception.

I've realised it's not so much how much emotions I have tangled up in this that makes me fight so hard to want to make everything work, but how much I refuse to quit and how much I refuse to admit defeat. Honestly, the feelings are fading so quick it scares me, but still I will never let anyone treat me this way and get away with it unscathed.

If this is the game you want to play, fine.

I'll play.

But I refuse to lose.

Know Your Enemy.

2009-10-02T14:27:00.000+08:00

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room.

***

There's so much left for us to do.

I don't know if one month is enough.

You make me so happy.

I wish things didn't have to end this way.

30. 10. 09

Day of reckoning.

Live High.

2009-09-29T00:06:00.000+08:00

You only stay with me in the morning,

You only hold me when I sleep,

I was meant to tread the water,

Now I've gotten in too deep.

With every piece of me that wants you,

Another piece backs away.

Because you give me something,

That makes me scared, alright.

This could be nothing,

But I'm willing to give it a try,

Please give me something,

'Cos one day I might know my heart.

You only waited up for hours,

Just to spend a little time alone with me,

And I can say I've never bought you flowers,

Because I can't work out what they mean.

I never thought that I'd love someone,

That was someone else's dream.

Because you give me something,

That makes me scared, alright.

This could be nothing,

But I'm willing to give it a try,

Please give me something,

'Cos one day I might call you from my heart,

But it might be a second too late.

And the words that I could never say,

Are gonna come out anyway.

***

Song of the moment, song of our lifetime. Goodbye Blogger, for a month. I'll see you when this all blows over. I hope I bear good news and my heart remains intact. I highly expect now to crash and burn, but sometimes things surprise you. For my own sake, I'm hopeful. God, for once I hope you're listening.

Second Chance.

2009-09-27T06:02:00.000+08:00

I'm in the midst of writing a new song, and it's turning out darker than I had expected it to. It's 5.30am and I've just gotten home from Geoff's barbecue in his beautiful Balinese lounge/house that his father built. I wish I had a place like that I could go to. I guess I've gotta settle with my room for now, and so.. I shall clean it tomorrow. Sanctuaries must be kept pristine, no?

I've been thinking a lot about trust, and how little I have for him. Honestly, I'm tired of all the disappointments. I'm tired of all the things he puts me through. It takes so much out of me just to believe the things he says when it comes to her, but still I try. I guess because he says he tries too. Trust is a commodity thrown around too much because people forget what it's worth. To avoid disappointment, I've been expecting the worst from him, and to even more disappointment, the worst is usually what he gives me. I still blame her, because even though she knows about me, she pursues at full speed. Fact: people are god damn selfish, so maybe I should be too. From here on out, I care about no one's feelings more than my own and I will do whatever I can to protect them.

I am actually in a pretty good mood right now, but thinking about her just brings out the worst in me. Hmph. I am glad though, that everything she's had to imagine doing, we've already done. I find it absolutely hilarious because of how much they think this all is, but in real life, they've achieved nothing and gotten nowhere. Another fact? People are awfully stupid. Too true.

Just The Two Of Us.

2009-09-26T04:55:00.000+08:00

Throughout life people will make you mad,

Disrespect you and treat you bad,

Let God deal with the things they do,

'Cause hate in your heart will consume you too.

This afternoon, I made the scariest presentation of my life. I wondered if it would mean that it was over after I laid out everything clearly. Luckily, everything fell right into place. Next week will be a busy week for us both, but I hope we manage to find time either over the weekend or over then. She popped up while I was using his MSN today, and I was so tempted to tell her to go away. The nerve some people have. Daring to make a response to my comment on his wall is one, but being such a coward and deleting it is another. Tsk. I really do not think highly of you as a person, you vapid waste of space. Ugh. I'm gonna keep you off my mind, thinking about you even pisses me off. I'm just going to not bother with you anymore, because you're not what matters in this, it's us. Just me and him. If I keep hating you and arguing with him about you, it'll tear us apart. I'm going to take my chances and trust him.

I backtracked my horoscope for the day, and even though I don't track dailies, it made me smile. Why?

The atmosphere of the day makes everyone a lot more easygoing. This includes your loved one, who is the epitome of sweetness and light right now. If you cannot quite believe your eyes at this sudden and astonishing transformation, you can at least take advantage of it. Go ahead and ask for anything you like; there is a very strong chance you'll get it.

Because it was absolutely 100% true. After this afternoon, I think I've fallen for you all over again and this fresh breath of air and understanding was what we've needed all along. I'm hoping and praying so much for us. God, I hope you're listening.

Suddenly I See.

2009-09-24T02:47:00.000+08:00

I always seem to go for the most difficult guy. The one who causes me the most hurt, the most confusion, the most heartache. In the end, I guess I'm just searching for something that makes it all worth it. Tonight I told you I loved you, and I asked you if you thought it strange. You said no. Truth is, I loved you all along. I fell for you so long ago. Long before she happened. I knew if I said it then, it wouldn't have made any difference, it wouldn't have made any sense. It was too soon. I wondered if things would've been different if I told you, if I stopped you. If I didn't let you go so far. I never did, I never tried. I was never sure.

Love. Love is tossed around so much these days. "I love you" is the new hello. It's always easier to love what you do not know, because when you know, you find the flaws that make it even harder to love. How do you know what is love? How do you know who you love? Finally after all these months, I know I love you. And in the most tumultuous times of this relationship, I've decided to say it. Not because it makes a difference, but because I am sure. I know. I have seen every side of you, every flaw, every hurt you put me through, and still I want to be the one who's right beside you at the end of the day. All I ever wanted, was you.

I don't care anymore about what you say to anyone, even so what you say to her, because right now, I'm pretty sure of how well I know you, and if I am right, everything will play out exactly like how I think it will. In that case, I am not worried at all. At least, not for us.

***

New songs in the process of being written. I'm glad you thought the one I wrote for you was good.

Skin.

2009-09-18T18:02:00.001+08:00

He came home early to spend some time with me before heading back to school for Friday performance. I'm glad that he still has time for me even though he's a big rockstar in training. Heh. My gosh. I should really add cuddling in the afternoon to the list of favourite things. Mmm.

We head to Penang tonight and it's pissing down outside. Thank God I didn't listen to him and get my car washed or I'd be so angry right now. Sigh. Still waiting for him to come home, probably an hour more. We'll head straight to bed when he's home and wake up at 2am to start driving. Considering the rain, I'm not sure if it's a good idea to go to Cameron Highlands for breakfast.

On another note, I'm trying to find a sleeping arrangement that won't be insanely awkward now that his sister is coming with us. There is no combination that isn't mega wrong. Good thing is we probably won't spend much time in the room. I hope Penang is really all fun, sun and char kuey teow. Mmm. Char kuey teow.

We've been hitting several rough patches lately, but they always end in us making up. We both agree that the moments we have after our fights are the best and the most intimate because the guards are down and it's just us. In each others' arms. Exhausted, but together.

I wonder what will happen when finally, one day.. our fights actually mean that it's the end.

***

Another rough patch hit because of trust issues. I mean seriously, would you trust someone to be alone, if every single time you leave them alone they seem to have a new way to hurt you or disappoint you? Considering another factor, the lying and cheating factor, is it really so out of the ordinary for me to get upset at you when you pull a stunt like this?

I told you that I'd let you keep her, but you'd have to bear with the consequences.

So chigga please, don't you even dare lose your shit when I react the way I do, because we both know you had it coming.

Changes.

2009-09-09T18:35:00.003+08:00

That was the turning point. Things were supposed to change, but why does it feel like we're still stuck in the same god damn place? Is the how it's supposed to be when you said things would get better? You say you're trying, you could damn well be trying, but I don't see anything. I don't see you taking the extra effort. I just don't see it. You say you need time, but I'm fed up of waiting. All I've been doing this whole relationship is wait for you.

I'm really, really tired of waiting. I'm so tired of initiating. I am the girl, I shouldn't have to be the one doing all this. I'm tired of throwing myself at you and hope you're in a good enough mood to reciprocate my affection, and if you shoot me down, oh well. Try again later. So I have to wait all over again.

I hate waiting, but for you, it's all I've ever done. I made exceptions for you. I waited for you to be ready for everything, I waited for you to decide what you wanted, I'm waiting for you to decide what you will want. All I ever do is freaking wait. For the tiniest sliver of time, why not you actually do something, ANYTHING to show that you want to pull your weight in this. You finally said you wanted to do this, that you wanted to make things work with me, but what action have you taken to back up your words? Why are you fighting to keep me by your side?

