What I Want.

I was talking to my uncle about the last "relationship" I was in. What happened, how it unfolded and why. I felt such anger talking about it because of how unfair it felt being in my position, while he just went off with another girl. Given, I've been angry about this situation for awhile now, but it wasn't until then when I was telling this friend everything that I finally broke completely apart. I told him how I felt like I wasn't good enough, I told him how I felt helpless, I told him how I felt I did not deserve to be in this position and I did not deserve to feel this way, while he went on to all that undeserved happiness for all he's done and for all the lies he's told. I didn't care whose feelings I hurt at that moment, I didn't care to spare any names, I didn't care to hide anything. I just hated everything. I just let it all out. I was a mess.

"So let me get this straight. You stuck around with a guy who lied to you for months, and he ended up being a cheat and a sham. You were seriously surprised?"

I kept quiet for awhile. I told him that it wasn't that I was surprised, but that I had expected more from him. That I believed in him. That I always wanted to believe in the better, even though I knew that wasn't how it was going to play out. I've been told, and I do acknowledge, that I am a very perceptive person, but too often a time I choose to be blind to my perceptions and give the situation the benefit of a doubt.

"Your situation sucks, obviously, it's never right for any boy to treat a girl that way, but it's your fault for  allowing it, or even wanting it to go on even though you knew what was going to happen. Don't say you didn't know, because I know you, and I am completely sure that you knew. What I don't understand is why you are capable of giving so many undeserved chances or even remotely believing any of it was your fault. You say he's stooping low for taking happiness he doesn't deserve, but who was the one who let him get used to it by giving him all sorts of things he never deserved in the first place?"

At this point, I wasn't quite sure what to say anymore. I think I rambled a bit about how he should have known better in the first place, or how he should have done better not to hurt me. I don't remember completely, but I do remember what came next.

"No boy of this calibre, would be noble enough to to be a martyr for your feelings. Did you seriously think he was going to sacrifice his own happiness, as undeserving as it is, for you? If he was that noble, none of this mess would have started in the first place. Even so, do you seriously want to be that stupid girl who's giving him another chance? Be thankful that you got out. Be happy she has the lesser man, and not you. Maybe they'll be happy, so what if they end up together? That just reflects on who they are as people. Don't forget, he lied to her too and she's the one who's going to go on with it anyway. Why do you want to be her?"

I was pretty much blank. I think I said something along the lines of.. he's actually a nice guy. He's really not that bad as a person. He made me happy, he made me laugh. I didn't have expectations shoved in my face when I was with him. My judgment wasn't that bad.

"Are you even going to start this with me? I don't give a fuck. All sorts of boys will come into your life who are passable for laughs and fucks, but do not even tell me you'd want to consider ending up with someone who is just that. No expectations? It's just your excuse for you to be lazy and not want to have or to be something more. That's how you land yourself in this kind of shit, by underachieving when you're a natural overachieving perfectionist. How is that even RIGHT? It's all self-sabotage so you get to be lazy and do less to make things work. Backfired, didn't it? Your aunt says what you're doing is dressing up a Coach to become a Gucci. It may look good at some angles, may even look close to a Gucci, but deep down.. what you want is a damned Gucci and we know there is no way in hell you'd be okay with Coach for the rest of your life. You wouldn't even be caught dead with Coach now! You're the only one stupid enough to buy into your own lies and think it's what you want. We all know your standards, and we are seriously sick of you dropping them for every guy you meet just because you're lonely. If you end up with some loser next time because you didn't listen to me and wake the hell up, I am not going to be here to listen to you whine anymore. Got it?"

..  Tough love FTMFW.

I'm still pretty blank.

Up and Gone.

I learned from a very young age that people are selfish. They hurt you, they leave you, they disappoint you. Your best interest is never priority. They'll always be looking out for themselves first and you, only if it's convenient to them. They use you on their way to gain happiness that they thoroughly do not deserve and abandon you once they get what they want. I got so used to being disappointed, that I started to believe that it was forgivable what people did to you, that it was just part and parcel of letting people into your life. That people will always hurt you, people will always leave, and that it was no injustice because you're supposed to be strong enough to move past it. You listen to them when they tell you, "You're going to be okay", not realising that only people who don't worry about you say that and that the people who truly care actually say, "I want to help make things okay".

