Don't Look Back in Anger.

The thought crossed my mind; maybe I'm in love. Though, as suddenly as that thought appeared, is as suddenly the feeling left. I'm not sure why I have no sentiment, despite wanting so much to have someone to care for. I pour my heart out to the few friends I love, but it's overwhelming. The boundaries that keep me from loving wholeheartedly, make me not want to love at all. This is life living in extremes. Moderation is boring.

On another note, I think I'm pretty good at meaning what I say, so I'm not sure why people can still be confused. I don't play games. If I feel something about you, you will probably hear it. If you don't.. then I'm probably not sure. However, if you're gonna play games.. you're just moving my hand to make the decision, and I hate having decisions made for me. Prepare to be hated.

It's only a matter of time, only a matter of time.

The Matriarchs.

This is a work in progress.

The matriarchs sit at the round marble table in silence, chopsticks clinking against their rice bowls. It's been a long day, it's always a long day. The queen is the breadwinner, the head of the household, her mother is the caretaker and rock, the household is their kingdom. A stifled bark comes from under the table, a soft nudge from a cold wet nose on her foot. She taps the playful boy away, and with a stern "No, not now.", he retreats to his corner in a sulk. He is the queen's most trusted eunuch, though his duties are nothing more than to laze and eat, and love unconditionally. He is the best man the queen could love.

The queen mother gazes intently across the table at the old king. Time took his youth, his hair and teeth, but drink took away his power, his fight, his mind. He spits a chicken bone onto the table and goes greedily for the next one. In disdain the queen mother says, "Even without teeth, you eat the fastest, the most and the best.", but the comment falls on deaf ears. She sighs and looks angrily into her bowl. For years she has given the best of herself to her husband, the countless years of tears and beatings, all for her children and their children. When the wealth was gone, so was the dictator, and despite losing it all, she sighed with relief. Now the old king is nothing but an empty shell of himself, waiting for time to take the only thing he has left. Even now she cannot bear taking the best cuts of chicken, or the leafiest parts of vegetables. She puts down her bowl, suddenly everything is tasteless, overwhelmed by the bitterness and discontentment in her heart. The old king spits out another chicken bone, and goes again for the next.

The queen looks at her mother, seeing the fire burn in her eyes. It is a fire that came when the chains were broken. She quickly overthrew the king and the kingdom was hers at last. The queen looks at her father. He was the walking dead and her heart ached for him. It is her filial duty to watch him, even though he is just another man who fell short of her glory. She sought out kings to replace him, but one by one they failed. Her heart and body hurt from each failure, they took parts of her that they would never return, but it was alright. She is strong, a fortress, and a few stolen bricks will not collapse her. The women she used to call friends speak daggers behind her back, tongues black from the poison they spew to their friends and children. They drink happily and willingly of this poison because it's the only thing that fuels their idle minds. The queen always smiles graciously at them in passing, although she hears all and sees all. I am not so kind, and I say to hell with them. They are merely legally wed prostitutes, waiting to be fucked. I glare at them and wait to spill my own brand of poison and blades, but the queen stops me. "It's not worth it.", she says. The queen has always been an expert at picking her battles. I want to fight them all for her.

"Ba, please eat slowly, there is still plenty.", she says quietly. The old king pauses and looks up at his daughter, he nods and takes a sip from his mug.

I wonder sometimes if the queen is lonely, her children grown and distant. Even as a woman so extraordinary, her life is painfully static. I wonder sometimes if she needs a man to take away her burdens, so that she can finally live the life that she deserves. I wonder sometimes if she is happy, despite the smiles on her lips and the laugh lines on her smooth fair skin, I see the faintest hint of sadness in her eyes. I wonder sometimes if the broken hearts have left her cynical, and that she no longer believes in love, when she deserves so much of it.

No matter what the answer, a queen is still a queen, with or without a king.

Mother, I am not the daughter that you can be the proudest of, and I know that you live in constant fear that I will disappoint you, but I am so proud of you. You are everything that I can ever hope to be in this lifetime and I will consider it an achievement if I can ever live up to you. I love you, and I can only pray to be as strong.

As If Nothing's Wrong.

Another night that I can tell will be a sleepless one. It's too warm in this bed yet kicking off the covers makes it too damn cold. The "just right" seems to be so god damn elusive. First world problems, huh? I've tried to toss and turn myself to exhaustion for the past hour and a half but to no avail. I still lie awake with my thoughts and fears for company. Miserable companions they are, I must say.