I'm sorry, I know you hate to hear this, but I can't help but say.. you would never treat her this way. I don't think I'm any less than her, hell fucking no. I've seen the way you talk to her, I've seen the extents you've gone to for her, I've heard all the lies you've told for her, but what about me? What the fuck about me? If anything, I deserve it more than she does. I let you hurt me for HER. What the hell for? For you to keep me at arm's length, then when I decide I'm tired of fighting to get closer and walk away, you decide to pull me back? For fuck's sake, my blog is now private because you didn't have the guts to tell her yourself. Why should I be the one keeping quiet for your sake, when your sake demeans mine? Why am I protecting her feelings for you? I don't give a fuck about that bitch. Right now, I don't give a fuck about you.

I'm tired of figuring out what you want from me.
So you know what?
Fuck it.

When you're done being self-absorbed, or Sheena-absorbed, Or whatever.
You call me.

But this time around, I'm not gonna wait for you anymore.

Lately.

2009-09-09T05:42:00.000+08:00

I don't generally relate to mando-pop music, because half the time I don't really understand what they're singing. I heard this song a little while back in Monster's car, and even at that point in time while things were really rocky, it sort of described the thing we had with each other. It's really one particular part of the chorus that particularly strikes me. I'm gonna do my best to type it out, because it's 4.30am and I am bored. So here goes.

你想要的我卻不能够给你我全部，
我能给的卻又不是你想要擁有的，
我们不适合也不想認輸.

Okay, fine. I gave up after the first 5 characters, the rest I just copied and pasted off some random website. ANYWAY, I do kind of think we're both too stubborn to lose out on all of this, even though we know we're just too different. Despite all the differences, I think we're still really happy. That's the only reason why we've fought for this for so long. This is the longest and hardest I've fought for a relationship, and I hope that this time it's going to be god damn worth it.

***

Going way off-side, I kind of wish we had a song. I wish there was something that would remind us of each other. I kind of wish that there was some tiny special thing that was ours. I wish I could listen to a song, and hear the lyrics and get that warm fuzzy feeling and go, "Hey. That's exactly what I think of you. Of us."

Sadly, tragically.. I think it's Slow Dancing in a Burning Room.

Now that kind of depresses me.
We'll discuss this another time.

Big Me.

2009-09-09T02:35:00.003+08:00

This is beginning to irritate me severely. I swear, every time she pops up, I will do with you something that will be.. hmm. Too explicit, even for this blog. I'm starting to believe that you maybe keep doing this because you're beginning to enjoy it.

And you, oh delusional one, remember every time you post something on his wall, or drop him a text, or send him an e-mail, I find out. When I do, I will do him, and I will do him good.

Just you fucking watch me, bitch.

Lost Without You.

2009-09-08T14:00:00.000+08:00

What happened last night was extremely unfortunate. It was the closest I've ever been to really wanting to end it. It's hard as hell to trust a boy who is already actively cheating, yet you decide to tolerate it and you give him a second, third, fourth, hundredth chance, each time promising that he won't do it again. But you know he does, you know he can't stay away because he's so god damn curious, and his cheating requires so little commitment that it's so easy for him. What guy doesn't enjoy that kind of attention anyway? How many more until the chances are all used up? I've let it go close to a million times, but I know I will reach a breaking point soon, and it won't be pretty. Not for me, but for him. I've stuck by his side for so many months despite all he's done, and that's gotta count for something.

In a way, I don't really blame him. I actually, really blame her. I blame her for coming in at a time where we needed to work things out, I blame her for keeping him hanging by her strings, I blame her for being selfish enough to try promise something she cannot even deliver, at least not now, I blame her for still popping up when she knows he has someone else, regardless of what he tells her. I know she knows more, and is choosing to remain oblivious just so her actions are justified.

Even if it's not to you, this is a fight. I am fighting for the boy that makes me happy. This is my plea for you to please leave him be when he's still working things out with me. Let's face it, at this point in time, I can take much better care of him than you can. Why can't you just us enjoy this? Why must you butt in? You've put us through enough already. I know he's a boy and will not know the right decisions to make, but I know you know. I am appealing to the side of you that I hope is not a complete bitch. We are happy. We want to be happy. So please, just leave us be.

***

These are all the things I've needed to say, but for his sake I've kept quiet. I'll let him do it on his own accord. But god, I am so tired of fighting someone who isn't even here. It's taking a toll on our relationship, and it's taking a toll on me. I'm running out of love and running out of chances. I know he still needs me, I can't hurt him on purpose, but I don't know how much more of her I can take.

Poppy.

2009-09-07T03:47:00.001+08:00

I didn't remember it being this tough to be away from you. It's only been the second day, but I'm bored without you already. Sigh. I think it's time I get my sleep schedule back on track, so I spend my day not completely missing you. I think that would be a great idea.

One week to my party, and I'm going into freak out mode. I don't have a clue what I want to do for entertainment, but I know Monster and friends will be doing a couple of songs, which I would definitely love. Other than that.. what the hell do people do at sit down parties besides get totally ass drunk and dance on table tops?

.. I don't think Palate's that kind of place. Hmm. I don't think I'm that type of girl anymore.

Someone comes into town today that I'm not ready to see alone. Not because I don't like this person, but.. because I do and I don't exactly fully trust myself at this state. I hold strongly to loyalty and not cheating on whoever it is I'm seeing. Regardless of relationship status, if I choose one, I stick with one. I hope staying with Monster and not wanting to jeopardize it is the right choice. It would be perfect if only it was like the other night all the time, where I turned away from him in bed and he still rolled over to sling his arm around me. It's sweet and I really liked it.

If ONE more person asks me, "Omg. Where's Jon? How come you're not with Jon?!", I will smack them because it's been making me sad. Hmph.

Sigh.

I'm still missing you.

Have fun back home!
:)

Come Home.

2009-09-05T22:35:00.000+08:00

I hated the first verse of this song, but I can't help but fall in love with it. It's really quite beautiful. I'm missing you more than I thought I would, and I just don't feel like doing anything without you this weekend. I think I'm gonna stay home, play poker and watch How I Met Your Mother. I hate being this needy, but I feel so god damn lonely.

:(

In the back of my mind, there's still this lurking thought of whether or not she'll pop up to surprise you. Me. Us. I'm scared for us. I really am, because we've only just begun and I can't bear anything happening to us now. I wouldn't know what to do.

I miss you.

World In My Eyes.

2009-09-01T23:44:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I should really be staying so devoted to someone who doesn't even seem happy being with me. I wonder if the sacrifices I make are justified, or if everything is for nothing. I wonder if all my efforts and my affections will be just thrown back in my face. It's like giving someone a gift and have them say.. "Um. Here, have it back. I don't want it. There's something else I'd rather have." Apart from sounding absolutely ungrateful, it's downright rejection.

You really have no choice but to sit there dumbfounded and think as to what to do next. What have I gotten myself into? Why am I setting myself up for impending doom? Why am I being such a god damn retard? Last but not least, will all this be worth it, or will I have done everything for nothing?

It's a question that keeps coming up over and over again. It's a question I won't ever be able to stop asking, because I never stop until I get an answer. I'm not too sure if it's any answer, or if it's until I get an answer I want. Maybe it's time for me to learn, that I can't have everything my way and people will not always see things like me. I know I'm always a few steps ahead and need to take it as it comes, but is it so wrong to have a self-defense mechanism? Is it so wrong to want to protect myself from getting totally and utterly fucked?

***

Scenario:

You lose your favourite handbag. It could have been your own fault for being careless, or someone could have stolen it from you, or even.. it grew legs and walked out your door one fine night. But whatever, point is.. you lost it. You go out in search for one that is exactly the same, but you never find it again. You find something much like it, with certain things that are the same, but other things that are different that you either love or hate. For the first few times, you look at it begrudgingly, missing your old handbag, thinking.. you're never gonna be the same. So you decide to suck it up, work with what you have.

Slowly, you find that you're starting to love this new bag. You unzip certain pockets and find absolutely adorable lining, or you find that this one wears a little better and matches with more of your other clothes and accessories. It's not something you'd usually take out everyday, but now it's become a part of your daily life.

But one day, you stick your hand into one of the side pockets and find that someone else had actually reserved this bag. They want it, and they want it bad. There's even a tiny little hidden red compartment with their name engraved in it. Damn. But lo and behold! To your luck, this person is overseas and says you can keep it until they buy it off you when they're back. Despite carrying this bag being a little gross since someone else's name is on it, you've grown attached to this bag. You find it hard to let go, because how do you know if this other person's gonna take as good care of it? Should I just try and remove that stupid red compartment and get someone to stitch in a new one for me, with my name on it? You think and try all sorts of things to try and keep this bag. Somehow, it feels like a part of you now.

