Starstrukk.

today i drove alone.

at a stop light,

i thought about you.

who you used to be and who you are now,

i thought about who i thought you were,

i thought about who you really are.

i thought about how i'd thought to myself,

"this is a boy i could never fight with"

and,

"this is a boy who won't hurt me for a change".

i thought about how wrong i was.

i thought about me.

who i used to be and who i am now,

i thought about why i never seemed to be good enough,

i thought about how i'm going to start all over again,

i thought about how i told myself,

"this time i'm going to make it work",

and,

"this time i'm not going to run away".

i thought about how i had failed.

in 15 seconds,

i had thought of the most painful 7 months i've ever been through.

7 months of hurt,

7 months of being tossed around,

7 months of breaking myself apart,

7 months of wasted love.

in the next 15 seconds,

i thought of the next 2 weeks,

and how it will finally be the end.

i'd always thought it'd be easier to let go,

of something that's caused me so much grief.

but in 7 months,

this life has become all i know,

and no matter how painful it is,

i've grown used to it,

and even change for the better,

it terrifies me to no end.

losing a routine is terrifying,

no matter how bad that routine was for you.

nobody likes having to figure things out all over again.

30 seconds passed,

and before the lights had even turned green,

i figured out all that i needed to,

and i realised what it was that i really had to do.

my head tells me to soldier up,

but my heart tells me to remain hopeful for the better.

it's impossible to function when seething with so much inner conflict.

after these 2 weeks,

maybe this silence is as good as it gets,

maybe this solitude is all i will have,

maybe i will go back to being alone,

but maybe.. just maybe.

it will all be enough,

and i'll finally find peace.

for now,

i'll just keep driving.

maybe finally, i'll end up somewhere.

just maybe.

***

Just something I put up on my notes on Facebook. Thought I'd post it here as well. My mind is probably going to go into overdrive for the next two weeks. It feels somewhat like there's just not enough time to figure things out, but this is all we have. I promised to live the next two weeks like she doesn't exist, but somehow it's getting a little difficult. I sometimes wish she'd acknowledge herself as a part in this so it gives me all a reason, but then again that's just wishful thinking.

It's all thought.

Everything's always just thought.

I've learned not to find reasons to justify love and hate.

Some feelings are unjustifiable.