I feel that I should be sedated because these fears I have are completely irrational. I fear my father leaving me behind, but he had already done so a long time ago. I was happy when we met, it felt like a part of myself I had not known, that was hidden in my memory was found again. Alas, like all men in my life, he left again. This time I wasn't too young to not wonder why, this time I didn't have the luxury of not thinking.. "Perhaps I wasn't worth staying around for. Perhaps I'm not the daughter he wanted." I see the photographs of him with my half brother, his girlfriend. They seem happy. He seems happy to embrace someone who is not his own, but what happened when it came to me? The question is rhetoric, because I already know why.

Why am I afraid of things that I already have the answer for, or the things that have already happened? How could the fears of the past translate to the present? I guess haunting is not just for angry spirits or poltergeists, but for your greatest fears and your darkest thoughts. They creep into your psyche and cause your sanity to fester, until once again you're consumed by the dank, the dirty, the deadbeat dad.

I know that when faced, I will just smile and laugh like I have nothing to hide, and I don't, really. I am far from still waters, so nobody really knows how deep these thoughts run. A minute ago, I was thinking of what I wanted to have for lunch tomorrow, so I'm pretty sure I don't either.

This mind has lost itself.

Fiction.

A friend once told me that I'm like a puppy, and that I need constant attention or I'd get bored and run off to destroy things. As much as I resented that observation, I couldn't help but agree. I bore easily, and I tire quickly of people. It's not often that I find people that I like talking to and when I do, I feel the need to share all my thoughts with them. Out of the already small pool of people that I choose to turn to, there's even fewer who can keep up with the constant conversation. Where does that leave me? Again, with my own thoughts.

There are days that I just hate being in my own head because it feels like my thoughts are on loop and my brain is forever on repeat. It's like a bullet train on a circular track, zipping so quickly that it's impossible to keep up. The grinding of the train and track screech in my ears and keep me up at night. It's tiring, so tiring. I wish I could just turn my mind off, I wish my personality wasn't so intense. How will anyone keep up if I can't even keep up with myself?

This is the breaking point.

After All These Years.

I completely forgot I had this blog, and spent the past two hours deleting posts that I didn't care for anymore. It's scary to see how dark a place I was in, and how much I've grown up since then. I think the past two years really forced my life into perspective. I got offered to have my writing published, but I don't know what pieces to submit, and I still question whether anything I write is good enough.

All that aside, I'm here to say.. Diamonds and the Dirty Truth is back.

This Is The Future.

Despite J being in the hospital, and the family being quite glum, this Christmas did not feel lonely at all. That's a definite first in a couple of years, and I'm really happy about that. I used to love Christmas, because it meant everyone coming home and that usually meant the cute boys would come back from overseas. When I left home, Christmases just started getting lonely, because coming home meant leaving again. No matter how much you loved being home, there was nothing to get attached to because you had to leave it behind. It was sad, because I'd always wanted to have someone special at this time of year.

Funnily enough, all my relationships come to an end before Christmas comes along. My first boyfriend and I broke up during Christmas too. It was a string of heartbreaks after then, and it always made me wonder if I'd ever find someone to share this holiday with. This year, as expected, it didn't last until Christmas, and I'm completely single again. But you know what? This time, it's okay.

I've never felt more loved.
By family, friends and the few special men in my life.
You guys know who you are.
;)

So Merry Christmas, my lovelies.
I hope you're all feeling the same joy.

Rainbow Veins.

It's the bop of a head,
The bang of a bass,
The sound so electric,
That pumped in this place,
The push turned to shove,
And the bop turned to beat,
The sound of your sex,
Took over my feet.

I danced for hours to the sound of twilight,
But all I could think about was you.

"Your sex is on fire".

In that crowd of thump and lights,
I wished I was in your arms.

***

I'm back home, and it's amazing. I have the slightest inkling of not wanting to go back to KL, but this time I gotta finish what I started. The fear of going insane is getting to me, it's what the big city does to you. I need an anchor. I need someone to come home to. I need someone to make it all worth my while. Until then, I'll still have my "kids", my "husbands" and my nights at TAG.

My favourite kids, Li and Sam. <3

Minus my wife, Jon.

Doesn't matter,

He's a little slut anyway.

Haha.

Yes, I said wife.

Believe.

The strangest thing about this trip was that I got what I thought I wanted, but realised it was just a way to get over it and look out for better things. This time, I'm not the one who has to deal with the consequences, but I got to reap the benefits. It feels sweet to finally be cut a fucking break. I think I've gone through enough. I think it was more than enough. Now all I need to really do is take it all in and enjoy every single moment.