You receive a call, and someone's found your lost bag and even installed a homing device so it keeps coming back your way. It's going to come your way soon. You obviously can't have two favourite bags, and in this time that your former bag was gone, this new one sort of took its place. Can you really decide if you want your old one back, when you're totally happy with this new one? Can you really say, "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm good. Thank you for everything though, but I've found a new favourite."?

What if no one's able to stitch in that new compartment, and that other person comes in and you've gotta sell? Not taking back the old one would mean you're left bagless.. and alone. This new one has someone else's name in a hidden compartment, and has no homing device, so it's free to get lost in a sea of other owners.

.. Despite all these concerns, you really, really deep down, do like it. A lot.
How the hell are you supposed to choose?

Fuck.

She Had The World.

2009-08-30T22:38:00.001+08:00

I can be extremely, and I mean extremely accommodating, but something in me just snaps when I'm expected to be accommodating. It's just the inconsideration of some people that just pisses me off, that they think I should be the one to adapt or change plans just to suit their wants and needs. I don't see why everyone else's wants or needs should be thought of before mine, I don't see why my wants or my convenience shouldn't be taken into consideration in the first place. If it was the first time, I'd keep quiet and not think twice about it, but you're so god damn inconsiderate, you wouldn't even think that it's happened more than this before, have you? Ugh. I'm tired of arguing. If you're going to be just this inconsiderate all the time, I have nothing more to say. I'll just get used to it because you're not gonna see it from any other angles.. except for your own.

On another note, this blog is going private because I shall fill it with more sordid details soon, and it's going to get a little more.. personal. I already have a bunch of people that I've added to the list of approved readers. If you wanna make sure you're on that list, or if you want to request viewership, drop me an e-mail at pr0z4c89 @ gmail.com. That is all.

Fare thee well, people.

And to the remaining readers, buckle up.

This is gonna get far more interesting.

And to el bitches, time to get your information from elsewhere.

Because I'm not gonna feed you with anymore fact and detail that you can misconstrue to your own liking. You have what you think is the truth, and you're all so god damn fucking stupid, you eat up whatever you're fed. You all don't know shit, and you won't know anything anymore.

P.S: Watching Obsessed with Monster and his housies. I think this is what you perceive me as, and man, can't I wait 'til you find out the truth and watch you fall apart. Hmm, hmm, hmm.

Megalomaniac.

2009-08-29T21:26:00.002+08:00

Watching the boys jam at Akarkarya. It's astounding to see what great musicians they're becoming. I have an inkling that they're gonna go really far doing what they do, and I'm glad that this is what they love and that so many opportunities are unfolding for them.

Hmm. Some people are awfully pathetic, waging wars that aren't their own. Concerning themselves in situations that they have absolutely nothing to do with. Have you nothing better to do? Don't point fingers at me, because this is my situation, and you have no part of it, so scurry off.. maybe get yourselves some lives, yes? Pfft.

Mfff. Monster's drum banging is giving me a migraine. Off I go.

Emergency.

2009-08-29T14:44:00.002+08:00

I don't think I've ever encountered such a person before, who would go to such extents for someone knowing that your presence is not welcome, knowing that there's already someone else there. Why not you stay within your borders, hmm? I am only this angry because you instigated it. Or well, he says you did. On another hand, if he had to lie and pin it on you, then I feel extremely sorry for you.

You are not off the hook yet. I want to know everything there is to know. Hiding things from me, and me finding out, which I always do, never comes with pretty consequences. I wonder if you know how many things run through this mind.

***

And you? I don't think you have any reason to dislike me. I didn't do anything to you, but if that's what you think, I.. really don't care. We like what we like.

Northern Downpour.

2009-08-28T14:43:00.002+08:00

If all our life is but a dream,

Fantastic posing greed,

Then we should feed our jewellery to the sea.

For diamonds do appear to be,

Just like broken glass to me.

I missed your skin when you were east,

You clicked your heels and wished for me.

***

I don't want you to go.

I heard a song on the radio, but I don't know who sings it, it sounded like Panic, but it also sounded like Fall Out Boy. The lyrics were really pretty, but I can't for the life of me remember any of it. Sigh. Maybe sometimes things aren't meant to be.

Rest In Pieces.

2009-08-27T00:32:00.003+08:00

Starting school's been hectic. No classes tomorrow though, but I'm not sure whether or not I want to drop Psychology or not. It's pretty interesting, but the lecturer's fake accent makes me want to stick sharp things into my eyes. Western Civilisations, Anthropology and French aren't available this semester, but Intro to Anthropology was a real bore. I thought it was going to be really interesting, but.. I was wrong. Hmm.

Monster and I are gonna spend more time together this weekend. Our school schedules have been making us cranky people. Tonight was nice though, having him and his housies over for dinner. I'm never letting him back into the kitchen to cook again because he's absolutely horrible at cooking. My poor bak choy was soaked in boiling water instead of blanched, and my new bottle of oyster sauce is only 1/8 full now. Basically it was drowned in water, then in sauce. Sad. I'll do the cooking from now on.

I found meatballs that tasted exactly like the ones from Ikea, all I need to do now is buy the sauce and Lingonberry jam from Ikea. Nyam. Ikea's being a real FUCKER and only having Malay food for the whole of this month after 5pm due to wanting to bank on buka puasa. BOO, YOU BITCHES. People want to buka with meatballs too, kay. Not just plain rice and rendang. It's ridiculous how all these establishments have been stopping the rest of us from eating just because it's ramadhan and they want to cater to the buka puasa crowd. WE'RE HUNGRY TOO!

I'm off to play The Sims 3 now. Monster and I adopted kids, mine's an angel.. but Monster's kid seems to be like Esther from Orphan and has been terrorizing my kid. *frowns* Will post screenshots in story mode one of these days when I'm bored enough.

The broken clock is a comfort,

It helps me sleep tonight.

Maybe it can stop tomorrow,

From stealing all my time.

But I am still here waiting,

Though I still have my doubts,

But I am damaged at best,

Like you've already figured out.

I'm falling apart,

I'm barely breathing,

With a broken heart,

That's barely beating.

.. I'm holding on.

Let's give this all we can.

I'm happy with how close we're getting.

Goodnight, world.

100 Years.

2009-08-24T23:49:00.002+08:00

This is officially my 100th post.

I watched the most amazing movie with Monster tonight. Not only was it filled with the things I love most (colourful helium balloons, puppies, beautiful soundtrack, subtle romance plot), but it was the kind of story that I would love to have. I wished so much to have a life filled with such adventure that was made better by having someone you love right by your side.

It was the kind of movie where I wished I had someone I was in love with's hand to hold, or shoulder to lean on, to laugh at me when I teared up. It threw me off guard and caught me by surprise that a movie like Up would be that one movie to tug away at my heart and unravel all my thoughts. I wanted so bad to walk hand in hand out of the theatre with someone who would've told me that I was the one they'd see themselves doing all that with, and doing all that for. In a way, I wished I watched this movie when I was still with you because you were the one hurt me, but loved me most.

***

If I were to float thousands of balloons back home to you, it would be to let you know each one represented every promise you broke, every lie you told, every heartache you caused and every night I cried over you, and that I remember it all. But to see all those colours and how beautiful it would be, would have made it all worth it, and would have reminded me of how perfect it was being with you. You made me so happy, but it just wasn't our time. I wonder if we listened, would we have made it out better? I guess only time can tell.

Je Veux Te Voir.

2009-08-24T01:48:00.002+08:00

I'm so into electro-pop right now, thanks to the video we made at Michele's house when we were all stupidly high off our tiredness. Midnight Juggernaut's version of Dragonette's Here I Come has been stuck in my head for a few days now, and the beat is just bopping around in my head.

Just got home from Nebula's celebratory dinner, and we spent most of the night talking about star signs and how they apply to us. We found that all of us really do match up to our star sign's traits, sometimes in ways we never really thought, until we saw it in another perspective. You do learn a lot about yourself and other people through the stars. It's a little scary yet exciting at the same time. What was made clear though, is how much my star sign balances out his, and vice versa. That made me kind of happy to know that we're good for each other. Well, in other words, really, I'm very, very happy. I just can't stop repeating it, because I'm rarely ever happy.

I've been thinking and I came to realise how much I hated having to share things I liked first with people that I despise. If there was something that I liked a lot, and once I knew the other person's caught wind of it, I'd hate it. Just like how I'd automatically hate the things said other person likes, just so I can give myself a reason to not have them as a part of my world. For instance, Monster shared Domo with someone when he knew that Domo was my thing. I even gave him one for his birthday. I carry one in my handbag. I have one as a pillow. I have a 3-foot one sitting at home. I used to import those things into the country for people to sell, for fuck's sake. You get the drift.

