This Is The Future.

Despite J being in the hospital, and the family being quite glum, this Christmas did not feel lonely at all. That's a definite first in a couple of years, and I'm really happy about that. I used to love Christmas, because it meant everyone coming home and that usually meant the cute boys would come back from overseas. When I left home, Christmases just started getting lonely, because coming home meant leaving again. No matter how much you loved being home, there was nothing to get attached to because you had to leave it behind. It was sad, because I'd always wanted to have someone special at this time of year.

Funnily enough, all my relationships come to an end before Christmas comes along. My first boyfriend and I broke up during Christmas too. It was a string of heartbreaks after then, and it always made me wonder if I'd ever find someone to share this holiday with. This year, as expected, it didn't last until Christmas, and I'm completely single again. But you know what? This time, it's okay.

I've never felt more loved.
By family, friends and the few special men in my life.
You guys know who you are.
;)

So Merry Christmas, my lovelies.
I hope you're all feeling the same joy.

Rainbow Veins.

It's the bop of a head,
The bang of a bass,
The sound so electric,
That pumped in this place,
The push turned to shove,
And the bop turned to beat,
The sound of your sex,
Took over my feet.

I danced for hours to the sound of twilight,
But all I could think about was you.

"Your sex is on fire".

In that crowd of thump and lights,
I wished I was in your arms.

***

I'm back home, and it's amazing. I have the slightest inkling of not wanting to go back to KL, but this time I gotta finish what I started. The fear of going insane is getting to me, it's what the big city does to you. I need an anchor. I need someone to come home to. I need someone to make it all worth my while. Until then, I'll still have my "kids", my "husbands" and my nights at TAG.

My favourite kids, Li and Sam. <3

Minus my wife, Jon.

Doesn't matter,

He's a little slut anyway.

Haha.

Yes, I said wife.

Believe.

The strangest thing about this trip was that I got what I thought I wanted, but realised it was just a way to get over it and look out for better things. This time, I'm not the one who has to deal with the consequences, but I got to reap the benefits. It feels sweet to finally be cut a fucking break. I think I've gone through enough. I think it was more than enough. Now all I need to really do is take it all in and enjoy every single moment.

If only you knew the things that would tear you apart. They would hurt you. It would serve you right. Sadly, I find no pleasure in wanting to destroy anything anymore. I got my closure. I got all I wanted out of it. I guess this means I'm done. Hmmm. From the looks of it, you have a rocky path ahead and I can't say I feel sorry for you.

Oh well.
A chapter closed, but I know my battle's won.
:)

What I Want.

I was talking to my uncle about the last "relationship" I was in. What happened, how it unfolded and why. I felt such anger talking about it because of how unfair it felt being in my position, while he just went off with another girl. Given, I've been angry about this situation for awhile now, but it wasn't until then when I was telling this friend everything that I finally broke completely apart. I told him how I felt like I wasn't good enough, I told him how I felt helpless, I told him how I felt I did not deserve to be in this position and I did not deserve to feel this way, while he went on to all that undeserved happiness for all he's done and for all the lies he's told. I didn't care whose feelings I hurt at that moment, I didn't care to spare any names, I didn't care to hide anything. I just hated everything. I just let it all out. I was a mess.

"So let me get this straight. You stuck around with a guy who lied to you for months, and he ended up being a cheat and a sham. You were seriously surprised?"

I kept quiet for awhile. I told him that it wasn't that I was surprised, but that I had expected more from him. That I believed in him. That I always wanted to believe in the better, even though I knew that wasn't how it was going to play out. I've been told, and I do acknowledge, that I am a very perceptive person, but too often a time I choose to be blind to my perceptions and give the situation the benefit of a doubt.

"Your situation sucks, obviously, it's never right for any boy to treat a girl that way, but it's your fault for  allowing it, or even wanting it to go on even though you knew what was going to happen. Don't say you didn't know, because I know you, and I am completely sure that you knew. What I don't understand is why you are capable of giving so many undeserved chances or even remotely believing any of it was your fault. You say he's stooping low for taking happiness he doesn't deserve, but who was the one who let him get used to it by giving him all sorts of things he never deserved in the first place?"

At this point, I wasn't quite sure what to say anymore. I think I rambled a bit about how he should have known better in the first place, or how he should have done better not to hurt me. I don't remember completely, but I do remember what came next.

"No boy of this calibre, would be noble enough to to be a martyr for your feelings. Did you seriously think he was going to sacrifice his own happiness, as undeserving as it is, for you? If he was that noble, none of this mess would have started in the first place. Even so, do you seriously want to be that stupid girl who's giving him another chance? Be thankful that you got out. Be happy she has the lesser man, and not you. Maybe they'll be happy, so what if they end up together? That just reflects on who they are as people. Don't forget, he lied to her too and she's the one who's going to go on with it anyway. Why do you want to be her?"

I was pretty much blank. I think I said something along the lines of.. he's actually a nice guy. He's really not that bad as a person. He made me happy, he made me laugh. I didn't have expectations shoved in my face when I was with him. My judgment wasn't that bad.

"Are you even going to start this with me? I don't give a fuck. All sorts of boys will come into your life who are passable for laughs and fucks, but do not even tell me you'd want to consider ending up with someone who is just that. No expectations? It's just your excuse for you to be lazy and not want to have or to be something more. That's how you land yourself in this kind of shit, by underachieving when you're a natural overachieving perfectionist. How is that even RIGHT? It's all self-sabotage so you get to be lazy and do less to make things work. Backfired, didn't it? Your aunt says what you're doing is dressing up a Coach to become a Gucci. It may look good at some angles, may even look close to a Gucci, but deep down.. what you want is a damned Gucci and we know there is no way in hell you'd be okay with Coach for the rest of your life. You wouldn't even be caught dead with Coach now! You're the only one stupid enough to buy into your own lies and think it's what you want. We all know your standards, and we are seriously sick of you dropping them for every guy you meet just because you're lonely. If you end up with some loser next time because you didn't listen to me and wake the hell up, I am not going to be here to listen to you whine anymore. Got it?"

..  Tough love FTMFW.

I'm still pretty blank.

Up and Gone.

I learned from a very young age that people are selfish. They hurt you, they leave you, they disappoint you. Your best interest is never priority. They'll always be looking out for themselves first and you, only if it's convenient to them. They use you on their way to gain happiness that they thoroughly do not deserve and abandon you once they get what they want. I got so used to being disappointed, that I started to believe that it was forgivable what people did to you, that it was just part and parcel of letting people into your life. That people will always hurt you, people will always leave, and that it was no injustice because you're supposed to be strong enough to move past it. You listen to them when they tell you, "You're going to be okay", not realising that only people who don't worry about you say that and that the people who truly care actually say, "I want to help make things okay".

