I'll Follow You Into The Dark.

Crashed and crushed along the road,

A sinister feeling was not forebode,

No one saw the wicked bend,

That sent us reeling to our end,

Tarmac heat and gnashing teeth,

My love to you do I bequeath, 

Before this takes its dying breath,

How did we come to sudden death?

You were always my car-crash romance.

Scarred and broken, you left me. 

But you're so God damned beautiful that I wish you well.

***

Did that hurt? 

No? 

It will soon.

I'll make sure it does, and when you least expect it.

Heal The World.

R.I.P Michael Jackson,

You were legendary.

***

I remember it was just a week or so ago Jon and I were talking about who we'd have wanted to see live in concert in this lifetime. Michael Jackson was definitely my top one. I shall never have this dream come true. 

:(

Like a Star.

You're bent on making things better, but I don't see the point. I tried again to walk away but you didn't want to let me go.  You promised you'd start to treat me better, do you even know how? Why make me stay if in the end, you're going to fail me? Things were getting better, but that little crack in the trust can bring everything crumbling down again. 

I guess we'll take this a day at a time.

I'll keep trying if you do.

P.S: And to you? I knew you're the kind who doesn't know how to do your own dirty work. Why not you realise you're not as important as you or your friends think? Hmm. I bet the thought has never occurred, especially to your bullheaded counterpart. Tsk.

***

This is fair game and if you have a problem, take it up with him because I didn't force him to stay. 

Best Of You.

"Is someone getting the best of you?"

When two people have been through as much as we have, the rules change. You unlearn everything you thought you knew and you sit dumbfounded at the revelation of having any train of thought other than the one you knew. The tables turn, the roles change, the perspectives warp. You're left sitting there thinking, "Okay. Now what?"

And, I don't know really, because we live our lives like everything's okay, but in truth, it's all broken. Every single bit of it but one aspect. Like you said, what irony right? It really is the only thing that's keeping me from walking away for good. It's the only part of you I truly like anymore.

I don't know if that's really as sad as I think it is, because on the surface, everything seems fine. 

Maybe I shouldn't be asking for more.

Fair Game.

As colours fill the morning sky,

On card and chalk my feelings lie,

To see your face in awed surprise,

To see the smile in your eyes.

You were worth it all,

and I forgive you.

***

Strangely enough, that was all the reassurance I needed and everything feels better now. I asked myself when I could start forgiving you and trusting you again, and that time came sooner than I expected. 

:)

Follow Me.

Like dreams and hearts are easily broken,

Like words of love that remain unspoken,

Watch myself reflected in your eyes,

There could be no feeling more that I despise,

I walked the universe for your heart,

To find shooting stars had torn us apart,

As glimpses of light pulled you from land,

My despaired attempt to hold on to your hand,

I lost myself in trying to be,

The weight of your world, your gravity,

You were a song I tried to play,

But my melody was powerless to make you stay,

I'll forget who we once were but now what we are,

Hope still lives inside to dance with a star,

And none of them shine brighter than you do.

- N.

***

You told me one day that I'll find better, but sometimes better is not what your heart wants. The worst feeling on earth is not the heartbreak, because heartbreaks heal. It is the feeling of fighting for something so hard, challenging yourself and realizing that all that was for nothing. It is the disappointment that you wasted your time, and how stupid you feel for fighting so hard. 

On another note, this is something I found online written by someone who calls himself.. Evil Catullus. Hmm. It's quite beautiful, really.

Shall I tell you stories of other stars: stars that you love, that deserve your love. Stars that do not disappoint, and disgust, and disgrace your love. Oh, I have hope they exist for your sake!

She was barefoot in the garden as the moonlight caught the hem of her dress. Her hair, almost silver, was pulled up into a knot high on her head leaving a neck as graceful as a swan's vulnerable to the night air and the west wind. She was barefoot, but wore a gown that shimmered as silver-white as her hair. He approached her from the west with the wind and his scent was carried with the autumn leaves. He moved soundlessly except for the faint jingle of silver-white necklaces, tokens from old lovers. She did not acknowledge his approach with anything other than a sigh. Her back was turned to him and the west wind.
His cloak was yellow and tattered and patched many times over. His hands were brown and smooth and his teeth were very white. He smiled widely in the moonlight and black tendrils of his hair blew out towards her, as if in greeting. Had her back not been turned to him, she would have gazed upon his smile and once more been dazzled and heart-broken. She was prepared and did not turn to look, she only said, "you are leaving," it was not an accusation.

