Another night that I can tell will be a sleepless one. It's too warm in this bed yet kicking off the covers makes it too damn cold. The "just right" seems to be so god damn elusive. First world problems, huh? I've tried to toss and turn myself to exhaustion for the past hour and a half but to no avail. I still lie awake with my thoughts and fears for company. Miserable companions they are, I must say.
I feel that I should be sedated because these fears I have are completely irrational. I fear my father leaving me behind, but he had already done so a long time ago. I was happy when we met, it felt like a part of myself I had not known, that was hidden in my memory was found again. Alas, like all men in my life, he left again. This time I wasn't too young to not wonder why, this time I didn't have the luxury of not thinking.. "Perhaps I wasn't worth staying around for. Perhaps I'm not the daughter he wanted." I see the photographs of him with my half brother, his girlfriend. They seem happy. He seems happy to embrace someone who is not his own, but what happened when it came to me? The question is rhetoric, because I already know why.
Why am I afraid of things that I already have the answer for, or the things that have already happened? How could the fears of the past translate to the present? I guess haunting is not just for angry spirits or poltergeists, but for your greatest fears and your darkest thoughts. They creep into your psyche and cause your sanity to fester, until once again you're consumed by the dank, the dirty, the deadbeat dad.
I know that when faced, I will just smile and laugh like I have nothing to hide, and I don't, really. I am far from still waters, so nobody really knows how deep these thoughts run. A minute ago, I was thinking of what I wanted to have for lunch tomorrow, so I'm pretty sure I don't either.
This mind has lost itself.
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