There comes a day where you realise, that you have never let go of any of these hurts. That you never dealt with any of it and chose to ignore it until it just stop hurting. The bitterness and resentment towards all these things keep multiplying because as luck has it, you keep meeting the worst people you could meet at that point in your life. While you keep giving these people second chances, and you exhaust your heart from all this giving, in the back of your mind you've grown to be angry about so many things. Somehow you find that you never should have had to carry all that weight on your shoulders, and in that instant, you just drop it all and feel that pressure that was pounding in your heart release. It's a new feeling, this freedom, when you've finally gotten out of being locked inside your own prison of hurt.

It's terrifying and exciting all at the same time.

Young Folks.

I had a beautiful time at TAG tonight, and it was a wonderful night full of vodka redbull, dancing and.. well, one little other thing. The combination of it all just took the thumping music to another level and my mind was absolutely free. I really ought to do this more often, I think it's definitely good for my soul because I've not felt this good in awhile.

While driving home, I read a tweet my friend posted.

"How do you move on? You move on when your heart understands there's no turning back."

It's not my heart that doesn't understand, it's my mind. I know myself, and my mind is far harder to appease than my heart. It's been proven that you can live without your brain, as long as your heart is beating. My heart can do the work for awhile, it's strong enough to take it all.  Maybe for awhile I'll turn my mind off and just be ignorant. Perhaps I'll be happier that way, because too much thinking and knowing is a huge fucking pain in the ass.

Don't Speak.

Every man I have ever loved has disappointed me. My father, my grandfather, my stepfather, and every boy I've ever dated up 'til this day. Girls, you think the church boys won't hurt you? They fuck you up the most. All I've ever dated were boys raised as Christians, and they turn out worse than the next. These are the men you expect to be the ones who are stable enough to look after you, because they'd know to do things right. But you know what? They fuck up too and it's worse because you don't expect it from them.

I'm beginning to lose faith in men. I don't know why I want to believe that it will get better for me when all the ones I've ever met have only hurt me. I don't want to give up on people, but I feel this time I've really got no choice. This was the last straw.

Fuck was I?

I've got another confession to make,

I'm your fool.

Everyone's got their chains to break,

Holding you.

Were you born to resist or be abused?

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

Or are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head,

Without your noose.

You gave me something that I didn't have,

But had no use.

I was too weak to give in,

Too strong to lose.

My heart is under arrest again,

But I'll break loose.

My head is giving me life or death,

But I can't choose.

I swear I'll never give in,

I refuse.

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

It's real, the pain you feel,

You trust, you must confess.

Is someone getting the best

The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?

It's real, the pain you feel.

The life, the love,

You'd die to heal.

The hope that starts,

The broken hearts,

You trust, you must confess.

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

Is someone getting the best,

The best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend,

I'm no fool.

I'm getting tired of starting again,

Somewhere new.

Were you born to resist, or be abused?

I swear I'll never give in, I refuse.

Is someone getting the best

The best, the best, the best of you?

***

You learn so much about yourself when it's reflected in another person's eyes. I never knew how much I've turned into this person. I guess I've changed too. I think I'll take this time to figure out who it is I really am, the person who first got here, or the person who I am now. I guess only time will tell. I only hope I have enough.

Playing God.

A talk with a great friend brought me some new perspective to my situation. The heart wants what it wants. No matter what is said or what is done, the heart will come to its revelations only in its own time. There's no use forcing or fighting because you will never change it. That is why the heart is always stronger than the mind. The people who think with it are the hardest to sway. The heart is hurt easier than the mind, therefore you cannot argue with it. The heart thinks with no logic but with emotion. Speaking to a heart with rationale will never get you anywhere.

There's always factors that change things, but you cannot force them but just let them happen. Being the absolute control freak that I am, this idea scares the hell out of me and because I know I'm holding on by a thread, I pull more violently, even though it seems that I fail to see that a thin thread breaks easier, so I should stop pulling and leave it be.

Maybe I don't always have to do things my way. It's usually when I stop trying to do it my way that reality kicks in, and the things that I wanted to happen.. just happen. I'm just afraid that it will be too late. For someone like me, I know what too late means. This fear is not something that should keep me from living my life. I cannot keep doing this anymore. I need to let go and let whatever will happen.. just happen.

There will be bad days and there will be good days, but if this is a chance to gain back strength and independence, it'll be stupid not to go for it. Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. There will be days where I feel absolutely broken, but I will not let my feelings break me. It's time to rise above again.

Ignorance.

I keep asking myself if given the chance, would I want to do things right? I don't know, I really don't know. I'm happy with the way everything is now, but things will change. Things change tomorrow. After our last night together, everything is going to be different. I don't know if I like the thought of it. No, I don't like the thought of it at all.

There's no way to fight the inevitable. I have to just let this happen.
Maybe things will turn out for the best, even if it hurts just for a little while.

Better Off.

I wish you understood the damage you've done.

I wish you cared.

Satisfaction.

I don't care what happens after these 8 days anymore, because truth and karma will smack you in your unevenly powdered face soon enough. FYI, the skin on your face and neck don't match. Gross.

I will never ever let anyone diminish my importance ever again, and after these 8 days I am utterly and completely free. I honestly don't care that much anymore, but I'm just irritated that I might not get the last say, and that is kind of all that really matters.

After all, no drama queen leaves without a dramatic exit.

Absolutely.

I'm starting to think that maybe time is not enough. While time dulls the pain of most things, it heals nothing. Patience may be a virtue, but resilience is divinity. Resilience is the strength to pick yourself up and go back to living, it is not waiting around for yourself to forget. Resilience is the will to keep on loving when the world crushes your heart into dust and saying, "It's okay, I'll still try put it back together". Resilience is telling yourself it's okay to move on.

A lot of the time we forget that we are meant for more than being just being wanted by someone else. We let ourselves get stepped on and broken, because we forget what we're truly worth. We forget because each time someone changes their mind, we allow their decision to bear weight on our worlds. Since when did we hand over the reigns to our lives? Since when did it be okay to let some other person who doesn't even know you as well as yourself, decide whether or not you deserve to be happy?

In these 9 days, I will hug, kiss and love. I will experience the things that I promised myself to the next time I fell for another guy. I will live and love like life has never hurt me, and it will be the best 9 days I can muster. When she finally comes and it all falls apart, I will not let myself fall apart with it. I will keep myself together because I am more than "better than this", I am fucking awesome, and nobody will ever take that away from me.

