Ignorance.

I keep asking myself if given the chance, would I want to do things right? I don't know, I really don't know. I'm happy with the way everything is now, but things will change. Things change tomorrow. After our last night together, everything is going to be different. I don't know if I like the thought of it. No, I don't like the thought of it at all.

There's no way to fight the inevitable. I have to just let this happen.
Maybe things will turn out for the best, even if it hurts just for a little while.

Better Off.

I wish you understood the damage you've done.

I wish you cared.

Satisfaction.

I don't care what happens after these 8 days anymore, because truth and karma will smack you in your unevenly powdered face soon enough. FYI, the skin on your face and neck don't match. Gross.

I will never ever let anyone diminish my importance ever again, and after these 8 days I am utterly and completely free. I honestly don't care that much anymore, but I'm just irritated that I might not get the last say, and that is kind of all that really matters.

After all, no drama queen leaves without a dramatic exit.

Absolutely.

I'm starting to think that maybe time is not enough. While time dulls the pain of most things, it heals nothing. Patience may be a virtue, but resilience is divinity. Resilience is the strength to pick yourself up and go back to living, it is not waiting around for yourself to forget. Resilience is the will to keep on loving when the world crushes your heart into dust and saying, "It's okay, I'll still try put it back together". Resilience is telling yourself it's okay to move on.

A lot of the time we forget that we are meant for more than being just being wanted by someone else. We let ourselves get stepped on and broken, because we forget what we're truly worth. We forget because each time someone changes their mind, we allow their decision to bear weight on our worlds. Since when did we hand over the reigns to our lives? Since when did it be okay to let some other person who doesn't even know you as well as yourself, decide whether or not you deserve to be happy?

In these 9 days, I will hug, kiss and love. I will experience the things that I promised myself to the next time I fell for another guy. I will live and love like life has never hurt me, and it will be the best 9 days I can muster. When she finally comes and it all falls apart, I will not let myself fall apart with it. I will keep myself together because I am more than "better than this", I am fucking awesome, and nobody will ever take that away from me.

"Sometimes life will kick you around, but sooner or later you realise you're not just a survivor. You're a warrior, and you're stronger than anything life throws your way." - OTH

Daydreamer.

The irony of Hallows eve,
The chosen for they to meet,
With cloaks of innocence and chivalry,
They disregard the lies beneath,
As poison finds way through their veins,
To interchange between met lips,
I hope this kiss is one of death,
So fate can soon eclipse,
What masqueraded as love so true,
With long-awaited reality,
That all was mere foolish hope,
Made beautiful with curiosity.


Desperate? I agree.
One can only dream to see the day where people aren't ridiculous anymore.

Starstrukk.

today i drove alone.

at a stop light,

i thought about you.

who you used to be and who you are now,

i thought about who i thought you were,

i thought about who you really are.

i thought about how i'd thought to myself,

"this is a boy i could never fight with"

and,

"this is a boy who won't hurt me for a change".

i thought about how wrong i was.

i thought about me.

who i used to be and who i am now,

i thought about why i never seemed to be good enough,

i thought about how i'm going to start all over again,

i thought about how i told myself,

"this time i'm going to make it work",

and,

"this time i'm not going to run away".

i thought about how i had failed.

in 15 seconds,

i had thought of the most painful 7 months i've ever been through.

7 months of hurt,

7 months of being tossed around,

7 months of breaking myself apart,

7 months of wasted love.

in the next 15 seconds,

i thought of the next 2 weeks,

and how it will finally be the end.

i'd always thought it'd be easier to let go,

of something that's caused me so much grief.

but in 7 months,

this life has become all i know,

and no matter how painful it is,

i've grown used to it,

and even change for the better,

it terrifies me to no end.

losing a routine is terrifying,

no matter how bad that routine was for you.

nobody likes having to figure things out all over again.

30 seconds passed,

and before the lights had even turned green,

i figured out all that i needed to,

and i realised what it was that i really had to do.

my head tells me to soldier up,

but my heart tells me to remain hopeful for the better.

it's impossible to function when seething with so much inner conflict.

after these 2 weeks,

maybe this silence is as good as it gets,

maybe this solitude is all i will have,

maybe i will go back to being alone,

but maybe.. just maybe.

it will all be enough,

and i'll finally find peace.

for now,

i'll just keep driving.

maybe finally, i'll end up somewhere.

just maybe.

***

Just something I put up on my notes on Facebook. Thought I'd post it here as well. My mind is probably going to go into overdrive for the next two weeks. It feels somewhat like there's just not enough time to figure things out, but this is all we have. I promised to live the next two weeks like she doesn't exist, but somehow it's getting a little difficult. I sometimes wish she'd acknowledge herself as a part in this so it gives me all a reason, but then again that's just wishful thinking.

It's all thought.

Everything's always just thought.

I've learned not to find reasons to justify love and hate.

Some feelings are unjustifiable.