His smile faltered, but only for a moment. They always knew the Traveler left them alone; but there always had been much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Never before had there been one who did not beg, who did not ask in vain for him to stay. Smiling wider, he stared down at his brown, smooth hands and said, "I am leaving."

At this, she nodded, and silver-white hair and silver-white gown shimmered faintly in the moonlight. She closed her eyes and bowed her head, as if in benediction. There was silence except for the faint jingle of necklaces and the sound of the west wind entangling black hair with silver-white.

At last the Traveler broke the silence, awkwardly, as if he were unaccustomed to speaking, "Since you have not begged me to stay or wept, I shall grant you a boon". He was surprised at how tender his voice became. Then, quickly, "but do not ask me to stay. I may return some day, but I will not stay."

She smiled a strange, secretive smile but did not turn to look at him. Her voice sounded as if it came from very far and she spoke slowly, "I ask that you never again return this place, never again seek me out."

His smile fell, and he wrinkled his smooth, brown brow. He stared for a moment at the implacable back of the one who would not beg and felt a sudden loss. He turned on his heel and walked away, thinking of moonlight and her stories, knowing that he would be, at last, forgotten.

***

It's time I stopped wondering, It's time I stopped questioning. It's time to just live and see where life brings me, and one day I'll stop hoping that it would bring me back to you.

Now That The Love Is Gone.

I just bought Neil Gaiman's Fragile Things. He is an amazing writer and this is the first copy I'm actually going to get to own, the last few ones I found at the library on someone else's bookshelf and of course, practically no bookstore here sells his books.

I'm going to go feed my brain now, and cook dinner. Beef Burritos and salsa chicken salad! Mmm. A nice six pack of beer is chilling in the fridge and I just came home from buying a few nice things from La Senza. 

I'm having an awesome day. 

:)

The Middle.

It's a sudden and random realization, but the middle is a shitty place to be.

If you think about it, the middle class, the middle child, the almost lover, are all trapped in the middle. It seems like the middle person always has more to prove. They don't have the means to live up to their better counterparts, and are too arrogant to settle for the simplicity in life. The rich have nothing to prove, and the poor are blissfully oblivious. The eldest child is always perceived as the favourite and the youngest will always be their baby. The almost lover fights harder to justify that they meant something, while the significant other needs to do nothing, because they are already assured.

Where does this leave the people in the middle? It's a sad place to be, not letting yourself be happy because you want more than you can get but will not settle for less.

When did we become such thankless people?

I think it's high time we all understood the meaning of contentment, and loving life for and with all we have. That the things not within our reach are not meant for us at the moment, and that it's okay to have less and for the things we already have, we remember we are blessed.

A Lack Of Colour.

Do you believe that our imaginations dictate a bigger majority of our actions and emotions than reality does? After recent events, it's beginning to seem that a lot of us.. don't really seem to live on this planet, and often we choose to stick our head in the clouds. I guess it's understandable, considering the norms can be boring, and we are all always looking or dreaming up something better for ourselves. 

But what happens when we live our lives according to these dreams, and reality is not exactly keeping up? We fall down disappointed because, it was never that way in the first place. We never read things as just simple anymore, we want it to mean something more, so we take out our magic markers and draw our own conclusions from our own minds. We are a generation of dreamers. Maybe it's because our reality is so sad.

Why should we not be able to create our own beauty, not just dream it, but live it?

We always have the tendency to throw off our own contentment and hope for something more, because we always believe our dreams are better. We don't know if they are, but we hope for them anyway and we fixate ourselves on attaining these dreams. We are capable of putting all the things in front of us on hold, just to see whether these dreams can be real or not. We convince ourselves that they are worth it, and work extra hard to prove ourselves wrong when we find that they aren't. Tragic human behaviour.

I wish you'd pay more attention to your reality, but you're already in love with your dreams. Your blind optimism scares me, that even though all the odds are against you, you're still going to choose to try. I'm afraid that you will realise one day, that this dream was always a dream and I do not want you to waste your potential chasing a dream, that although made you happy, caused you to put off all the things you could have done for your reality, which would have made you even happier. 

I am angry that this dream will never be able to give you a safety net because it just simply can't, and when you fall, it will hurt you. I am angry that dreams beckon anyway, with the equal amount of optimism, screaming for you to chase them, when they cannot promise you anything. I am angry that you are throwing away something that is for sure, for something that you don't know.