"Sometimes life will kick you around, but sooner or later you realise you're not just a survivor. You're a warrior, and you're stronger than anything life throws your way." - OTH

Daydreamer.

The irony of Hallows eve,
The chosen for they to meet,
With cloaks of innocence and chivalry,
They disregard the lies beneath,
As poison finds way through their veins,
To interchange between met lips,
I hope this kiss is one of death,
So fate can soon eclipse,
What masqueraded as love so true,
With long-awaited reality,
That all was mere foolish hope,
Made beautiful with curiosity.


Desperate? I agree.
One can only dream to see the day where people aren't ridiculous anymore.

Starstrukk.

today i drove alone.

at a stop light,

i thought about you.

who you used to be and who you are now,

i thought about who i thought you were,

i thought about who you really are.

i thought about how i'd thought to myself,

"this is a boy i could never fight with"

and,

"this is a boy who won't hurt me for a change".

i thought about how wrong i was.

i thought about me.

who i used to be and who i am now,

i thought about why i never seemed to be good enough,

i thought about how i'm going to start all over again,

i thought about how i told myself,

"this time i'm going to make it work",

and,

"this time i'm not going to run away".

i thought about how i had failed.

in 15 seconds,

i had thought of the most painful 7 months i've ever been through.

7 months of hurt,

7 months of being tossed around,

7 months of breaking myself apart,

7 months of wasted love.

in the next 15 seconds,

i thought of the next 2 weeks,

and how it will finally be the end.

i'd always thought it'd be easier to let go,

of something that's caused me so much grief.

but in 7 months,

this life has become all i know,

and no matter how painful it is,

i've grown used to it,

and even change for the better,

it terrifies me to no end.

losing a routine is terrifying,

no matter how bad that routine was for you.

nobody likes having to figure things out all over again.

30 seconds passed,

and before the lights had even turned green,

i figured out all that i needed to,

and i realised what it was that i really had to do.

my head tells me to soldier up,

but my heart tells me to remain hopeful for the better.

it's impossible to function when seething with so much inner conflict.

after these 2 weeks,

maybe this silence is as good as it gets,

maybe this solitude is all i will have,

maybe i will go back to being alone,

but maybe.. just maybe.

it will all be enough,

and i'll finally find peace.

for now,

i'll just keep driving.

maybe finally, i'll end up somewhere.

just maybe.

***

Just something I put up on my notes on Facebook. Thought I'd post it here as well. My mind is probably going to go into overdrive for the next two weeks. It feels somewhat like there's just not enough time to figure things out, but this is all we have. I promised to live the next two weeks like she doesn't exist, but somehow it's getting a little difficult. I sometimes wish she'd acknowledge herself as a part in this so it gives me all a reason, but then again that's just wishful thinking.

It's all thought.

Everything's always just thought.

I've learned not to find reasons to justify love and hate.

Some feelings are unjustifiable.

Suddenly I See.

I always seem to go for the most difficult guy. The one who causes me the most hurt, the most confusion, the most heartache. In the end, I guess I'm just searching for something that makes it all worth it. Tonight I told you I loved you, and I asked you if you thought it strange. You said no. Truth is, I loved you all along. I fell for you so long ago. Long before she happened. I knew if I said it then, it wouldn't have made any difference, it wouldn't have made any sense. It was too soon. I wondered if things would've been different if I told you, if I stopped you. If I didn't let you go so far. I never did, I never tried. I was never sure.

Love. Love is tossed around so much these days. "I love you" is the new hello. It's always easier to love what you do not know, because when you know, you find the flaws that make it even harder to love. How do you know what is love? How do you know who you love? Finally after all these months, I know I love you. And in the most tumultuous times of this relationship, I've decided to say it. Not because it makes a difference, but because I am sure. I know. I have seen every side of you, every flaw, every hurt you put me through, and still I want to be the one who's right beside you at the end of the day. All I ever wanted, was you.

Lately.

I don't generally relate to mando-pop music, because half the time I don't really understand what they're singing. I heard this song a little while back in Monster's car, and even at that point in time while things were really rocky, it sort of described the thing we had with each other. It's really one particular part of the chorus that particularly strikes me. I'm gonna do my best to type it out, because it's 4.30am and I am bored. So here goes.

你想要的我卻不能够给你我全部，
我能给的卻又不是你想要擁有的，
我们不适合也不想認輸.

Okay, fine. I gave up after the first 5 characters, the rest I just copied and pasted off some random website. ANYWAY, I do kind of think we're both too stubborn to lose out on all of this, even though we know we're just too different. Despite all the differences, I think we're still really happy. That's the only reason why we've fought for this for so long.

Hate Me.

Sometimes all you've got still isn't enough to get you where you want to be. I'm putting everything I can into this, but maybe it's too much for what little I get in return. Love is selfless, but is this enough to keep me from burning out? It's a wrenching sort of heart-torn-out feeling, the ground beneath you collapses and you're falling, anticipating the hit. The impact. The end. You don't know how far the earth beneath you goes, and how hollow it really is until you hit rock bottom. The anxiety eats at you. It kills you. It hurts.

Suck it up, and soldier on. Hope is the only thing keeping me going, but I've learnt not to keep my hopes up. Even the tiniest glimmer of assurance that this isn't all for nothing will be enough. I've never been good at sharing, and I've never been good at putting others before me.

But I've never been good at failing or taking no for an answer. The inner conflict is overwhelming. I don't even know what to do with myself. I know I'm happier with you, but it hurts so fucking much not knowing. I hate not knowing. I hate surprises, and to date.. all the surprises that I've been handed, hurt me more than anything.

You are the darkness, you are the unfamiliar, you are not someone I'd take a chance on, you are not anything like what I'd feel safe with. You are a gamble and it scares the hell out of me taking this risk. The fear of getting myself hurt consumes me, but the part of me that is still so fresh, so curious, that is still wanting to be proven wrong about my views on love and life, defies the parts of me that are jaded and cynical from all my past hurts. All my disappointments. I don't want to feel any of that again.

But It's too soon for me to become so cold.

I still want to believe.

I still want something to hope for.

I really do.

I want to be this happy with someone who actually wants to be happy with me.

I will never accept being second to anything or anyone.

Hush, Hush.

I spent most of my afternoon playing The Sims 3, which was freakin' awesome. Then the rest of the night screaming my lungs out at Karaoke, which was also awesome. I think I've found my new talent. Karaoke! Haha.

Tried new things, did old things, put new twists to old things.

Oh, rambling I am!