Anyway, that's just.. something you don't do. It's kind of sick in a way. I got really upset about it because it felt like I was forced to hate something I loved so much. I just didn't want to have anything to do with it anymore. It's like songs I know that the other person likes, I just choose to keep them out of my head because it makes me angry just to even have any song associated with them. Ugh, don't mind my ranting. I'm just thinking too much again. Honestly though, I'm sick of being reminded of you. I think the radio stations heard me cursing in the car the other day, because I haven't heard another one of her songs since. I thank the good Lord, that I don't hear the others either, not just Lenka. This band is not playing any of those, not on my watch.

Funny thing happened in the car though.

Monster: Why don't you sing for us? You could sing like.. Katy Perry, and that Distance song.

Me: *gives the dirtiest look* You want me to sing DISTANCE? Are you fucking kidding me?

Monster: *puzzled look* But I thought you liked that song?

Me: DISTANCE?!

Monster: Yeah, that one ah.. you know?

Me: BY NEVERENDING WHITE LIGHTS?!

Monster: Huh.. what? Who the.. Neverendi-.. *lightbulb comes on* OH. FUCK. NO, OF COURSE NOT. NO, NO, NO, NO! *sheepish look* I meant that other one with the girl who said long distance relationships suck!

Me: You mean Other Side Of The World by KT Tunstall?!

Monster: YES! OMG YES.

Me: I was so gonna stab you in the face until you explained yourself.

School's starting tomorrow, and I honestly can't wait. I'm all geared up with my new Kate Spade school bag and my new back-to-school outfit. I can't believe how funny it feels getting all excited to go to a new uni and meet new people. I wonder what to expect. I never make good first impressions because I'm rather stand-offish by nature, but I guess people see me differently after awhile. I, on the other hand, feel that I am very intuitive and I trust my instincts on people and am often right about them. Kind of hypocritical, not liking people to judge me based on the first impression I make, yet I hold so strongly to their first impressions on me. But then again, I'm never wrong about people. We'll see how that goes.

I never really give a shit what people think about me anyway, because I know they're wrong about me, and I know how stupid they feel once they get to know me.

*smirks*

I can't wait for after school. Monster and I are gonna get up to something we've been meaning to do for a while now. The wait is over! Yay!

Beautiful Nightmare.

2009-08-23T04:03:00.003+08:00

It's kind of refreshing to know how I'm thought of as the "delusional" one, when you're the one who has no clue what's going on. I agree with everything your friend's said about you and the kind of person you are, and what you are doing. How does it feel to have the tables turned? Oh wait, I bet you don't even know. I know exactly who you are and where you stand in all this, but you have no idea about me, do you? Funny thing is, circumstance is on my side now. You can only think and believe what you're fed, but you'll never know everything like I do. I really can't wait to see you knocked off your pedestal and I hope you don't survive the disappointment.

On another note, things have been smooth since I've been back, maybe a bump or two in the road, maybe a minor crash, but all resolved within the day. It feels really good. Everything is exactly how things should be at this point in time, and I'm ecstatic about it. We're comfortable and tremendously happy. I really like how things are, and by the looks of it.. this "right now" is gonna be for a long while more.

Almost Lover.

2009-08-18T13:22:00.002+08:00

Today Monster and his band are performing at Sunway for this talent show thing. Fingers crossed, I really hope they win! Leaving for soundcheck in about an hour. I wonder how things will go later. Hmmm.

An excerpt from Elizabeth Gilbert's 'Eat, Pray, Love'.

There are only two questions that human beings have ever fought over all through history. "How much do you love me?" and "Who's in charge?" Everything else is somehow manageable. But these two questions of love and control undo us all, trip us up and cause war, grief and suffering.

Hanging out at Michele's last night for her birthday was great. We took the best polaroids! They'll be up as soon as I can get them from Michele. Anticipate a multiple profile photo change on Facebook from all of us who were there.

I'm off to go get ready and pick Monster up, you all have a great day.

Good Girls Go Bad.

2009-08-17T14:29:00.002+08:00

Monster is having an exceptionally long day at school today, so I can't decide whether to eat now or wait for him to come home, then take Michele out for dinner. Gah. I'm going to go back to playing Sims 3 in a bit. I'm too blah to decide right now.

On a random note, I managed to get Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass sims on my Sims 3! Along with it comes a bonus track for Good Girls Go Bad for Sims. SCORE! I love how one of Chuck Bass' traits is Evil. Will see how that plays out.

Now I've got nothing to say.

Oh, school starts in 2 days!

But I guess nobody cares about that.

Blah.

KTHXBAI!

Hate Me.

2009-08-16T06:02:00.005+08:00

Sometimes all you've got still isn't enough to get you where you want to be. I'm putting everything I can into this, but maybe it's too much for what little I get in return. Love is selfless, but is this enough to keep me from burning out? It's a wrenching sort of heart-torn-out feeling, the ground beneath you collapses and you're falling, anticipating the hit. The impact. The end. You don't know how far the earth beneath you goes, and how hollow it really is until you hit rock bottom. The anxiety eats at you. It kills you. It hurts.

Suck it up, and soldier on. Hope is the only thing keeping me going, but I've learnt not to keep my hopes up. Even the tiniest glimmer of assurance that this isn't all for nothing will be enough. I've never been good at sharing, and I've never been good at putting others before me.

But I've never been good at failing or taking no for an answer. The inner conflict is overwhelming. I don't even know what to do with myself. I know I'm happier with you, but it hurts so fucking much not knowing. I hate not knowing. I hate surprises, and to date.. all the surprises that I've been handed, hurt me more than anything.

You are the darkness, you are the unfamiliar, you are not someone I'd take a chance on, you are not anything like what I'd feel safe with. You are a gamble and it scares the hell out of me taking this risk. The fear of getting myself hurt consumes me, but the part of me that is still so fresh, so curious, that is still wanting to be proven wrong about my views on love and life, defies the parts of me that are jaded and cynical from all my past hurts. All my disappointments. I don't want to feel any of that again.

But It's too soon for me to become so cold.

I still want to believe.

I still want something to hope for.

I really do.

I want to be this happy with someone who actually wants to be happy with me.

I will never accept being second to anything or anyone.

Take On Me.

2009-08-15T00:50:00.003+08:00

I told Monster today that people don't really want to read that other people are happy, they're more interested in knowing what you're upset about so they can justify or judge your actions. It gives them something to do. There's no arguing happiness, so nobody cares.

But I am happy! I spent the whole day hunting for a present for myself, because Monster insisted on getting my birthday present early. After mulling across DKNY, Marc Jacobs, Mulberry and Longchamp handbags, we decided to get sunnies because I always complained that I wanted new ones, and I got him Oakley ones for his birthday, so why not a pretty pair for me too? After trying on countless pairs, we finally settled on a gorgeous tortoise-shell Marc Jacobs pair. Pretty.

Thank you, Monster.

I had a wonderful day with you today.. again.

P.S: If you've ever tried and liked the nasi lemak on AirAsia, we found the exact same one at Chawan in Bangsar, except.. better. 11pm dinners are going to make me fatterrr. Grr.

P.P.S: WHY THE FUCK IS LENKA SO POPULAR NOW?! I will stab somebody if I hear another one of her songs on the radio. I seriously will go mental. Knock Knock is the absolute worst song on this planet. UGH.

Hush, Hush.

2009-08-14T04:22:00.003+08:00

I spent most of my afternoon playing The Sims 3, which was freakin' awesome. Then the rest of the night screaming my lungs out at Karaoke, which was also awesome. I think I've found my new talent. Karaoke! Haha.

Tried new things, did old things, put new twists to old things.

Oh, rambling I am!

All I know is I can't wait for the rest of today!

Spending my days with you just gets better and better.

Hanging By A Moment.

2009-08-12T05:10:00.002+08:00

I'm home and I'm happy. Today we finally got some time to ourselves and I realised how easy it was for everything to fall back into place, even though I was gone for a month. It was exactly what I remembered, maybe even better, but it felt so good, even if just for a little while. It felt like melting into each other, and I was so comfortable I actually fell asleep. With you.

I can't wait for Thursday, and how much more that will be.

I know it's gonna be so amazing.

It's moments like these that keep me holding on.

I know we're going to have many and it's all going to get better.

Breathing.

2009-08-08T00:41:00.003+08:00

"A mighty pain to love it is,

And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain."