If only you knew the things that would tear you apart. They would hurt you. It would serve you right. Sadly, I find no pleasure in wanting to destroy anything anymore. I got my closure. I got all I wanted out of it. I guess this means I'm done. Hmmm. From the looks of it, you have a rocky path ahead and I can't say I feel sorry for you.

Oh well.
A chapter closed, but I know my battle's won.
:)

What I Want.

I was talking to my uncle about the last "relationship" I was in. What happened, how it unfolded and why. I felt such anger talking about it because of how unfair it felt being in my position, while he just went off with another girl. Given, I've been angry about this situation for awhile now, but it wasn't until then when I was telling this friend everything that I finally broke completely apart. I told him how I felt like I wasn't good enough, I told him how I felt helpless, I told him how I felt I did not deserve to be in this position and I did not deserve to feel this way, while he went on to all that undeserved happiness for all he's done and for all the lies he's told. I didn't care whose feelings I hurt at that moment, I didn't care to spare any names, I didn't care to hide anything. I just hated everything. I just let it all out. I was a mess.

"So let me get this straight. You stuck around with a guy who lied to you for months, and he ended up being a cheat and a sham. You were seriously surprised?"

I kept quiet for awhile. I told him that it wasn't that I was surprised, but that I had expected more from him. That I believed in him. That I always wanted to believe in the better, even though I knew that wasn't how it was going to play out. I've been told, and I do acknowledge, that I am a very perceptive person, but too often a time I choose to be blind to my perceptions and give the situation the benefit of a doubt.

"Your situation sucks, obviously, it's never right for any boy to treat a girl that way, but it's your fault for  allowing it, or even wanting it to go on even though you knew what was going to happen. Don't say you didn't know, because I know you, and I am completely sure that you knew. What I don't understand is why you are capable of giving so many undeserved chances or even remotely believing any of it was your fault. You say he's stooping low for taking happiness he doesn't deserve, but who was the one who let him get used to it by giving him all sorts of things he never deserved in the first place?"

At this point, I wasn't quite sure what to say anymore. I think I rambled a bit about how he should have known better in the first place, or how he should have done better not to hurt me. I don't remember completely, but I do remember what came next.

"No boy of this calibre, would be noble enough to to be a martyr for your feelings. Did you seriously think he was going to sacrifice his own happiness, as undeserving as it is, for you? If he was that noble, none of this mess would have started in the first place. Even so, do you seriously want to be that stupid girl who's giving him another chance? Be thankful that you got out. Be happy she has the lesser man, and not you. Maybe they'll be happy, so what if they end up together? That just reflects on who they are as people. Don't forget, he lied to her too and she's the one who's going to go on with it anyway. Why do you want to be her?"

I was pretty much blank. I think I said something along the lines of.. he's actually a nice guy. He's really not that bad as a person. He made me happy, he made me laugh. I didn't have expectations shoved in my face when I was with him. My judgment wasn't that bad.

"Are you even going to start this with me? I don't give a fuck. All sorts of boys will come into your life who are passable for laughs and fucks, but do not even tell me you'd want to consider ending up with someone who is just that. No expectations? It's just your excuse for you to be lazy and not want to have or to be something more. That's how you land yourself in this kind of shit, by underachieving when you're a natural overachieving perfectionist. How is that even RIGHT? It's all self-sabotage so you get to be lazy and do less to make things work. Backfired, didn't it? Your aunt says what you're doing is dressing up a Coach to become a Gucci. It may look good at some angles, may even look close to a Gucci, but deep down.. what you want is a damned Gucci and we know there is no way in hell you'd be okay with Coach for the rest of your life. You wouldn't even be caught dead with Coach now! You're the only one stupid enough to buy into your own lies and think it's what you want. We all know your standards, and we are seriously sick of you dropping them for every guy you meet just because you're lonely. If you end up with some loser next time because you didn't listen to me and wake the hell up, I am not going to be here to listen to you whine anymore. Got it?"

..  Tough love FTMFW.

I'm still pretty blank.

Up and Gone.

I learned from a very young age that people are selfish. They hurt you, they leave you, they disappoint you. Your best interest is never priority. They'll always be looking out for themselves first and you, only if it's convenient to them. They use you on their way to gain happiness that they thoroughly do not deserve and abandon you once they get what they want. I got so used to being disappointed, that I started to believe that it was forgivable what people did to you, that it was just part and parcel of letting people into your life. That people will always hurt you, people will always leave, and that it was no injustice because you're supposed to be strong enough to move past it. You listen to them when they tell you, "You're going to be okay", not realising that only people who don't worry about you say that and that the people who truly care actually say, "I want to help make things okay".