All I know is I can't wait for the rest of today!

Breathing.

"A mighty pain to love it is,

And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;

But of all pains, the greatest pain

It is to love, but love in vain."

~ Abraham Crowley.

I tried to be guarded, but I'm an open book. I completely put myself out there, just hoping, praying you don't hurt me anymore. I realised.. it will never stop hurting. I've gotten to the point I don't have the strength to try anymore. I'm so tired that I'm willing to just let this be another one of those things that I just have to get used to. I will not let you be my downfall.

Some days are better than others, and it can only get better than today.

I feel like I haven't left my mind in days and I'm being suffocated by my own thoughts.

Where is the off switch for your heart and you brain?

I'm just so fucking exhausted.

Broken.

I'm hangin' on another day,

Just to see what you will throw my way,

And I'm hanging on to the words you say,

You said that I will be okay.

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone,

I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing,

With a broken heart that's still beating,

In the pain there is healing,

In your name I find meaning,

So I'm holdin' on.

In all this mess, you're the only thing that makes sense anymore.

Save Room.

It's 9.18am and I still can't sleep. I have so much excess energy I need to go work it off later, somehow. I've been watching DVD's and checking on Restaurant City since he went to bed. Even managed to give him a wake up call at 7.30am. Not bad eh?

I fished out old DVD's to watch. The Sweetest Thing as well as Closer. Closer was putting me in such a bad mood, I had to watch something light to cheer me up. The fact that there are people who give the exact same excuses they did in that movie just absolutely pissed me off, like:

Dan: I fell in love with her, Alice.

Alice: Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it", and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one.

There is no such thing as not being able to control yourself. You can't help what or who you're attracted to, but it's your choice what action you take. If you already have someone, wouldn't the best thing to do is, oh. I don't know. Not get yourself deeper into it? Ugh. Excuses are always so pathetic. I honestly think I've heard them all. Nothing really surprises me anymore, I've murphy's law-ed all the possible excuses or situations that could occur. At least when you do that, you don't get disappointed for expecting too much, right? However, is cynicism better than disappointment? Hmmm.

Larry: I know who you are. I love you. I love everything about you that hurts.

Best line out of the whole movie, other than.. "I love you, and I need a piss".

Well, at least The Sweetest Thing cheered me up.

Christina: Don't go looking for Mr. Right. Look for Mr. Right Now and eventually, if he's worthy, that 'now' part will just drop right off, naturally.

Kiss With A Fist.

I must watch The Time Traveler's Wife.
I must find a copy of that book and read it again before I watch it.

The story told is a test of love, and patience. It shows that love knows no boundaries and transcends time and death.

I am such a sucker for pretty words, and this book is full of them. I can't wait for the movie!

I've always fallen for guys who were good with their words. Guys who said the nicest, sweetest things to me that reassured me I was special to them. Kissed me on the hand and forehead, cuddled with me 'til I fell asleep, and still told me what I mean to them.

I'm used to receiving songs that reminded them of me, poetry, long letters and handmade cards. I'm used to being told that I am loved, because words mean so much more to me than action. I'm always more impressed with the things a guy can say than the things they do, because when it comes to doing things, I know they would never go as far as I would, so I leave myself to be impressed with their words.

I loved having guys quote me things that they thought applied to us, I loved having words sung or written to me, I loved having a song, I loved having sweet nicknames. It's really in those little things that I am happiest in a relationship. Knowing that there's something just both of us share.

There are 5 different love languages. Some show love by giving gifts, some by spending time, some by physical touch, some by affirmation and words, some by service, as in doing things for the other person. I believe that a relationship needs a balance of all 5 of these, but people generally tend to lean towards one or two more than the other. Out of all those, I think speak the language of gifts and service, but I listen to the language of affirmation and physical touch.

What's your love language?

Game Of Love.

"Love is whatever you make it to be,

Sunshine instead of this cold, lonely sea,

So please baby, try."

Are you trying?

Because I'm counting on you to.

Flicks.

Sometimes I wish we could just stay like this.

In The Waiting Line.

Very rarely do I find the need to attack another person, lest they step into what I think is my territory or if they mess with something that is mine. It just angers me how people just don't know their limits. Is it complete bitchiness or pure stupid optimism that they think they can get away with it? I have no idea. I am territorial and extremely protective. You, my dear, are a pariah housecat to my lionness. While it's adorable how you try, your attempts at being classy fall a little short of even Hannah Montana chic. Your fashion sense is so 2001 it's not even funny. Honestly, has anyone even worn what you've been wearing since I was 12? It's not cool to look like a pre-teen when you're in your early 20's.

Tsk.

Seriously. Back the fuck up to wherever you came from. If you attempt to cross me again, I will seriously not hesitate to beat the fucking shit out of you, do not even try me. You do not know me or what I am capable of.

That's all.

These Walls.

When I was younger, I'd always ask for things. Sometimes I get them, sometimes I don't and sometimes I'm told that it's not the right time- and that I needed to wait. So of course, at that moment I wouldn't understand and I'd throw the greatest of tantrums my little elementary-schooled self could muster.

As I grew older, I learnt the lesson of timing. Sometimes you want something, and you get it. But it's just not the right time. In the end, things turn out worse and more heartbreaking than to have not gotten it in the first place. Sometimes you're not ready for it, and sometimes it's just not ready for you.

I thought of a guy I used to be seeing who told me things tonight that I had never expected to hear from him and had these things been said a couple of months ago, it would have changed everything. We would have still been together.

I realised, It's the same with people, the same with relationships. It's about timing and circumstance. Everything in the world may feel right, but the timing and circumstance is just all wrong. As much as you'd like to make it all work, It just doesn't because you're not ready for each other. You force it and you break it, leaving bridges burnt.

The best thing you can do is leave them in the hands of someone who can care for them and love them, and hope that time heals everything and that love is on your side. We were broken but I know time can heal this. I hope like hell she takes care of you how I would, and when it's time for us, she will know. I loved you before and I can love you again, if it's meant for us.. our paths will cross again. If it's not and our moment has passed, then this is goodbye and I wish you all the love and happiness in the world. There's always the memories, and we have lost absolutely nothing.

For now, I'm happy with who I'm with and who I love. I wish only the same for you. Smile knowing that we were special, we were something, in one moment in time.

Untouched.

While going through my little Mac-cleaning frenzy, I accidentally deleted the folder with all my desktop backgrounds. GAH! Now I have to re-do all my backgrounds, so I shall settle for a simple one for now that took.. like 3 minutes to make. Ngeh.

take this sinking boat and point it home, we've still got time. <3

*kicks self*

It's 8am and I have not gone to sleep yet. My brain is refusing to shut down even though I'm so tired I can't move. Ugh. This cannot be good for me. It's making me feel so incredibly angsty. It does not help that listening to The Veronicas' Untouched makes me want to go outside and run around.

