What I Want.

I was talking to my uncle about the last "relationship" I was in. What happened, how it unfolded and why. I felt such anger talking about it because of how unfair it felt being in my position, while he just went off with another girl. Given, I've been angry about this situation for awhile now, but it wasn't until then when I was telling this friend everything that I finally broke completely apart. I told him how I felt like I wasn't good enough, I told him how I felt helpless, I told him how I felt I did not deserve to be in this position and I did not deserve to feel this way, while he went on to all that undeserved happiness for all he's done and for all the lies he's told. I didn't care whose feelings I hurt at that moment, I didn't care to spare any names, I didn't care to hide anything. I just hated everything. I just let it all out. I was a mess.

"So let me get this straight. You stuck around with a guy who lied to you for months, and he ended up being a cheat and a sham. You were seriously surprised?"

I kept quiet for awhile. I told him that it wasn't that I was surprised, but that I had expected more from him. That I believed in him. That I always wanted to believe in the better, even though I knew that wasn't how it was going to play out. I've been told, and I do acknowledge, that I am a very perceptive person, but too often a time I choose to be blind to my perceptions and give the situation the benefit of a doubt.

"Your situation sucks, obviously, it's never right for any boy to treat a girl that way, but it's your fault for  allowing it, or even wanting it to go on even though you knew what was going to happen. Don't say you didn't know, because I know you, and I am completely sure that you knew. What I don't understand is why you are capable of giving so many undeserved chances or even remotely believing any of it was your fault. You say he's stooping low for taking happiness he doesn't deserve, but who was the one who let him get used to it by giving him all sorts of things he never deserved in the first place?"

At this point, I wasn't quite sure what to say anymore. I think I rambled a bit about how he should have known better in the first place, or how he should have done better not to hurt me. I don't remember completely, but I do remember what came next.

"No boy of this calibre, would be noble enough to to be a martyr for your feelings. Did you seriously think he was going to sacrifice his own happiness, as undeserving as it is, for you? If he was that noble, none of this mess would have started in the first place. Even so, do you seriously want to be that stupid girl who's giving him another chance? Be thankful that you got out. Be happy she has the lesser man, and not you. Maybe they'll be happy, so what if they end up together? That just reflects on who they are as people. Don't forget, he lied to her too and she's the one who's going to go on with it anyway. Why do you want to be her?"

I was pretty much blank. I think I said something along the lines of.. he's actually a nice guy. He's really not that bad as a person. He made me happy, he made me laugh. I didn't have expectations shoved in my face when I was with him. My judgment wasn't that bad.

"Are you even going to start this with me? I don't give a fuck. All sorts of boys will come into your life who are passable for laughs and fucks, but do not even tell me you'd want to consider ending up with someone who is just that. No expectations? It's just your excuse for you to be lazy and not want to have or to be something more. That's how you land yourself in this kind of shit, by underachieving when you're a natural overachieving perfectionist. How is that even RIGHT? It's all self-sabotage so you get to be lazy and do less to make things work. Backfired, didn't it? Your aunt says what you're doing is dressing up a Coach to become a Gucci. It may look good at some angles, may even look close to a Gucci, but deep down.. what you want is a damned Gucci and we know there is no way in hell you'd be okay with Coach for the rest of your life. You wouldn't even be caught dead with Coach now! You're the only one stupid enough to buy into your own lies and think it's what you want. We all know your standards, and we are seriously sick of you dropping them for every guy you meet just because you're lonely. If you end up with some loser next time because you didn't listen to me and wake the hell up, I am not going to be here to listen to you whine anymore. Got it?"

..  Tough love FTMFW.

I'm still pretty blank.