I am sad that you jump to conclusions so fast and stick to them, that you don't allow yourself to realise anything until it's too late. You flit from one thing to another so quick, that you don't even give yourself time to catch yourself. I am sad that you don't see I've been the one who's been there waiting to catch you, and once you're back on your own feet, you don't come back to me, you run even further towards the dreams that caused you to fall in the first place. It's heartbreaking. 

If you are going to chase your dreams, I am always going to be reality.

I will always be here to pick you up when you fall,

And I hope one day your dreams become real,

Even if that means you will no longer need me anymore.

You're too blinded to see what's right in front of you, and you're convinced you wouldn't have it any other way. I'm tired of fighting to make you see. I don't know what to do so I will just wait to fade away.

We Are All Made Of Stars.

Perhaps it is a little silly, but I tend to judge a person's character based on their star signs. I find most personality readings online are scarily accurate, or.. I am really a Virgo to the 'T'. I used to be told that Astrology is nonsense, but lately I've been finding it to be very true.

I read recently on another person's blog, the profile of a Virgo in love, and I swear it was written with me in mind. It takes me a long time to shake off my distrust when I am lied to, and deceit causes me to turn into a vicious, vicious creature. I need to be a part of a person's life completely if I'm at that level of closeness. I will pretty much let my partner do whatever the hell he pleases if I trust him. Also, I need to feel needed in order to function as someone in another person's life. That I choose very few to love, and those select few get my all as long as I know they need me. Intense, I know. But most Virgos I know are very intense people anyway. 

This is perhaps the most boring post I've written in a while.

Hurrah.

Read My Mind.

I was reading some sites this morning, doing some brief scans on the next chapters of my social psychology syllabus, when I came across an article on the power of suggestion. Saying something that gets someone to do something you want, by merely pointing out the possible consequence of if they don't. 

It's the classic case of  

"I'm not saying that it will happen, but like.. what if, you know? Just saying."

It speaks of the power of the mind and how everything you do is powered by your belief and that things happen for you because you have the tendency to do what your mind believes in. The psychology behind optimism is that you view a situation no matter how bad it is, and pick out the good from it and work from there. Perhaps I am too realistic and need to adopt a little smidgen of optimism. I need to start telling myself that everything will turn out great, and things will follow suit.

"Remember belief is only a thought in your mind. You have the power to choose your own thoughts and therefore decide what you believe."

I particularly liked the phrase above because it shows, we are not enslaved to our emotions and actions, because thoughts always come before actions and emotions and we hold in ourselves the power to determine what we believe is our fate and what we believe we are meant for. 

Come to think about it, I have managed to get everything I want by convincing myself that I will get them. Even when it's extremely far fetched and out of reach. Perhaps I should stop underestimating the power of my own mind, and start making things happen for myself.

Just keep believing.

Go On Girl.

Sometimes, it's not you or the other person who can mess something up this bad.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

But this is beyond my capabilities.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

Just be happy that it was as great as it was.

Chasing Pavements.

Taken from my notes on facebook.

It's been awhile since I've posted there,

But I guess my blog needs an update too.

Here goes:

We often fall in love with our own online personas. It is the person we wish we were all the time, and the person we want people to believe we are. Why else would we put up only the best pictures of ourselves, why else would we tire endlessly on writing an "about me" that we put more thought into, than any other thing we write?  

We make ourselves believe that as real our lives online appear to be, it is not the complete us. A bad hair day lasts only for a day, and we laugh about it for a day. A bad picture lasts as long as you don't delete it, and we can laugh about it for months.  

So what happens when the best of two online personas fall in love? They fall in love with the best parts of each other. But what about the worst? You can tell a person of all your mistakes, you can tell a person of all your flaws, you can tell a person of all your weaknesses, but they will never be real to them until they experience them for themselves. Because, if you only hear of these mistakes, flaws and weaknesses, you tell yourself that they're okay, that everyone has them. and you justify yourself being a good and understanding person. But if that is so, why do we hate others we know in real life for their mistakes, flaws and weaknesses? why do we not overlook these as just human?  

Because we have to live with them. because they are the mistakes, flaws and weaknesses that rub us in the face. They are the factors of humanity that we have to deal with without choice and in reality, we are not as good people as we want others to believe. 