It's unbelievably sunny here though.

Finally a good day to go tanning!

Okay. Must sleep.

Guh.

Strangers.

I don't particularly like Grey's Anatomy, only the Izzy/Karev subplot, but a friend of mine who's crazy Grey's just sent me a quote from the show. I was speaking to her about a particular situation I'm in right now, and I felt somehow that I was wearing myself thin, ramming into walls, asking questions that don't need to be answered, at least not now.

The biggest question of all, however, was:

Why am I still here? Why are we still trying?

and POOF.

A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

I'm glad we're going to work things through, because crazy as this situation drives me, I'd rather be with you than without you. We can't possibly throw away now all the things we've worked so hard for. If this doesn't work, then I'd be wrong about you and we all know how much I hate being wrong.

Everything I Can't Have.

It's not a silly little moment,
It's not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on.

Can't seem to hold you like I want to,
So I can feel you in my arms.
Nobody's gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

I was the one you always dreamed of,
You were the one I tried to draw.
How dare you say it's nothing to me?
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw.

I'll make the most of all the sadness,
You'll be a bitch because you can.
You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand.

Go cry about it - why don't you?

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room.

Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?

***

Please tell me that all this wasn't for nothing. Please tell me we didn't work through so much for nothing. Please tell me the tears weren't for nothing. Please tell me the heartaches weren't for nothing. Please tell me we didn't fight so hard for nothing.

Please tell me this is something.

For once in your life, speak up and tell me.

Better In Time.

Some things will never heal in time and I think it's time I understand.

Four Seasons.

"Why is it snowing in August?", the Earth asked the Sky. "What's happened with the Seasons to bring upon such unprediction?". The sky smiled and glimmered at the Earth. "My daughter, let me tell you of a tale, how do they say? Once upon a time.."

Neiva.

Neiva was the name of winter. Pecking the lips and noses of all that passed her, whispering her love for them. Though many frolicked in the white of her satin, none found comfort in her cold. Lonely was the cry of Neiva, her tears staining sidewalks, pooling into lakes of ice. For a moment few would glide on her sadness, and snowflakes fell from her laughter, she watched as they caught her joy in their mittens and tasted them on their tongues. Happiness was fleeting for Neiva, for when the night came, soon she was alone again. Never did anyone stay, though many liked the cold, no one ever loved it. Neiva was all that they knew in some parts of the world, but miserable was their existences being trapped living in such conditions.

Neiva was the name of winter, but all winter was, was a girl.

Ciro.

Ciro was the heat of summer. Bright and valiant, and loved. Adored was his arrival for what followed him meant the end of the days of ice. The cold melted in his fingertips and the ocean no longer crashed icy into the shore. In some parts of the world, the only season people knew was Ciro. Everyone welcomed him and danced in the rays of his smile. Pale bodies laid out on the earth and sand, waiting for Ciro to make them beautiful and bronzen. No one could ever get too close, no matter how much they loved the summer. For Ciro was also the Sun, and everyone knows what happens if you get too close.

Ciro was the name of summer, but all summer was, was a boy.

"Little did anyone know of the story of Neiva and Ciro. For one was the heat, and the other the cold. Opposites were they in every way, but somehow had they found each other. They met in the heavens in celebration of Luna's birthday, to which you, my dear Earth, know as the Lunar New Year." explained the Sky.

The Seasons Meet.

Neiva sat alone, most shying away from her cold. Some smiled and greeted her but would quickly walk by. She sighed and toyed with the icicles she made with her fingers, crushing them into fine shards and sprinkling them before her, watching it all disappear. Bored. Neiva was always bored.

She felt a tingle as a strong hand rested on her shoulder. She looked up and saw the adonis that was Ciro. "May I have this dance?", he said. His touch had melted away her sleeve, and water ran down her arm, but she did not care for this was the closest anyone had ever been. A concerto soon begun and they fell into a delicate minuet. His fire faltered from her touch and water trickled into his hands, but he did not care. For right now, she was the closest to him in the universe. Among the stars they danced and laughed, each making the other fade slowly away. Despite their differences, they knew they were the same. They were seasons.

"But they would have killed each other!" exclaimed the frightened Earth,

"Precisely." nodded the knowing Sky.

The Gods had sent Aspen and Anthea, the seasons of Autumn and Spring to pull them apart. Both were moderate Seasons that did not share the extremes of the other two. Angered by the interruption, Neiva had clawed Anthea across her chest, leaving traces of the cold in her flowers and Aspen, was struck across the head by Ciro, causing his head of leaves to fall burnt to the ground. It was the battle of the seasons.

"So this is why Spring is chilly, and Autumn leaves are the colour of the sun!" cried the Earth,

The Sky just smiled once again.

Neiva and Ciro ran for they had angered the Gods. Happy as they were, they were never meant to be. They ran across the days of time, hand in hand, taking each step as they came until finally, time had run out of days for them and the Gods caught up. They were banished forever to guard opposite chambers of the daughter of the Sky, never to meet, separated by Aspen and Anthea who would make sure their paths never crossed again. They would always be able to see each other, but could never touch. Centuries later, Ciro fell in love with Anthea and Neiva found her comfort in Aspen. Never though would the two seasons forget, their encounter in the heavens.

"That is why, my darling Earth, Winter is always friendlier when she sees the sunshine, and once in awhile, it snows in the Summer."

The snow in the Summer, is Neiva's message to Ciro, to tell him that she will never forget his touch, his face and his smile. And she knows, that wherever he is, he is happy, because once in awhile, she catches a glimpse of the sunshine.

***

No matter what happens to us, you're always going to be special to me.

:)

All Again For You.

"You'll never sing to me again",

Said the girl to the wind,

"Ever-changing, ever-passing,

You swept by soon as you'd begin,

You left a trail of leaves for me,

But withered all were they,

Soon as you left your mess to clean,

Was soon as you'd blow away."

The wind blew back a breeze,

To waltz with her dress's lace,

Soon as the dance was over,

A tear rolled down her face.

"You'll never dance with me again",

Said the girl to the wind,

"Ever-winding, Ever-raging,

You rushed by across the bend,

Swept away before the curtsy,

To tango with another skirt,

Who couldn't even love you as I did,

But you didn't care how much it hurt."

Now all she hears are echoes,

Of how the wind used to love,

Of the things it used to whisper,

Of the things it told her of.