There comes a day where you realise, that you have never let go of any of these hurts. That you never dealt with any of it and chose to ignore it until it just stop hurting. The bitterness and resentment towards all these things keep multiplying because as luck has it, you keep meeting the worst people you could meet at that point in your life. While you keep giving these people second chances, and you exhaust your heart from all this giving, in the back of your mind you've grown to be angry about so many things. Somehow you find that you never should have had to carry all that weight on your shoulders, and in that instant, you just drop it all and feel that pressure that was pounding in your heart release. It's a new feeling, this freedom, when you've finally gotten out of being locked inside your own prison of hurt.

It's terrifying and exciting all at the same time.

Young Folks.

I had a beautiful time at TAG tonight, and it was a wonderful night full of vodka redbull, dancing and.. well, one little other thing. The combination of it all just took the thumping music to another level and my mind was absolutely free. I really ought to do this more often, I think it's definitely good for my soul because I've not felt this good in awhile.

While driving home, I read a tweet my friend posted.

"How do you move on? You move on when your heart understands there's no turning back."

It's not my heart that doesn't understand, it's my mind. I know myself, and my mind is far harder to appease than my heart. It's been proven that you can live without your brain, as long as your heart is beating. My heart can do the work for awhile, it's strong enough to take it all.  Maybe for awhile I'll turn my mind off and just be ignorant. Perhaps I'll be happier that way, because too much thinking and knowing is a huge fucking pain in the ass.

Don't Speak.

Every man I have ever loved has disappointed me. My father, my grandfather, my stepfather, and every boy I've ever dated up 'til this day. Girls, you think the church boys won't hurt you? They fuck you up the most. All I've ever dated were boys raised as Christians, and they turn out worse than the next. These are the men you expect to be the ones who are stable enough to look after you, because they'd know to do things right. But you know what? They fuck up too and it's worse because you don't expect it from them.

I'm beginning to lose faith in men. I don't know why I want to believe that it will get better for me when all the ones I've ever met have only hurt me. I don't want to give up on people, but I feel this time I've really got no choice. This was the last straw.

Fuck was I?

I've got another confession to make,

I'm your fool.

Everyone's got their chains to break,

Holding you.

Were you born to resist or be abused?

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

Or are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head,

Without your noose.

You gave me something that I didn't have,

But had no use.

I was too weak to give in,

Too strong to lose.

My heart is under arrest again,

But I'll break loose.

My head is giving me life or death,

But I can't choose.

I swear I'll never give in,

I refuse.

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

It's real, the pain you feel,

You trust, you must confess.

Is someone getting the best

The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

It's real, the pain you feel.

The life, the love,

You'd die to heal.

The hope that starts,

The broken hearts,

You trust, you must confess.

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend,

I'm no fool.

I'm getting tired of starting again,

Somewhere new.

Were you born to resist, or be abused?

I swear I'll never give in, I refuse.

Is someone getting the best

The best, the best, the best of you?

***

You learn so much about yourself when it's reflected in another person's eyes. I never knew how much I've turned into this person. I guess I've changed too. I think I'll take this time to figure out who it is I really am, the person who first got here, or the person who I am now. I guess only time will tell. I only hope I have enough.

Playing God.

A talk with a great friend brought me some new perspective to my situation. The heart wants what it wants. No matter what is said or what is done, the heart will come to its revelations only in its own time. There's no use forcing or fighting because you will never change it. That is why the heart is always stronger than the mind. The people who think with it are the hardest to sway. The heart is hurt easier than the mind, therefore you cannot argue with it. The heart thinks with no logic but with emotion. Speaking to a heart with rationale will never get you anywhere.

There's always factors that change things, but you cannot force them but just let them happen. Being the absolute control freak that I am, this idea scares the hell out of me and because I know I'm holding on by a thread, I pull more violently, even though it seems that I fail to see that a thin thread breaks easier, so I should stop pulling and leave it be.

Maybe I don't always have to do things my way. It's usually when I stop trying to do it my way that reality kicks in, and the things that I wanted to happen.. just happen. I'm just afraid that it will be too late. For someone like me, I know what too late means. This fear is not something that should keep me from living my life. I cannot keep doing this anymore. I need to let go and let whatever will happen.. just happen.

There will be bad days and there will be good days, but if this is a chance to gain back strength and independence, it'll be stupid not to go for it. Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. There will be days where I feel absolutely broken, but I will not let my feelings break me. It's time to rise above again.

Ignorance.

I keep asking myself if given the chance, would I want to do things right? I don't know, I really don't know. I'm happy with the way everything is now, but things will change. Things change tomorrow. After our last night together, everything is going to be different. I don't know if I like the thought of it. No, I don't like the thought of it at all.