That's when things begin to fall apart. we read about the bad, but what do we really know about it until we truly experience it?  

You are my hurt reality, and I live with this pain everyday, still choosing to be here for you despite it all but even this makes no difference, because even though you liked the best of me, you chose not to love the rest of me.  

I pray that one day I will understand what this is you're doing.

Unbreakable.

I read somewhere that people find the need to shout when they argue, because when people argue, their hearts distance from each other and they shout to make up for that distance, even when the other person's nearby. 

But beyond the anger, when love comes in, hearts draw closer. So the more you love, the closer your hearts get. It gets to a point where you need nothing but a simple touch to say what you need to say. 

My heart is tired of trying to speak to yours. They don't even speak in the same language anymore.

I really wish I knew what to do.

But I'm tired of always trying to find the answer.

Heartbeats.

I've been thinking back on a time, where I wanted so much to be yours. Now you're back knocking on my door, but I just cannot bring myself to let you in. I think about how happy I was with you, I think about how great we were together and how far we could be by now.

But I just can't do it.

It feels like such a waste, but why did it take you so long to come around? Why now when I have already shut you out completely? We could have been happy together. You knew it in the back of your mind, that I was all that you needed to be happy, yet you were never content. You were always looking for, not necessarily better things, but just.. more things. 

Is it the curse of Gemini men to never be happy with what they live with, and always want the things that are out of reach? Is it because I am out of reach now that you have come back?

This is not a game, I am not a pawn.

Now please, just give up.

I cannot endure another heartbreak from you.

Spazz.

I loved you deeply,

And I guess in a way,

I always will.

Thinking about you today just saddened me.

Because we could've been great together.

If only you did just that bit of growing up,

We could be happy by now.

I miss you,

But it's too late for these feelings now.

I'm never going back.

Bandages.

For people who think so highly of themselves, this sure is extremely high school behaviour. Banding together against one person, just because one of your friends doesn't like them. When did this have anything to do with you in the first place?

Very mature, indeed. 

Why are you and your friends so affected by my opinion anyway? What you said was listed in a public domain, and regardless of who I am, my opinion is still just an opinion on the web. Do you take it to heart because you know there is truth in what I've said? If none of what I said was true, wouldn't the mature thing to do be just to turn the cheek and disregard it?

For people who emphasize so much on age and maturity, you're definitely not very far ahead of me in terms of either. 

If you want to win so badly, go ahead.   

I'm picking my battles, and frankly,

This one isn't worth it.

Virtual Insanity.

If you know what's good for you,

You'll back the fuck off.

Maturity is not about whether or not you vent your emotions, it's how you handle the repercussions. And.. hmm. I hope you're mature enough to accept, that I don't give a fuck what you think, because you have no clue. 

Heartless.

I sat and stared at this for the longest time.

Would I ever be ready to delete you?

No.

Is it necessary?

Unfortunately, yes.

I took my deep breaths, because one simply would not do. I clenched your bracelet in my hand and watched your name disappear from my list. How convenient technology's made it to erase someone from your life. In a matter of seconds, poof. You're gone.

I wonder how long it will be before I stop searching for your name whenever I log on. I still scroll to 'J' whenever I open up my contact list, because you're the first person I want to tell all my thoughts to. 

But right now I don't trust you.

So you don't deserve to be the first anymore.

I can't keep fighting with you.

I don't want to end up hating you.

29 days and counting.

All I hope for is not to have went through this all for nothing.

I will never understand how we let everything get this way when there was never anything wrong with us before. We used to never fight, and that's all we seem to do these days and I know I always start it because I can't let myself trust you. 

Will we ever be the same again?

Is it too late to fix us?

I always think of you when I listen to this song.

Take this sinking boat and point it home,

We've still got time.

Raise your hopeful voice, You have a choice,

You've made it known.

Falling slowly, sing your melody,

I'll sing along.

All we have is time,

And only time will tell.

Conspiracy.

I fucking love cereal.

I do, really. But I've been eating it all day long because my head hurts too much for me to go out and look for food. At this point, even fast food seems rather appealing because I'm so damned hungry. No, no. I will refrain. I shall eat cereal.

Perhaps.. nothing at all.

Streamyx is being a bit of a sheep fucker at the moment. 

My head fucking hurts.

I can't type anything intelligible anymore.

So..

NGEAHMEHFOOSAHBLEH.

Good night!