"You'll never hurt me again",

Said the girl to the wind,

"Ever-cheating, ever-lying,

Deceiting harlequin,

Your columbine's a fraud,

And your actions are weak,

It was your words that loved me,

It was the things you'd speak."

In a flurry of anger she burst into flames, violent, thrashing and hungry. Stretching beyond the borders of nations in search of the wind's new columbine, never resting until every last bit of her was devoured and spit out, charred and ugly to the ground. Unknowingly the wind blew her away, and no longer did she exist. The fire simmered into ashes and from it, rose the phoenix, coloured crimson by its love, streaked gold for its loyalty and eyes black from its vengeance. Lightly it frolicked in the wind, letting its colours dance and trickle along the breeze and a new song did the wind sing, for now he will never be alone.

***

You changed your song to me because you could sing it sweeter to someone else. I wonder what you'll realise once I say to you what I'm going to.

In This Diary.

It's time you get to know your place,

You vapid, insignificant, waste of space,

Your innocence is your veneer,

But heed the words you're about to hear,

I see through the pastels and floral prints,

I saw right through your "subtle" hints,

The coy play of words and shameless flirts,

Aces hidden in your skirts,

You played your hand and reeled him in,

Gleeful of the prize you'd win,

But this is far from being over,

You've underestimated the other player.

Care to call my bluff?

Somebody Told Me.

A girl I went to high school with for a few years made a statement that if you have not gone to a private high school overseas, you are poor.

I say there's something in the water in Australia that's making people insane.

Comfortable.

I'm trying to type this with you snoring and drooling on my shoulder.

Please note:

I do not like you burping at me,

Neither do I like you farting in my bed.

And no, I will not smell your armpit.

Ew.

But you know what?

I've never been this comfortable with anyone's grossness before.

:)

Go on, feel special.

The Bitch Of Living.

Safari4 has got to be the sexiest browser I've ever used. It is sleek, and has pretty shiny things that keep me super distracted. You can browse through your history in a coverflow manner, and your top visited sites are laid out for you every time you open up a new tab. Awesome.

I'd post pictures, but I'm tired and lazy.

:)

So just go check it out at Apple!

I'm going to go into a vegetative state now and watch 90210. I refused to watch it before solely because Annalynne McCord looked seriously BLAH, but after being stuck home with nothing to do, I've been on a 90210 rampage. Whoever else watches it, I think Annie is a ho-bag. There are certain girls I know of who are just like her, pretending to be sugar-sweet and feigning innocence but would pretty much sink bend over backwards, legs-wide-open for any guy who gives them a second thought, and I think they are deserving of barb-wired poon slaps. Seriously. Ew.

***

My friends got kicked out of the club they were in because they boo-ed the DJ. Man, I wish I was there to see all that happen. Funny people, they are. Cranky person, I was.

90210, I watch.

Hell yeah.

BYE!

I'll Follow You Into The Dark.

Crashed and crushed along the road,

A sinister feeling was not forebode,

No one saw the wicked bend,

That sent us reeling to our end,

Tarmac heat and gnashing teeth,

My love to you do I bequeath, 

Before this takes its dying breath,

How did we come to sudden death?

You were always my car-crash romance.

Scarred and broken, you left me. 

But you're so God damned beautiful that I wish you well.

***

Did that hurt? 

No? 

It will soon.

I'll make sure it does, and when you least expect it.

Heal The World.

R.I.P Michael Jackson,

You were legendary.

***

I remember it was just a week or so ago Jon and I were talking about who we'd have wanted to see live in concert in this lifetime. Michael Jackson was definitely my top one. I shall never have this dream come true. 

:(

Like a Star.

You're bent on making things better, but I don't see the point. I tried again to walk away but you didn't want to let me go.  You promised you'd start to treat me better, do you even know how? Why make me stay if in the end, you're going to fail me? Things were getting better, but that little crack in the trust can bring everything crumbling down again. 

I guess we'll take this a day at a time.

I'll keep trying if you do.

P.S: And to you? I knew you're the kind who doesn't know how to do your own dirty work. Why not you realise you're not as important as you or your friends think? Hmm. I bet the thought has never occurred, especially to your bullheaded counterpart. Tsk.

***

This is fair game and if you have a problem, take it up with him because I didn't force him to stay. 

Best Of You.

"Is someone getting the best of you?"

When two people have been through as much as we have, the rules change. You unlearn everything you thought you knew and you sit dumbfounded at the revelation of having any train of thought other than the one you knew. The tables turn, the roles change, the perspectives warp. You're left sitting there thinking, "Okay. Now what?"

And, I don't know really, because we live our lives like everything's okay, but in truth, it's all broken. Every single bit of it but one aspect. Like you said, what irony right? It really is the only thing that's keeping me from walking away for good. It's the only part of you I truly like anymore.

I don't know if that's really as sad as I think it is, because on the surface, everything seems fine. 

Maybe I shouldn't be asking for more.

Fair Game.

As colours fill the morning sky,

On card and chalk my feelings lie,

To see your face in awed surprise,

To see the smile in your eyes.

You were worth it all,

and I forgive you.

***

Strangely enough, that was all the reassurance I needed and everything feels better now. I asked myself when I could start forgiving you and trusting you again, and that time came sooner than I expected. 

:)

Follow Me.

Like dreams and hearts are easily broken,

Like words of love that remain unspoken,

Watch myself reflected in your eyes,

There could be no feeling more that I despise,

I walked the universe for your heart,

To find shooting stars had torn us apart,

As glimpses of light pulled you from land,

My despaired attempt to hold on to your hand,

I lost myself in trying to be,

The weight of your world, your gravity,

You were a song I tried to play,

But my melody was powerless to make you stay,

I'll forget who we once were but now what we are,

Hope still lives inside to dance with a star,

And none of them shine brighter than you do.

- N.

***

You told me one day that I'll find better, but sometimes better is not what your heart wants. The worst feeling on earth is not the heartbreak, because heartbreaks heal. It is the feeling of fighting for something so hard, challenging yourself and realizing that all that was for nothing. It is the disappointment that you wasted your time, and how stupid you feel for fighting so hard. 

On another note, this is something I found online written by someone who calls himself.. Evil Catullus. Hmm. It's quite beautiful, really.

Shall I tell you stories of other stars: stars that you love, that deserve your love. Stars that do not disappoint, and disgust, and disgrace your love. Oh, I have hope they exist for your sake!