~ Abraham Crowley.

I tried to be guarded, but I'm an open book. I completely put myself out there, just hoping, praying you don't hurt me anymore. I realised.. it will never stop hurting. I've gotten to the point I don't have the strength to try anymore. I'm so tired that I'm willing to just let this be another one of those things that I just have to get used to. I will not let you be my downfall.

It's been two years since I've touched my medication. I will not let this be the reason for me to relapse. I will not let myself become the person I used to be. No matter how much being me kills me right now, I have to take this a day at a time. Just keep breathing. It's all gonna be okay.

Some days are better than others, and it can only get better than today.

I feel like I haven't left my mind in days and I'm being suffocated by my own thoughts.

Where is the off switch for your heart and you brain?

I'm just so fucking exhausted.

Broken.

2009-08-06T19:55:00.002+08:00

I'm hangin' on another day,
Just to see what you will throw my way,
And I'm hanging on to the words you say,
You said that I will be okay.

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone,
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing,
With a broken heart that's still beating,
In the pain there is healing,
In your name I find meaning,
So I'm holdin' on.

In all this mess, you're the only thing that makes sense anymore. I can't wait to get home to you.

Just 4 more days!

Save Room.

2009-08-05T09:18:00.002+08:00

It's 9.18am and I still can't sleep. I have so much excess energy I need to go work it off later, somehow. I've been watching DVD's and checking on Restaurant City since he went to bed. Even managed to give him a wake up call at 7.30am. Not bad eh?

I fished out old DVD's to watch. The Sweetest Thing as well as Closer. Closer was putting me in such a bad mood, I had to watch something light to cheer me up. The fact that there are people who give the exact same excuses they did in that movie just absolutely pissed me off, like:

Dan: I fell in love with her, Alice.

Alice: Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it", and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one.

There is no such thing as not being able to control yourself. You can't help what or who you're attracted to, but it's your choice what action you take. If you already have someone, wouldn't the best thing to do is, oh. I don't know. Not get yourself deeper into it? Ugh. Excuses are always so pathetic. I honestly think I've heard them all. Nothing really surprises me anymore, I've murphy's law-ed all the possible excuses or situations that could occur. At least when you do that, you don't get disappointed for expecting too much, right? However, is cynicism better than disappointment? Hmmm.

Larry: I know who you are. I love you. I love everything about you that hurts.

Best line out of the whole movie, other than.. "I love you, and I need a piss".

Well, at least The Sweetest Thing cheered me up.

Christina: Don't go looking for Mr. Right. Look for Mr. Right Now and eventually, if he's worthy, that 'now' part will just drop right off, naturally.

At least I've found my Right Now. No guarantees about losing the 'Now', but we'll take it a day at a time. I think I'm ready to sleep now. It's 9.45am, but I'm feeling super cheery. I can't wait to go home to you! :)

Kiss With A Fist.

2009-08-05T00:48:00.004+08:00

I must watch The Time Traveler's Wife.
I must find a copy of that book and read it again before I watch it.

The story told is a test of love, and patience. It shows that love knows no boundaries and transcends time and death.

I am such a sucker for pretty words, and this book is full of them. I can't wait for the movie!

I've always fallen for guys who were good with their words. Guys who said the nicest, sweetest things to me that reassured me I was special to them. Kissed me on the hand and forehead, cuddled with me 'til I fell asleep, and still told me what I mean to them.

I'm used to receiving songs that reminded them of me, poetry, long letters and handmade cards. I'm used to being told that I am loved, because words mean so much more to me than action. I'm always more impressed with the things a guy can say than the things they do, because when it comes to doing things, I know they would never go as far as I would, so I leave myself to be impressed with their words.

Hmm. Okay, maybe that's why I get duped into relationships so easily. Gah.

But I loved having guys quote me things that they thought applied to us, I loved having words sung or written to me, I loved having a song, I loved having sweet nicknames. It's really in those little things that I am happiest in a relationship. Knowing that there's something just both of us share.

There are 5 different love languages. Some show love by giving gifts, some by spending time, some by physical touch, some by affirmation and words, some by service, as in doing things for the other person. I believe that a relationship needs a balance of all 5 of these, but people generally tend to lean towards one or two more than the other. Out of all those, I think speak the language of gifts and service, but I listen to the language of affirmation and physical touch (hehe!).

So, what's your love language?

Hmmm.

Game Of Love.

2009-08-04T19:52:00.007+08:00

"Love is whatever you make it to be,

Sunshine instead of this cold, lonely sea,

So please baby, try."

Are you trying?

Because I'm counting on you to.

Flicks.

2009-08-04T14:29:00.005+08:00

I realised I don't have any photos on this blog, and my layout is pretty monotone apart from the header.. which is.. boring in it's own way as well. I don't seem to have any flair for anything that isn't just simple and chic, and I love seeing layouts like Dayze's, so colourful and uber cute, but I can't for the life of me make ANYTHING cute. Ngee.

This is probably the closest thing I've had to colourful, initially it was black and white.. and red, for the company website. The layout is way too 90's, but I can't get Dreamweaver to work, and I'm close to being Photoshop illiterate when it comes to designing web layouts. I don't know, maybe if I get bored enough this week I'll watch some tutes and come up with something. MAH. Anyway, back to this picture, I rainbow gradient-ed it just so I can use it as my Adium display, because Adium is the only colourful thing I have right now. Sad.

I am so bored I think I'm gonna play Restaurant City again, for the bazillionth time today. It's only 2.30pm, I should still be sleeping.

***

How I wonder where you are.

Hmmm.

Liar! (It Takes One To Know One).

2009-08-01T18:46:00.002+08:00

Some days are really better than others, sadly today is not turning out to be one of the better ones. Being back home in KK is turning me into somewhat of a narcoleptic. This place is just too relaxing and I keep falling asleep at the most random hours. I've exfoliated so many times today out of boredom that I think my skin is peeling off. Ngee.

The highlight of my day, really was finding a really ugly picture of you on someone else's blog where your hair looked a mess and you kind of had a m0ustache. Extremely juvenile, but I dislike you so much I get amused seeing your flaws, even menial ones that just make it seem that you're ugly or have hygiene issues. Hahaha. God I feel so stupid, but your face is still stupider.

I seriously am starting to feel my brain cells die. I'm reading Year One jokes and I'm actually finding them funny. Plus, Jack Black = worst. Super gross, I say. Almost as bad as that guy who played Ben Stiller's best friend, Sandy, in Along Came Polly.

Saw something extremely ngeah on my MSN list just now. This girl honestly has learnt no lessons and just picks fights with anybody who's better than her (which means.. a lot of people), or is obviously very popular at the moment. Now, now honey. No need to be catty just because nobody cares about you. Your opinion is really not the be-all, end-all of people and status in KK. If I'm not mistaken, even you realised that.. you have no friends, so where does that put you? This goes the same to another person, who is a seriously gross narcissist.

I'm done.

I wonder where you are and what you're thinking of right now.

I'm totally thinking about you.

You're So Damn Hot.

2009-07-30T01:44:00.002+08:00

I'm going designer bag shopping when I go back to KL. I think mum feels bad for not taking me to Honolulu and San Francisco with them. I am absolutely defenseless against pretty handbags. I could spend hours in Marc Jacobs frolicking among the beautiful leather pieces. Gosh. I think I almost drooled a bit thinking about it.

I've got my eye on a few DKNY ones right now, which I hope are still there when I'm back, one of which a certain someone has suggested to buy for me, after hearing me bitch for an hour about my mom's designer bag spree in which she bought me.. NOTHING. A sweet thought, buns. We'll see when I get back. We'll go shopping! :)

I'm starting to like how much more designer savvy he's becoming. He suggested to me that I should get "that limited edition Prada", and I thought.. wait. Is he really telling me about the Fairy bag? Indeed, he was. I think my kesayangan level went up leaps and bounds right there. Blissful sighs. I have his Oakleys in my hands right now, and I can't wait to see how he's going to look in them. Loving how fabulous everything is right now.

Gosh this is getting to be such a wonderful time.

In The Waiting Line.

2009-07-28T21:24:00.002+08:00

Very rarely do I find the need to attack another person, lest they step into what I think is my territory or if they mess with something that is mine. It just angers me how people just don't know their limits. Is it complete bitchiness or pure stupid optimism that they think they can get away with it? I have no idea. I am territorial and extremely protective. You, my dear, are a pariah housecat to my lionness. While it's adorable how you try, your attempts at being classy fall a little short of even Hannah Montana chic. Your fashion sense is so 2001 it's not even funny. Honestly, has anyone even worn what you've been wearing since I was 12? It's not cool to look like a pre-teen when you're in your early 20's.