There's no way to fight the inevitable. I have to just let this happen.
Maybe things will turn out for the best, even if it hurts just for a little while.

Better Off.

I wish you understood the damage you've done.

I wish you cared.

Satisfaction.

I don't care what happens after these 8 days anymore, because truth and karma will smack you in your unevenly powdered face soon enough. FYI, the skin on your face and neck don't match. Gross.

I will never ever let anyone diminish my importance ever again, and after these 8 days I am utterly and completely free. I honestly don't care that much anymore, but I'm just irritated that I might not get the last say, and that is kind of all that really matters.

After all, no drama queen leaves without a dramatic exit.

Absolutely.

I'm starting to think that maybe time is not enough. While time dulls the pain of most things, it heals nothing. Patience may be a virtue, but resilience is divinity. Resilience is the strength to pick yourself up and go back to living, it is not waiting around for yourself to forget. Resilience is the will to keep on loving when the world crushes your heart into dust and saying, "It's okay, I'll still try put it back together". Resilience is telling yourself it's okay to move on.

A lot of the time we forget that we are meant for more than being just being wanted by someone else. We let ourselves get stepped on and broken, because we forget what we're truly worth. We forget because each time someone changes their mind, we allow their decision to bear weight on our worlds. Since when did we hand over the reigns to our lives? Since when did it be okay to let some other person who doesn't even know you as well as yourself, decide whether or not you deserve to be happy?

In these 9 days, I will hug, kiss and love. I will experience the things that I promised myself to the next time I fell for another guy. I will live and love like life has never hurt me, and it will be the best 9 days I can muster. When she finally comes and it all falls apart, I will not let myself fall apart with it. I will keep myself together because I am more than "better than this", I am fucking awesome, and nobody will ever take that away from me.

"Sometimes life will kick you around, but sooner or later you realise you're not just a survivor. You're a warrior, and you're stronger than anything life throws your way." - OTH

Daydreamer.

The irony of Hallows eve,
The chosen for they to meet,
With cloaks of innocence and chivalry,
They disregard the lies beneath,
As poison finds way through their veins,
To interchange between met lips,
I hope this kiss is one of death,
So fate can soon eclipse,
What masqueraded as love so true,
With long-awaited reality,
That all was mere foolish hope,
Made beautiful with curiosity.


Desperate? I agree.
One can only dream to see the day where people aren't ridiculous anymore.

Starstrukk.

today i drove alone.

at a stop light,

i thought about you.

who you used to be and who you are now,

i thought about who i thought you were,

i thought about who you really are.

i thought about how i'd thought to myself,

"this is a boy i could never fight with"

and,

"this is a boy who won't hurt me for a change".

i thought about how wrong i was.

i thought about me.

who i used to be and who i am now,

i thought about why i never seemed to be good enough,

i thought about how i'm going to start all over again,

i thought about how i told myself,

"this time i'm going to make it work",

and,

"this time i'm not going to run away".

i thought about how i had failed.

in 15 seconds,

i had thought of the most painful 7 months i've ever been through.

7 months of hurt,

7 months of being tossed around,

7 months of breaking myself apart,

7 months of wasted love.

in the next 15 seconds,

i thought of the next 2 weeks,

and how it will finally be the end.

i'd always thought it'd be easier to let go,

of something that's caused me so much grief.

but in 7 months,

this life has become all i know,

and no matter how painful it is,

i've grown used to it,

and even change for the better,

it terrifies me to no end.

losing a routine is terrifying,

no matter how bad that routine was for you.

nobody likes having to figure things out all over again.

30 seconds passed,

and before the lights had even turned green,

i figured out all that i needed to,

and i realised what it was that i really had to do.

my head tells me to soldier up,

but my heart tells me to remain hopeful for the better.

it's impossible to function when seething with so much inner conflict.

after these 2 weeks,

maybe this silence is as good as it gets,

maybe this solitude is all i will have,

maybe i will go back to being alone,

but maybe.. just maybe.

it will all be enough,

and i'll finally find peace.

for now,

i'll just keep driving.

maybe finally, i'll end up somewhere.

just maybe.

***

Just something I put up on my notes on Facebook. Thought I'd post it here as well. My mind is probably going to go into overdrive for the next two weeks. It feels somewhat like there's just not enough time to figure things out, but this is all we have. I promised to live the next two weeks like she doesn't exist, but somehow it's getting a little difficult. I sometimes wish she'd acknowledge herself as a part in this so it gives me all a reason, but then again that's just wishful thinking.

It's all thought.

Everything's always just thought.

I've learned not to find reasons to justify love and hate.

Some feelings are unjustifiable.