She was barefoot in the garden as the moonlight caught the hem of her dress. Her hair, almost silver, was pulled up into a knot high on her head leaving a neck as graceful as a swan's vulnerable to the night air and the west wind. She was barefoot, but wore a gown that shimmered as silver-white as her hair. He approached her from the west with the wind and his scent was carried with the autumn leaves. He moved soundlessly except for the faint jingle of silver-white necklaces, tokens from old lovers. She did not acknowledge his approach with anything other than a sigh. Her back was turned to him and the west wind.
His cloak was yellow and tattered and patched many times over. His hands were brown and smooth and his teeth were very white. He smiled widely in the moonlight and black tendrils of his hair blew out towards her, as if in greeting. Had her back not been turned to him, she would have gazed upon his smile and once more been dazzled and heart-broken. She was prepared and did not turn to look, she only said, "you are leaving," it was not an accusation.

His smile faltered, but only for a moment. They always knew the Traveler left them alone; but there always had been much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Never before had there been one who did not beg, who did not ask in vain for him to stay. Smiling wider, he stared down at his brown, smooth hands and said, "I am leaving."

At this, she nodded, and silver-white hair and silver-white gown shimmered faintly in the moonlight. She closed her eyes and bowed her head, as if in benediction. There was silence except for the faint jingle of necklaces and the sound of the west wind entangling black hair with silver-white.

At last the Traveler broke the silence, awkwardly, as if he were unaccustomed to speaking, "Since you have not begged me to stay or wept, I shall grant you a boon". He was surprised at how tender his voice became. Then, quickly, "but do not ask me to stay. I may return some day, but I will not stay."

She smiled a strange, secretive smile but did not turn to look at him. Her voice sounded as if it came from very far and she spoke slowly, "I ask that you never again return this place, never again seek me out."

His smile fell, and he wrinkled his smooth, brown brow. He stared for a moment at the implacable back of the one who would not beg and felt a sudden loss. He turned on his heel and walked away, thinking of moonlight and her stories, knowing that he would be, at last, forgotten.

***

It's time I stopped wondering, It's time I stopped questioning. It's time to just live and see where life brings me, and one day I'll stop hoping that it would bring me back to you.

Now That The Love Is Gone.

I just bought Neil Gaiman's Fragile Things. He is an amazing writer and this is the first copy I'm actually going to get to own, the last few ones I found at the library on someone else's bookshelf and of course, practically no bookstore here sells his books.

I'm going to go feed my brain now, and cook dinner. Beef Burritos and salsa chicken salad! Mmm. A nice six pack of beer is chilling in the fridge and I just came home from buying a few nice things from La Senza. 

I'm having an awesome day. 

:)

The Middle.

It's a sudden and random realization, but the middle is a shitty place to be.

If you think about it, the middle class, the middle child, the almost lover, are all trapped in the middle. It seems like the middle person always has more to prove. They don't have the means to live up to their better counterparts, and are too arrogant to settle for the simplicity in life. The rich have nothing to prove, and the poor are blissfully oblivious. The eldest child is always perceived as the favourite and the youngest will always be their baby. The almost lover fights harder to justify that they meant something, while the significant other needs to do nothing, because they are already assured.

Where does this leave the people in the middle? It's a sad place to be, not letting yourself be happy because you want more than you can get but will not settle for less.

When did we become such thankless people?

I think it's high time we all understood the meaning of contentment, and loving life for and with all we have. That the things not within our reach are not meant for us at the moment, and that it's okay to have less and for the things we already have, we remember we are blessed.

A Lack Of Colour.

Do you believe that our imaginations dictate a bigger majority of our actions and emotions than reality does? After recent events, it's beginning to seem that a lot of us.. don't really seem to live on this planet, and often we choose to stick our head in the clouds. I guess it's understandable, considering the norms can be boring, and we are all always looking or dreaming up something better for ourselves. 

But what happens when we live our lives according to these dreams, and reality is not exactly keeping up? We fall down disappointed because, it was never that way in the first place. We never read things as just simple anymore, we want it to mean something more, so we take out our magic markers and draw our own conclusions from our own minds. We are a generation of dreamers. Maybe it's because our reality is so sad.

Why should we not be able to create our own beauty, not just dream it, but live it?

We always have the tendency to throw off our own contentment and hope for something more, because we always believe our dreams are better. We don't know if they are, but we hope for them anyway and we fixate ourselves on attaining these dreams. We are capable of putting all the things in front of us on hold, just to see whether these dreams can be real or not. We convince ourselves that they are worth it, and work extra hard to prove ourselves wrong when we find that they aren't. Tragic human behaviour.

I wish you'd pay more attention to your reality, but you're already in love with your dreams. Your blind optimism scares me, that even though all the odds are against you, you're still going to choose to try. I'm afraid that you will realise one day, that this dream was always a dream and I do not want you to waste your potential chasing a dream, that although made you happy, caused you to put off all the things you could have done for your reality, which would have made you even happier. 

I am angry that this dream will never be able to give you a safety net because it just simply can't, and when you fall, it will hurt you. I am angry that dreams beckon anyway, with the equal amount of optimism, screaming for you to chase them, when they cannot promise you anything. I am angry that you are throwing away something that is for sure, for something that you don't know.

I am sad that you jump to conclusions so fast and stick to them, that you don't allow yourself to realise anything until it's too late. You flit from one thing to another so quick, that you don't even give yourself time to catch yourself. I am sad that you don't see I've been the one who's been there waiting to catch you, and once you're back on your own feet, you don't come back to me, you run even further towards the dreams that caused you to fall in the first place. It's heartbreaking. 

If you are going to chase your dreams, I am always going to be reality.

I will always be here to pick you up when you fall,

And I hope one day your dreams become real,

Even if that means you will no longer need me anymore.

You're too blinded to see what's right in front of you, and you're convinced you wouldn't have it any other way. I'm tired of fighting to make you see. I don't know what to do so I will just wait to fade away.

We Are All Made Of Stars.

Perhaps it is a little silly, but I tend to judge a person's character based on their star signs. I find most personality readings online are scarily accurate, or.. I am really a Virgo to the 'T'. I used to be told that Astrology is nonsense, but lately I've been finding it to be very true.

I read recently on another person's blog, the profile of a Virgo in love, and I swear it was written with me in mind. It takes me a long time to shake off my distrust when I am lied to, and deceit causes me to turn into a vicious, vicious creature. I need to be a part of a person's life completely if I'm at that level of closeness. I will pretty much let my partner do whatever the hell he pleases if I trust him. Also, I need to feel needed in order to function as someone in another person's life. That I choose very few to love, and those select few get my all as long as I know they need me. Intense, I know. But most Virgos I know are very intense people anyway. 

