Hate Me.

Sometimes all you've got still isn't enough to get you where you want to be. I'm putting everything I can into this, but maybe it's too much for what little I get in return. Love is selfless, but is this enough to keep me from burning out? It's a wrenching sort of heart-torn-out feeling, the ground beneath you collapses and you're falling, anticipating the hit. The impact. The end. You don't know how far the earth beneath you goes, and how hollow it really is until you hit rock bottom. The anxiety eats at you. It kills you. It hurts.

Suck it up, and soldier on. Hope is the only thing keeping me going, but I've learnt not to keep my hopes up. Even the tiniest glimmer of assurance that this isn't all for nothing will be enough. I've never been good at sharing, and I've never been good at putting others before me.

But I've never been good at failing or taking no for an answer. The inner conflict is overwhelming. I don't even know what to do with myself. I know I'm happier with you, but it hurts so fucking much not knowing. I hate not knowing. I hate surprises, and to date.. all the surprises that I've been handed, hurt me more than anything.

You are the darkness, you are the unfamiliar, you are not someone I'd take a chance on, you are not anything like what I'd feel safe with. You are a gamble and it scares the hell out of me taking this risk. The fear of getting myself hurt consumes me, but the part of me that is still so fresh, so curious, that is still wanting to be proven wrong about my views on love and life, defies the parts of me that are jaded and cynical from all my past hurts. All my disappointments. I don't want to feel any of that again.

But It's too soon for me to become so cold.

I still want to believe.

I still want something to hope for.

I really do.

I want to be this happy with someone who actually wants to be happy with me.

I will never accept being second to anything or anyone.

Hush, Hush.

I spent most of my afternoon playing The Sims 3, which was freakin' awesome. Then the rest of the night screaming my lungs out at Karaoke, which was also awesome. I think I've found my new talent. Karaoke! Haha.

Tried new things, did old things, put new twists to old things.

Oh, rambling I am!

All I know is I can't wait for the rest of today!

Breathing.

"A mighty pain to love it is,

And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;

But of all pains, the greatest pain

It is to love, but love in vain."

~ Abraham Crowley.

I tried to be guarded, but I'm an open book. I completely put myself out there, just hoping, praying you don't hurt me anymore. I realised.. it will never stop hurting. I've gotten to the point I don't have the strength to try anymore. I'm so tired that I'm willing to just let this be another one of those things that I just have to get used to. I will not let you be my downfall.

Some days are better than others, and it can only get better than today.

I feel like I haven't left my mind in days and I'm being suffocated by my own thoughts.

Where is the off switch for your heart and you brain?

I'm just so fucking exhausted.

Broken.

I'm hangin' on another day,

Just to see what you will throw my way,

And I'm hanging on to the words you say,

You said that I will be okay.

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone,

I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing,

With a broken heart that's still beating,

In the pain there is healing,

In your name I find meaning,

So I'm holdin' on.

In all this mess, you're the only thing that makes sense anymore.

Save Room.

It's 9.18am and I still can't sleep. I have so much excess energy I need to go work it off later, somehow. I've been watching DVD's and checking on Restaurant City since he went to bed. Even managed to give him a wake up call at 7.30am. Not bad eh?

I fished out old DVD's to watch. The Sweetest Thing as well as Closer. Closer was putting me in such a bad mood, I had to watch something light to cheer me up. The fact that there are people who give the exact same excuses they did in that movie just absolutely pissed me off, like:

Dan: I fell in love with her, Alice.

Alice: Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it", and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one.

There is no such thing as not being able to control yourself. You can't help what or who you're attracted to, but it's your choice what action you take. If you already have someone, wouldn't the best thing to do is, oh. I don't know. Not get yourself deeper into it? Ugh. Excuses are always so pathetic. I honestly think I've heard them all. Nothing really surprises me anymore, I've murphy's law-ed all the possible excuses or situations that could occur. At least when you do that, you don't get disappointed for expecting too much, right? However, is cynicism better than disappointment? Hmmm.

Larry: I know who you are. I love you. I love everything about you that hurts.

Best line out of the whole movie, other than.. "I love you, and I need a piss".

Well, at least The Sweetest Thing cheered me up.

Christina: Don't go looking for Mr. Right. Look for Mr. Right Now and eventually, if he's worthy, that 'now' part will just drop right off, naturally.

Kiss With A Fist.

I must watch The Time Traveler's Wife.
I must find a copy of that book and read it again before I watch it.

The story told is a test of love, and patience. It shows that love knows no boundaries and transcends time and death.

I am such a sucker for pretty words, and this book is full of them. I can't wait for the movie!

I've always fallen for guys who were good with their words. Guys who said the nicest, sweetest things to me that reassured me I was special to them. Kissed me on the hand and forehead, cuddled with me 'til I fell asleep, and still told me what I mean to them.

I'm used to receiving songs that reminded them of me, poetry, long letters and handmade cards. I'm used to being told that I am loved, because words mean so much more to me than action. I'm always more impressed with the things a guy can say than the things they do, because when it comes to doing things, I know they would never go as far as I would, so I leave myself to be impressed with their words.

I loved having guys quote me things that they thought applied to us, I loved having words sung or written to me, I loved having a song, I loved having sweet nicknames. It's really in those little things that I am happiest in a relationship. Knowing that there's something just both of us share.

There are 5 different love languages. Some show love by giving gifts, some by spending time, some by physical touch, some by affirmation and words, some by service, as in doing things for the other person. I believe that a relationship needs a balance of all 5 of these, but people generally tend to lean towards one or two more than the other. Out of all those, I think speak the language of gifts and service, but I listen to the language of affirmation and physical touch.

What's your love language?

Game Of Love.

"Love is whatever you make it to be,

Sunshine instead of this cold, lonely sea,

So please baby, try."

Are you trying?

Because I'm counting on you to.

Flicks.

Sometimes I wish we could just stay like this.