There comes a day where you realise, that you have never let go of any of these hurts. That you never dealt with any of it and chose to ignore it until it just stop hurting. The bitterness and resentment towards all these things keep multiplying because as luck has it, you keep meeting the worst people you could meet at that point in your life. While you keep giving these people second chances, and you exhaust your heart from all this giving, in the back of your mind you've grown to be angry about so many things. Somehow you find that you never should have had to carry all that weight on your shoulders, and in that instant, you just drop it all and feel that pressure that was pounding in your heart release. It's a new feeling, this freedom, when you've finally gotten out of being locked inside your own prison of hurt.

It's terrifying and exciting all at the same time.

Young Folks.

I had a beautiful time at TAG tonight, and it was a wonderful night full of vodka redbull, dancing and.. well, one little other thing. The combination of it all just took the thumping music to another level and my mind was absolutely free. I really ought to do this more often, I think it's definitely good for my soul because I've not felt this good in awhile.

While driving home, I read a tweet my friend posted.

"How do you move on? You move on when your heart understands there's no turning back."

It's not my heart that doesn't understand, it's my mind. I know myself, and my mind is far harder to appease than my heart. It's been proven that you can live without your brain, as long as your heart is beating. My heart can do the work for awhile, it's strong enough to take it all.  Maybe for awhile I'll turn my mind off and just be ignorant. Perhaps I'll be happier that way, because too much thinking and knowing is a huge fucking pain in the ass.

Don't Speak.

Every man I have ever loved has disappointed me. My father, my grandfather, my stepfather, and every boy I've ever dated up 'til this day. Girls, you think the church boys won't hurt you? They fuck you up the most. All I've ever dated were boys raised as Christians, and they turn out worse than the next. These are the men you expect to be the ones who are stable enough to look after you, because they'd know to do things right. But you know what? They fuck up too and it's worse because you don't expect it from them.

I'm beginning to lose faith in men. I don't know why I want to believe that it will get better for me when all the ones I've ever met have only hurt me. I don't want to give up on people, but I feel this time I've really got no choice. This was the last straw.

Fuck was I?

I've got another confession to make,

I'm your fool.

Everyone's got their chains to break,

Holding you.

Were you born to resist or be abused?

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

Or are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head,

Without your noose.

You gave me something that I didn't have,

But had no use.

I was too weak to give in,

Too strong to lose.

My heart is under arrest again,

But I'll break loose.

My head is giving me life or death,

But I can't choose.

I swear I'll never give in,

I refuse.

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

It's real, the pain you feel,

You trust, you must confess.

Is someone getting the best

The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

It's real, the pain you feel.

The life, the love,

You'd die to heal.

The hope that starts,

The broken hearts,

You trust, you must confess.

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend,

I'm no fool.

I'm getting tired of starting again,

Somewhere new.

Were you born to resist, or be abused?

I swear I'll never give in, I refuse.

Is someone getting the best

The best, the best, the best of you?

***

You learn so much about yourself when it's reflected in another person's eyes. I never knew how much I've turned into this person. I guess I've changed too. I think I'll take this time to figure out who it is I really am, the person who first got here, or the person who I am now. I guess only time will tell. I only hope I have enough.

Playing God.

A talk with a great friend brought me some new perspective to my situation. The heart wants what it wants. No matter what is said or what is done, the heart will come to its revelations only in its own time. There's no use forcing or fighting because you will never change it. That is why the heart is always stronger than the mind. The people who think with it are the hardest to sway. The heart is hurt easier than the mind, therefore you cannot argue with it. The heart thinks with no logic but with emotion. Speaking to a heart with rationale will never get you anywhere.

There's always factors that change things, but you cannot force them but just let them happen. Being the absolute control freak that I am, this idea scares the hell out of me and because I know I'm holding on by a thread, I pull more violently, even though it seems that I fail to see that a thin thread breaks easier, so I should stop pulling and leave it be.

Maybe I don't always have to do things my way. It's usually when I stop trying to do it my way that reality kicks in, and the things that I wanted to happen.. just happen. I'm just afraid that it will be too late. For someone like me, I know what too late means. This fear is not something that should keep me from living my life. I cannot keep doing this anymore. I need to let go and let whatever will happen.. just happen.

There will be bad days and there will be good days, but if this is a chance to gain back strength and independence, it'll be stupid not to go for it. Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. There will be days where I feel absolutely broken, but I will not let my feelings break me. It's time to rise above again.