Tsk.

Seriously. Back the fuck up to wherever you came from. If you attempt to cross me again, I will seriously not hesitate to beat the fucking shit out of you, do not even try me. You do not know me or what I am capable of.

That's all.

These Walls.

2009-07-27T22:07:00.005+08:00

When I was younger, I'd always ask for things. Sometimes I get them, sometimes I don't and sometimes I'm told that it's not the right time- and that I needed to wait. So of course, at that moment I wouldn't understand and I'd throw the greatest of tantrums my little elementary-schooled self could muster.

As I grew older, I learnt the lesson of timing. Sometimes you want something, and you get it. But it's just not the right time. In the end, things turn out worse and more heartbreaking than to have not gotten it in the first place. Sometimes you're not ready for it, and sometimes it's just not ready for you.

I thought of a guy I used to be seeing who told me things tonight that I had never expected to hear from him and had these things been said a couple of months ago, it would have changed everything. We would have still been together.

I realised, It's the same with people, the same with relationships. It's about timing and circumstance. Everything in the world may feel right, but the timing and circumstance is just all wrong. As much as you'd like to make it all work, It just doesn't because you're not ready for each other. You force it and you break it, leaving bridges burnt.

The best thing you can do is leave them in the hands of someone who can care for them and love them, and hope that time heals everything and that love is on your side. We were broken but I know time can heal this. I hope like hell she takes care of you how I would, and when it's time for us, she will know. I loved you before and I can love you again, if it's meant for us.. our paths will cross again. If it's not and our moment has passed, then this is goodbye and I wish you all the love and happiness in the world. There's always the memories, and we have lost absolutely nothing.

For now, I'm happy with who I'm with and who I love. I wish only the same for you. Smile knowing that we were special, we were something, in one moment in time.

He is my right now, regardless of the situation we're in.

I just pray you understand.

Gone.

2009-07-26T03:56:00.002+08:00

This year is certainly starting to become a very strange one. While the arts are especially thriving, 2009 seems to be taking a lot of great artists. First, Michael Jackson and now, Yasmin Ahmad. I for one think the year has taken enough. Both still had so much to share with the world, it's no wonder why people are so affected.

A person, I wouldn't call my friend, made a statement, "It's just another person dying, who cares. Everyone dies, get over it. People only make a big deal because the person was famous". I thought that was a hideous thing to say, regardless of how "overrated" you think this person was and really, just because not as many people would care if you died, doesn't mean you get to be an a-hole about it.

R.I.P Yasmin Ahmad.

***

On an unrelated note,

I wonder what's happened. Hmm. Can't say I'm not happy about it. It's really about time. Can't say you didn't have it coming either.

Untouched.

2009-07-25T08:00:00.003+08:00

While going through my little Mac-cleaning frenzy, I accidentally deleted the folder with all my desktop backgrounds. GAH! Now I have to re-do all my backgrounds, so I shall settle for a simple one for now that took.. like 3 minutes to make. Ngeh.

take this sinking boat and point it home, we've still got time. <3

*kicks self*

It's 8am and I have not gone to sleep yet. My brain is refusing to shut down even though I'm so tired I can't move. Ugh. This cannot be good for me. It's making me feel so incredibly angsty. It does not help that listening to The Veronicas' Untouched makes me want to go outside and run around.

It's unbelievably sunny here though.

Finally a good day to go tanning!

Okay. Must sleep.

Guh.

Strangers.

2009-07-24T20:05:00.002+08:00

I don't particularly like Grey's Anatomy, only the Izzy/Karev subplot, but a friend of mine who's crazy Grey's just sent me a quote from the show. I was speaking to her about a particular situation I'm in right now, and I felt somehow that I was wearing myself thin, ramming into walls, asking questions that don't need to be answered, at least not now.

The biggest question of all, however, was:

Why am I still here? Why are we still trying?

and POOF.

A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

I'm glad we're going to work things through, because crazy as this situation drives me, I'd rather be with you than without you. We can't possibly throw away now all the things we've worked so hard for. If this doesn't work, then I'd be wrong about you and we all know how much I hate being wrong.

***

On another note, I think I feel the way I do about you because you are so similar to me. That's the dangerous part, because now it's just down to who does it better.

Feeling This.

2009-07-24T06:24:00.003+08:00

I wish I had it in me to love myself as much as I let myself love other people.

To an extent, I let myself believe that people are jerks because I'm not good enough but then I realised, could it be that people are jerks simply because.. they're jerks? That maybe, no matter how good I can be, people are still going to hurt me simply because they're other people and they won't look out for me as I do for them. I'd rather believe that I'm the one who needs a change. That I can be better than who I am today.

I'm not ready to lose faith in people.

I'm not ready to be jaded.

I know you may not be mine to keep, and that you are may be just a passerby, but I still believe we have so much to learn from each other, and I still have so much to give you. We are here with each other at this point in time for a reason and I believe that whatever it is, we're not done. Not even close.

I still believe in you.

Everything I Can't Have.

2009-07-24T03:28:00.002+08:00

It's not a silly little moment,
It's not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on.

Can't seem to hold you like I want to,
So I can feel you in my arms.
Nobody's gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

I was the one you always dreamed of,
You were the one I tried to draw.
How dare you say it's nothing to me?
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw.

I'll make the most of all the sadness,
You'll be a bitch because you can.
You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand.

Go cry about it - why don't you?

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room.

Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?

***

Please tell me that all this wasn't for nothing. Please tell me we didn't work through so much for nothing. Please tell me the tears weren't for nothing. Please tell me the heartaches weren't for nothing. Please tell me we didn't fight so hard for nothing.

Please tell me this is something.

For once in your life, speak up and tell me.

The Heart Of Life.

2009-07-21T17:40:00.004+08:00

The War Of Times.

I have no questions about the past, because what's done has been done and it has made us who we are today. For better or for worse, the past has made us. The worst that the past can do is haunt us, but in time we manage to find strength to overcome it all.

What I loathe is the future. It's always a few steps away, always calling and always giving you hope. Always giving you anxiety for nothing. It makes you imagine what's to come and forget your present and what you need to do now. I hate the people who trust in the future, for they are fools. The future gives you no promises, it gives you no guarantees. For now, it's all your imagination. It's all in your head.

A failed future can hurt you in ways you cannot imagine, for you don't know how to get over the hurt. No one can ever tell you "It's not that bad", because it didn't even happen. You wouldn't even know. You spend the rest of your days asking.. "What If?"

What fools forget is that the present always has the power to change the future.

You have no idea what I'm capable of doing, do you?

I am the present and I am here with a vengeance.

And you, dear future, are going to disintegrate.

Because in the end you realize, there is no such thing as the future. It is all thought, it is all concept.

It is nothing.

***

If I hadn't worried so much about the future, I would have had a happier present. I would have lived to love the present. I would have done what was needed of me all along. How could I have let the thoughts of what I wanted to be stop me from doing the things that would help me become who I am supposed to be?

From now on, I'm living the day.

The future can shove it.

Better In Time.

2009-07-20T20:14:00.003+08:00

Some things will never heal in time and I think it's time I understand.

Don't Look Away.

2009-07-20T02:28:00.002+08:00

I was going through my old CD's and DVD's today, and found a VCD version of Alice in Wonderland that was released in 1999 starring Tina Marjorino, also known as that girl in Napoleon Dynamite with.. the puffy sleeves. That, to date, has been my favourite version of Alice in Wonderland, ever. I am going to bake myself a molten chocolate cake tomorrow, and eat it while I watch. Hoo-rah!

On a related note, I am rather excited for Tim Burton's version of Alice in Wonderland that's coming out next year, and people who know me know that I absolutely love Tim Burton, hands down my absolute favourite Virgo, but I've loved a lot of his movies, especially the movie Big Fish. I have seriously watched that movie 14 times and I could watch it over and over again. Suffice to say, a lot of my writing and story telling is inspired by him and of course Neil Gaiman. Let's not get into that. I'm not too hot on Johnny Depp though, while he is a great actor, I've never seen his appeal. Wonderful Gemini/Virgo pairings though, him, Tim and Helena Bonham Carter. Amazing, really. Okay. I'm shutting up now. I'm rambling.

I'm gonna have a movie marathon tomorrow with all my favourite movies, after having fantastic Northern Indian food. Yum.

If I Told You This Was Killing Me, Would You Stop?