This is perhaps the most boring post I've written in a while.

Hurrah.

Read My Mind.

I was reading some sites this morning, doing some brief scans on the next chapters of my social psychology syllabus, when I came across an article on the power of suggestion. Saying something that gets someone to do something you want, by merely pointing out the possible consequence of if they don't. 

It's the classic case of  

"I'm not saying that it will happen, but like.. what if, you know? Just saying."

It speaks of the power of the mind and how everything you do is powered by your belief and that things happen for you because you have the tendency to do what your mind believes in. The psychology behind optimism is that you view a situation no matter how bad it is, and pick out the good from it and work from there. Perhaps I am too realistic and need to adopt a little smidgen of optimism. I need to start telling myself that everything will turn out great, and things will follow suit.

"Remember belief is only a thought in your mind. You have the power to choose your own thoughts and therefore decide what you believe."

I particularly liked the phrase above because it shows, we are not enslaved to our emotions and actions, because thoughts always come before actions and emotions and we hold in ourselves the power to determine what we believe is our fate and what we believe we are meant for. 

Come to think about it, I have managed to get everything I want by convincing myself that I will get them. Even when it's extremely far fetched and out of reach. Perhaps I should stop underestimating the power of my own mind, and start making things happen for myself.

Just keep believing.

Go On Girl.

Sometimes, it's not you or the other person who can mess something up this bad.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

But this is beyond my capabilities.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

Just be happy that it was as great as it was.

Chasing Pavements.

Taken from my notes on facebook.

It's been awhile since I've posted there,

But I guess my blog needs an update too.

Here goes:

We often fall in love with our own online personas. It is the person we wish we were all the time, and the person we want people to believe we are. Why else would we put up only the best pictures of ourselves, why else would we tire endlessly on writing an "about me" that we put more thought into, than any other thing we write?  

We make ourselves believe that as real our lives online appear to be, it is not the complete us. A bad hair day lasts only for a day, and we laugh about it for a day. A bad picture lasts as long as you don't delete it, and we can laugh about it for months.  

So what happens when the best of two online personas fall in love? They fall in love with the best parts of each other. But what about the worst? You can tell a person of all your mistakes, you can tell a person of all your flaws, you can tell a person of all your weaknesses, but they will never be real to them until they experience them for themselves. Because, if you only hear of these mistakes, flaws and weaknesses, you tell yourself that they're okay, that everyone has them. and you justify yourself being a good and understanding person. But if that is so, why do we hate others we know in real life for their mistakes, flaws and weaknesses? why do we not overlook these as just human?  

Because we have to live with them. because they are the mistakes, flaws and weaknesses that rub us in the face. They are the factors of humanity that we have to deal with without choice and in reality, we are not as good people as we want others to believe. 

That's when things begin to fall apart. we read about the bad, but what do we really know about it until we truly experience it?  

You are my hurt reality, and I live with this pain everyday, still choosing to be here for you despite it all but even this makes no difference, because even though you liked the best of me, you chose not to love the rest of me.  

I pray that one day I will understand what this is you're doing.

Unbreakable.

I read somewhere that people find the need to shout when they argue, because when people argue, their hearts distance from each other and they shout to make up for that distance, even when the other person's nearby. 

But beyond the anger, when love comes in, hearts draw closer. So the more you love, the closer your hearts get. It gets to a point where you need nothing but a simple touch to say what you need to say. 

My heart is tired of trying to speak to yours. They don't even speak in the same language anymore.

I really wish I knew what to do.

But I'm tired of always trying to find the answer.

Heartbeats.

I've been thinking back on a time, where I wanted so much to be yours. Now you're back knocking on my door, but I just cannot bring myself to let you in. I think about how happy I was with you, I think about how great we were together and how far we could be by now.

But I just can't do it.

It feels like such a waste, but why did it take you so long to come around? Why now when I have already shut you out completely? We could have been happy together. You knew it in the back of your mind, that I was all that you needed to be happy, yet you were never content. You were always looking for, not necessarily better things, but just.. more things. 

Is it the curse of Gemini men to never be happy with what they live with, and always want the things that are out of reach? Is it because I am out of reach now that you have come back?

This is not a game, I am not a pawn.

Now please, just give up.

I cannot endure another heartbreak from you.

Spazz.

I loved you deeply,

And I guess in a way,

I always will.

Thinking about you today just saddened me.

Because we could've been great together.

If only you did just that bit of growing up,

We could be happy by now.

I miss you,

But it's too late for these feelings now.

I'm never going back.

Bandages.

For people who think so highly of themselves, this sure is extremely high school behaviour. Banding together against one person, just because one of your friends doesn't like them. When did this have anything to do with you in the first place?

Very mature, indeed. 

Why are you and your friends so affected by my opinion anyway? What you said was listed in a public domain, and regardless of who I am, my opinion is still just an opinion on the web. Do you take it to heart because you know there is truth in what I've said? If none of what I said was true, wouldn't the mature thing to do be just to turn the cheek and disregard it?

For people who emphasize so much on age and maturity, you're definitely not very far ahead of me in terms of either. 

If you want to win so badly, go ahead.   

I'm picking my battles, and frankly,

This one isn't worth it.

Virtual Insanity.

If you know what's good for you,

You'll back the fuck off.

Maturity is not about whether or not you vent your emotions, it's how you handle the repercussions. And.. hmm. I hope you're mature enough to accept, that I don't give a fuck what you think, because you have no clue. 

Heartless.

I sat and stared at this for the longest time.

Would I ever be ready to delete you?

No.

Is it necessary?

Unfortunately, yes.

I took my deep breaths, because one simply would not do. I clenched your bracelet in my hand and watched your name disappear from my list. How convenient technology's made it to erase someone from your life. In a matter of seconds, poof. You're gone.

I wonder how long it will be before I stop searching for your name whenever I log on. I still scroll to 'J' whenever I open up my contact list, because you're the first person I want to tell all my thoughts to. 

But right now I don't trust you.

So you don't deserve to be the first anymore.

I can't keep fighting with you.

I don't want to end up hating you.

29 days and counting.

All I hope for is not to have went through this all for nothing.

I will never understand how we let everything get this way when there was never anything wrong with us before. We used to never fight, and that's all we seem to do these days and I know I always start it because I can't let myself trust you. 

Will we ever be the same again?

Is it too late to fix us?

I always think of you when I listen to this song.

Take this sinking boat and point it home,

We've still got time.

Raise your hopeful voice, You have a choice,

You've made it known.

Falling slowly, sing your melody,

I'll sing along.

All we have is time,

And only time will tell.