2009-07-19T23:29:00.004+08:00

I am so fed up of your selfishness. Every time I think that I've gotten through to you, you prove me wrong in a matter of days. I was in such a dangerous situation last night, and the only reason you were remotely nice to me was because you were drunk. I spent half the day today sleeping and passing out in the middle of doing things because I still felt so sick from last night, and you used the excuse of being hungover to act like you don't give a shit. I still went out of my way despite how I felt to be good to you and to be nice to you.

What sort of responses were you giving me?

Did you ask how I was feeling at all throughout the day? No. Did you care if I was feeling alright? No. Did you care to at least try cheer me up knowing I had a rough night? No.

I did all those things and I am worse off than you, and I did not use any of it an excuse to show you attitude. Now you ask, what's wrong with me?

Well, what's wrong with you? Is there no selfless bone in your body? Is there no care in there at all? Is the only person you care about yourself?

Honestly, I think if this had happened to her, you would have acted differently. I don't think you would be this nonchalant. Just because I can take care of myself, gives you no excuse to not give a shit. Did you even know that I spent half the day throwing up because there was so much poison in my system? Did you know that? No. Because you just wanted to show me how tired and hungover you were without regarding me at all. How would I have told you anything that way?

You know all sorts of things about me that put me in dangerous health situations, especially when added with something like last night. But did you even show that you cared? Did it even occur to you? Not at all.

So really, what's wrong with me?

You tell me.

I Wish You Were Here.

2009-07-17T21:16:00.003+08:00

I'm home on a Friday night, wondering where to go later. I was just at a new bar and had a few sips of Leffe, this sweet Belgian beer.. or ale. Whatever. I'm too lazy to type anything remotely interesting right now so I'm just going to blab on about my extremely uninteresting night.

.. actually, it's so uninteresting I don't have any more to say about it.

Let's hope the night gets better, I'm forcing myself out of bed even though I feel like I've been hit by a ton of bricks. Or feathers. Or sausages. Or whatever. They're all the same, they all weigh a ton and I'm sure they're all equally painful.

It's raining outside and I wish you were here to cuddle with.

Fuck.

Four Seasons.

2009-07-16T11:34:00.005+08:00

"Why is it snowing in August?", the Earth asked the Sky. "What's happened with the Seasons to bring upon such unprediction?". The sky smiled and glimmered at the Earth. "My daughter, let me tell you of a tale, how do they say? Once upon a time.."

Neiva.

Neiva was the name of winter. Pecking the lips and noses of all that passed her, whispering her love for them. Though many frolicked in the white of her satin, none found comfort in her cold. Lonely was the cry of Neiva, her tears staining sidewalks, pooling into lakes of ice. For a moment few would glide on her sadness, and snowflakes fell from her laughter, she watched as they caught her joy in their mittens and tasted them on their tongues. Happiness was fleeting for Neiva, for when the night came, soon she was alone again. Never did anyone stay, though many liked the cold, no one ever loved it. Neiva was all that they knew in some parts of the world, but miserable was their existences being trapped living in such conditions.

Neiva was the name of winter, but all winter was, was a girl.

Ciro.

Ciro was the heat of summer. Bright and valiant, and loved. Adored was his arrival for what followed him meant the end of the days of ice. The cold melted in his fingertips and the ocean no longer crashed icy into the shore. In some parts of the world, the only season people knew was Ciro. Everyone welcomed him and danced in the rays of his smile. Pale bodies laid out on the earth and sand, waiting for Ciro to make them beautiful and bronzen. No one could ever get too close, no matter how much they loved the summer. For Ciro was also the Sun, and everyone knows what happens if you get too close.

Ciro was the name of summer, but all summer was, was a boy.

"Little did anyone know of the story of Neiva and Ciro. For one was the heat, and the other the cold. Opposites were they in every way, but somehow had they found each other. They met in the heavens in celebration of Luna's birthday, to which you, my dear Earth, know as the Lunar New Year." explained the Sky.

The Seasons Meet.

Neiva sat alone, most shying away from her cold. Some smiled and greeted her but would quickly walk by. She sighed and toyed with the icicles she made with her fingers, crushing them into fine shards and sprinkling them before her, watching it all disappear. Bored. Neiva was always bored.

She felt a tingle as a strong hand rested on her shoulder. She looked up and saw the adonis that was Ciro. "May I have this dance?", he said. His touch had melted away her sleeve, and water ran down her arm, but she did not care for this was the closest anyone had ever been. A concerto soon begun and they fell into a delicate minuet. His fire faltered from her touch and water trickled into his hands, but he did not care. For right now, she was the closest to him in the universe. Among the stars they danced and laughed, each making the other fade slowly away. Despite their differences, they knew they were the same. They were seasons.

"But they would have killed each other!" exclaimed the frightened Earth,

"Precisely." nodded the knowing Sky.

The Gods had sent Aspen and Anthea, the seasons of Autumn and Spring to pull them apart. Both were moderate Seasons that did not share the extremes of the other two. Angered by the interruption, Neiva had clawed Anthea across her chest, leaving traces of the cold in her flowers and Aspen, was struck across the head by Ciro, causing his head of leaves to fall burnt to the ground. It was the battle of the seasons.

"So this is why Spring is chilly, and Autumn leaves are the colour of the sun!" cried the Earth,

The Sky just smiled once again.

Neiva and Ciro ran for they had angered the Gods. Happy as they were, they were never meant to be. They ran across the days of time, hand in hand, taking each step as they came until finally, time had run out of days for them and the Gods caught up. They were banished forever to guard opposite chambers of the daughter of the Sky, never to meet, separated by Aspen and Anthea who would make sure their paths never crossed again. They would always be able to see each other, but could never touch. Centuries later, Ciro fell in love with Anthea and Neiva found her comfort in Aspen. Never though would the two seasons forget, their encounter in the heavens.

"That is why, my darling Earth, Winter is always friendlier when she sees the sunshine, and once in awhile, it snows in the Summer."

The snow in the Summer, is Neiva's message to Ciro, to tell him that she will never forget his touch, his face and his smile. And she knows, that wherever he is, he is happy, because once in awhile, she catches a glimpse of the sunshine.

***

No matter what happens to us, you're always going to be special to me.

All Again For You.

2009-07-15T14:31:00.005+08:00

"You'll never sing to me again",

Said the girl to the wind,

"Ever-changing, ever-passing,

You swept by soon as you'd begin,

You left a trail of leaves for me,

But withered all were they,

Soon as you left your mess to clean,

Was soon as you'd blow away."

The wind blew back a breeze,

To waltz with her dress's lace,

Soon as the dance was over,

A tear rolled down her face.

"You'll never dance with me again",

Said the girl to the wind,

"Ever-winding, Ever-raging,

You rushed by across the bend,

Swept away before the curtsy,

To tango with another skirt,

Who couldn't even love you as I did,

But you didn't care how much it hurt."

Now all she hears are echoes,

Of how the wind used to love,

Of the things it used to whisper,

Of the things it told her of.

"You'll never hurt me again",

Said the girl to the wind,

"Ever-cheating, ever-lying,

Deceiting harlequin,

Your columbine's a fraud,

And your actions are weak,

It was your words that loved me,

It was the things you'd speak."

In a flurry of anger she burst into flames, violent, thrashing and hungry. Stretching beyond the borders of nations in search of the wind's new columbine, never resting until every last bit of her was devoured and spit out, charred and ugly to the ground. Unknowingly the wind blew her away, and no longer did she exist. The fire simmered into ashes and from it, rose the phoenix, coloured crimson by its love, streaked gold for its loyalty and eyes black from its vengeance. Lightly it frolicked in the wind, letting its colours dance and trickle along the breeze and a new song did the wind sing, for now he will never be alone.

***

You changed your song to me because you could sing it sweeter to someone else. I wonder what you'll realise once I say to you what I'm going to.

In This Diary.

2009-07-12T14:12:00.003+08:00

It's time you get to know your place,

You vapid, insignificant, waste of space,

Your innocence is your veneer,

But heed the words you're about to hear,

I see through the pastels and floral prints,

I saw right through your "subtle" hints,

The coy play of words and shameless flirts,

Aces hidden in your skirts,

You played your hand and reeled him in,

Gleeful of the prize you'd win,

But this is far from being over,

You've underestimated the other player.

Care to call my bluff?

***

Mmm. It's good to be home. Ngiu Chap for breakfast, and then off to relax at Sutera later. I've been spending my time playing with my dog, I didn't realize I've missed my ball of fluff so much. Many people to see, many things to do. I love it. Would be just perfect if you were here.

Random: While enjoying my bowl of cow, I heard a quacking from my backyard. It was a duck, and I had the strangest, strongest, urge to kick it. I guess that's what I feel about you, interrupting me. Keep quacking lah, snap off your beak then you know.

Crawling Towards The Sun.

2009-07-11T01:43:00.003+08:00

Crawl?

More like skip frantically into the sunshine, roll around in the sand and splash into the ocean. There's no other like KK, and we all know it. I don't think there's anyone I know who doesn't love going home, no matter where in the world they are. I seriously can't wait to see everyone.

Well, almost everyone.

I got so excited opening up the package Jon's Macbook Pro arrived in, I kind of want to order something too. Come on, iMac! He just watched in disinterest as I tore open the box and just started tearing everything apart. This makes me excited to get aaaall my presents on my birthday.

HINT!

I've been so happy lately that I feel a little heavy-hearted to go home. Just a little. But still, I'm gonna miss you mostest. You know who you are, and no, I will not forget to text you once I arrive. I'll miss the hugs and cuddles, but I'll be back in no time!

.. I think?

;)

edit:

Packing makes me sad. I miss you already.

I think I'll be back sooner than I intend.

Somebody Told Me.

2009-07-09T23:59:00.003+08:00

A girl I went to high school with for a few years made a statement that if you have not gone to a private high school overseas, you are poor.

I say there's something in the water in Australia that's making people insane.

Smile.

2009-07-09T04:10:00.003+08:00

I've realised that the skincare I've gotten a month ago from The Natural Source is absolute shit. The moisturizer goes dry and sticky after a few seconds and the facewash just dries out your face. Ugh. I should have probably just stuck with good old Clinique or Mukti. Mukti has got to be the only good thing that's ever come out of Queensland. Come to think about it, there are pretty much only two people in the whole damned state that I actually like, the rest.. are douches.

On another note, I'm excited to go home to KK. I'll be confirmed away from the ~~12th~~ 11th - 25th. That's a good two weeks if I don't decide to extend my stay. Two weeks of pure unadulterated pampering myself. Spa, tanning, great food, salon, manicures, pedicures.. pretty much living in Sutera. JOY!

Back to watching South Park.

Good luck on your day today, buns.

*Sayangs you much*.

edit:

WOZUSS. I would've missed my flight if I didn't check my itinerary again! I wonder why I was so convinced I was leaving Sunday. Somehow everything feels off tangent now. It actually hits when you suddenly have one day less. I never knew it would.

Comfortable.

2009-07-07T02:50:00.002+08:00

I'm trying to type this with you snoring and drooling on my shoulder.

Please note:

I do not like you burping at me,

Neither do I like you farting in my bed.

And no, I will not smell your armpit.

Ew.

But you know what?

I've never been this comfortable with anyone's grossness before.

Go on, feel special.

The Bitch Of Living.

2009-07-04T02:21:00.002+08:00

Safari4 has got to be the sexiest browser I've ever used. It is sleek, and has pretty shiny things that keep me super distracted. You can browse through your history in a coverflow manner, and your top visited sites are laid out for you every time you open up a new tab. Awesome.

I'd post pictures, but I'm tired and lazy.

So just go check it out at Apple!

I'm going to go into a vegetative state now and watch 90210. I refused to watch it before solely because Annalynne McCord looked seriously BLAH, but after being stuck home with nothing to do, I've been on a 90210 rampage. Whoever else watches it, I think Annie is a ho-bag. There are certain girls I know of who are just like her, pretending to be sugar-sweet and feigning innocence but would pretty much sink bend over backwards, legs-wide-open for any guy who gives them a second thought, and I think they are deserving of barb-wired poon slaps. Seriously. Ew.

***

My friends got kicked out of the club they were in because they boo-ed the DJ. Man, I wish I was there to see all that happen. Funny people, they are. Cranky person, I was.

90210, I watch.

Hell yeah.

BYE!

I Want You Back.

2009-07-01T00:13:00.002+08:00

Listening to the Jackson 5 is wonderful. It puts me in such a happy mood!

The past few days have been bliss, really. Full of hugs and laughter. You know someone's become an integral part of your life when you spend all day with them and still end up at home on the phone with them for the next four hours or talking and cuddling until ungodly hours of the morning. Things are getting better, and I'm happy that they are. I really wonder though if it's all going to last, once I go back home, or will things fall apart again?

On a random note, some of us are getting our flu shots tomorrow, people around us have been getting contracting the virus. Eep!

Hmm. Time for sleep. Long day of being stuck at home tomorrow. Sigh.

Goodnight, world!

I'll Follow You Into The Dark.

2009-06-27T03:30:00.005+08:00

Urbanscapes today from 12pm-12am! What we've been anticipating for the whole freakin' month! I'm still up cutting up my t-shirt, yes. Cutting it up. I was inspired by t-shirt surgery on LJ. T-shirts are so unlike me. I never wear them. I feel somewhat suffocated with round-necks, and fact: chubby, busty girls, AVOID round neck t-shirts at all costs!

.. I STILL can't believe Michael Jackson is dead.

P.S: I can't wait to move in with you! It'll be awesome!

***

Crashed and crushed along the road,

A sinister feeling we could not forebode,

No one saw the wicked bend,

That sent us reeling to our end,

Tarmac heat and gnashing teeth,

My love to you do I bequeath,

Before this takes its dying breath,

How did we come to sudden death?

You were always my car-crash romance.

Scarred and broken, you left me.

But you're so God damned beautiful that I wish you well.

***

Did that hurt?

No?

It will soon.

I'll make sure it does, and when you least expect it.

Heal The World.

2009-06-26T12:43:00.002+08:00

R.I.P Michael Jackson,

You were legendary.

***

I remember it was just a week or so ago Jon and I were talking about who we'd have wanted to see live in concert in this lifetime. Michael Jackson was definitely my top one. I shall never have this dream come true.

Pusherman.

2009-06-26T00:08:00.002+08:00

Pfft.

Passive aggressive bullshit.

I'm out.

We both agreed, It's none of your business anyway.

***

I've had a good but exhausting past two days, first of all.. Good luck, Paul with Mt. Elbrus! 17 year old conquering the highest peak in Europe. You make me feel like a failure in life. When I was 17, I was sleeping at the back of the classroom, not seeing the world from tops of mountains and underwater. Inkdetta looks forward to working with you when you're back!

Urbanscapes this Saturday will be absolutely fantastic. Can't wait to check out the marketplace and burn some serious cash. I think I deserve it after these few weeks of blah-ness. T-shirts are in and they are fantastic!

Here's a little something I picked up from checking up who Kierkegaard really is. I've known this name for being a Danish philosopher, but not really known what sort of stuff he wrote. Here's a little quote from him, I'm trying to find out which book/journal/work this is from.

Never cease loving a person, and never give up hope for him, for even the prodigal son who had fallen most low, could still be saved; the bitterest enemy and also he who was your friend could again be your friend; love that has grown cold can kindle.

It probably sounded better in Danish, but you get the idea. It's pretty good stuff. For now, I will continue reading Neil Gaiman's Fragile Things until my mind finds something else to devour. I still have two copies of Time magazine outside but just haven't found the time to read it all.

Mmm.

What I wouldn't give for more time.

Home in 16 days! Can't wait.

Try not to be too miserable without me.

MUAHAHA.

;)

Like a Star.

2009-06-25T12:46:00.003+08:00

You're bent on making things better, but I don't see the point. I tried again to walk away but you didn't want to let me go. You promised you'd start to treat me better, do you even know how? Why make me stay if in the end, you're going to fail me? Things were getting better, but that little crack in the trust can bring everything crumbling down again.

I guess we'll take this a day at a time.

I'll keep trying if you do.

P.S: And to you? I knew you're the kind who doesn't know how to do your own dirty work. Why not you realise you're not as important as you or your friends think? Hmm. I bet the thought has never occurred, especially to your bullheaded counterpart. Tsk.

***

This is fair game and if you have a problem, take it up with him because I didn't force him to stay.

Best Of You.

2009-06-23T01:32:00.002+08:00

"Is someone getting the best of you?"

When two people have been through as much as we have, the rules change. You unlearn everything you thought you knew and you sit dumbfounded at the revelation of having any train of thought other than the one you knew. The tables turn, the roles change, the perspectives warp. You're left sitting there thinking, "Okay. Now what?"

And, I don't know really, because we live our lives like everything's okay, but in truth, it's all broken. Every single bit of it but one aspect. Like you said, what irony right? It really is the only thing that's keeping me from walking away for good. It's the only part of you I truly like anymore.

I don't know if that's really as sad as I think it is, because on the surface, everything seems fine.

Maybe I shouldn't be asking for more.